In Honor of Michelle

2003

“It’s Definitely Something”

This year was full of many doctor appointments full of anticipation and celebration of life. This contrast was made possible through an amazing miracle called a second chance. This year was spent on mourning the loss of my right breast and celebrating the creation of life. Instead of dealing with minimizing the reality of losing my breast, I was faced with maximizing the anticipation of a birth announcement. The “nothing” in my life last year truly gave me “something” to live for this year.

Journal Entry, January 1, 2003

My New Year’s wish is to have a healthy baby. I am so scared and worried that the baby may have Down’s syndrome or some other birth defect, but my mantras with Mom tell me to have more faith. I am looking forward to the same DCIS benchmarks from last year to be replaced by the similarly dated baby check-ups.

Stress Dream #1: I am at a convention center and it looks a lot like Lodi High School. Every session I am supposed to attend I am late for or no one is there. I am very frustrated in the dream.

Stress Dream #2: Mike and I are walking on a beach and I want to read. He wants to fish. We are distracted by some surfer guys and, somehow, fall into the ocean. Our wallets, my book, my purse and his fishing pole all get lost in the water. The depth of the ocean is vast and we cannot find our drifting items. A major tidal wave comes before us and we are caught in the tunnel of this huge wave. I am no longer worried about my items and more concerned about my ability to survive.

Stress Dream #3: Mike and I are on a very crowded beach. We are trying very hard to leave because the crowd is stressing us out. There were many overweight people on this beach that would not allow us to pass by. At one point we literally found ourselves “stuck in the sand.” Then someone asked if I would be willing to wait in line for her and buy her a sprite! The line for refreshments was very long, but I was willing to wait. I asked her to give me the money for the drink and she was expecting me to pay for it. Despite this girl’s reaction, I still waited in line. When I finally approached the service counter, more people had added drink requests to me. I ramble off a series of drink orders, the bartender takes my money, but does not give me any of the drinks. As I look around the beach, I no longer see all these people who requested these sodas! I tell the bartender to forget about the drinks as I just stew about the time I have wasted waiting in line for nothing.

Stress Dream #4: Jonathan, Mike and I were camping in the valley of the Grand Canyon. We found amazing caves to sleep in and pools of warm hot springs to relax in. We were very industrious and returned several times to the same place as if it were “our spot.” We even contemplated living there! One day Mike Taylor showed up and had dinner with us. At one point I saw one of my second cousins who looked like she needed to go to the bathroom. I took her hand and brought her to a portable potty and it was overflowing with waste. I thought to myself, “If she only has to urinate then she would not have to worry too much about the toilet.” Before I had a change to tell her this she is urinating on me. I took it in stride knowing that soon we would all be swimming in the hot springs.

Journal Entry, January 10, 2003

My week was pretty smooth, I just find myself getting tired a lot and I am trying to walk every day and eat well. I am doing a little bit of reading and trying not to worry about finances and being able to change some decisions. I think we are going to wait on buying a condo and do some more research about places we’d like to live. I think we will be able to make this work even if I come back part time. I am going to start a baby fund with my next paycheck and Mike and I are working on paying off the credit card debt. I need to have faith that everything will work out. We still have not heard from our landlord, so I guess we should plan on moving. It would be great to save some more money and feel better about our finances. I release all doubts and fears.

Journal Entry, January 19, 2003: Mama Coleman’s Birthday

This weekend we surprised Mama Coleman by showing up in New York for her 70^th birthday! She could not believe we were here! It was so nice to see the Coleman Clan and catch up with everyone. We took a family photo and had a wonderful dinner at The Veranda Restaurant. We had a wonderful time!

1/22/03: To Our Baby-A Message from Month Three:

Dear Baby,

This month has been quite an experience. The highlight was the ultrasound.. We had the NT screening and were amazed of how well developed you were at such an early age! We are grateful that Mom has not experienced too much nausea or morning sickness. Dad has noticed Mom’s generous appetite and cravings for hot chocolate and lots of ice cream.

January 30, 2003: Week 13: Nuchal Translucency Screening:

I am now 158 pounds. Dr. Callen checked the baby’s heartbeat and answered a few medical questions. She gave us a referral for AFP testing. She sent us on our way. All is well with no worries! The Nuchal Translucency was to determine the percentage of having a child with Down’s syndrome and some other kinds of birth defects. The odds measured up to approximately 1/500. We were happy with those odds and decided not to have the Amniocentesis.

Journal Entry, January 30, 2003

It has been a little over a year since my needle biopsy and I am seeing a doctor to determine the health of our baby. This was such a cool experience! Mike and I saw this amazing miracle in my belly! I think this baby had the hick-ups because it was moving a lot! Even though our odds our pretty good, I am aware that there still may be some kind of complications, so I am trying to just know that whatever happens, happens and we will be able to handle it. I just need to have faith and trust the higher power.

Journal Entry, February 10, 2003

Lately, I have been having these really weird dreams. One dream was about Kory O’Rourke finding a 1940’s house in Berkeley. She was happy and content and feeling good about staying in this area. The next evening I had a dream about her taking a summer job as someone who works in a local produce market. She looked happy and was wearing a pinstriped shirt. The other dream was about Barbara Olds dancing and losing all this weight for a performance. Could I be living through some of these anxieties as someone who is changing physically? The other dream was about Rebecca Ahlfeldt and how we were at a banquet together. She was talking about how much she loved her job.

Journal Entry, February 10, 2003

I heard a word today that compelled me to think of it differently- Flexibility- being flexible and needing to be flexible. Even though I have come pretty far at being flexible, I can still work on this in every aspect of my life. I want so much for people to be happy in this world and to have peace.

Journal Entry, February 14, 2003

I love my valentine because he always takes such good care of me. He says I look beautiful without makeup and always comments on how good I smell. He looks out for me and likes seeing me pregnant. He says I am a good person. He blesses our baby every day and he married me- someone who wants to grow old with me! We ate filet mignon, salad, baked potatoes, and sautéed mushrooms.

Journal Entry, February 16, 2003

The dream I had last night was very disturbing. Several people were being killed and I was staying with a Pakistani family. In order to avoid being shot, I had to drive through a series of railroad tracks in the dark. This journey was in a poor part of town. Once I made it home, I had to be quick in getting the proper paperwork. As I was gathering everything I needed, I heard someone upstairs moving around. I collected the necessary papers, quickly fetched a car and drove away to meet my sister. I felt as if I was being hunted and that no one was safe. I had this high intense feeling that no one was safe. I had to drive through these railroad tracks again on a bike and I was terrified.

2/21/03: To Our Baby-A Message From Month Four:

Dear Baby,

I’ve been having the most peculiar dreams. This was the strangest one. What do you think it means? Generally speaking, I have had many dreams about big waves, cruise ships and turning over a car and totally recovering without a scratch! In each dream, Dad is with Mom and maintaining the calmest, assuring attitude. Dad has consistently maintained his composure and has never lost control in these chaotic dreams. Mom tends to look to Dad for assurance and security. This month Mom ate too much at Chevy’s and threw up all of her food. That was the only time that Mom has gotten real sick. Dad called Mom’s reaction, “volcanic.”

Journal Entry, February 22, 2003

Today was Didem and Stefano’s baby shower and it was so nice to see our pregnant friends and friends who have had babies! Everyone looks so beautiful and healthy! We are all so fortunate!

February 27, 2003: Week 18: Dr. Callen

I am now 159 pounds and Dr. Callen says, “Your belly looks normal, everything looks great and just enjoy this time of your life!” In two months I will need to get an Rh-negative shot. “Rhesus incompatibility occurs when a woman who has Rh negative blood (B-) is pregnant with an Rh positive baby.” (p.203, Stoppard) This condition usually does not affect the first baby, but if we decide to have a second child, there are certain precautions that need to be done so that my antibodies do not attack the fetus’s red blood cells.

March 1, 2003: Tunya Carissimo born!

Journal Entry, March 3, 2003

Many exciting things are happening in regards to my book project! I have complied some kind of memoir up to 1990! Now I need to get 1991 composed and I have already completed 1992! I hope that I may be able to get somewhat caught up before the baby is due. What a great project to develop. Kory is helping me with “It’s Probably Nothing” foreward so that the reader has a sense of what to expect as they follow the DCIS journey. I think I am going to dedicate this story to Mike.

Journal Entry, March 13, 2003

This week has been extremely emotional for me. I have been dealing with many issues around trust and trusting certain people around me. I am such a pushover sometimes and I feel that tends to get in the way of being professional and strong. Adele told me that I am doing a good job and that she has seen me grow so much since last year. She says that I am very professional which I guess is truly a good thing. I need all the support I can get as I endure this very difficult department chair job. I need to toughen up! It is so nice to have Sharon and Jenna back. I missed them so much!

Journal Entry, March 17, 2003

Mike and I went over to the Carrellas and had a traditional Irish meal. We ate corned beef cabbage, potatoes, and soda bread! We had a lovely time hanging out with Beverly, Vinny, Zoe and Lily. The two girls were hanging and jumping all over me! It was so nice to just be around all of this young love and energy.

March 19, 2003: Week 20: The Ultrasound

Exactly one year since my lumpectomy, this black and white sonogram screen entranced Mike and me. We found out that we are going to have a baby girl! It is amazing to see this life inside of me so active, so graceful, so alive! Mike and I are now thinking of some names that would be good for a girl. So far they are Michelle, Natalie, Laura, Emma, and Johanna.

Journal Entry, March 19, 2003

Today comes with such mixed emotions because a year ago today I was experiencing my second breast surgical procedure! This year we celebrate a much more positive, less stressful, procedure! An ultrasound! We found out that she is a girl! We are going to have a girl! We also saw the Carissimo’s and their baby, Tunya! We spent a long time with them and had a wonderful visit! We pray that our daughter can grow up to live in a better world full of peace.

3/23/03: To Our Baby-A Message From Month Five:

Dear Baby,

Mommy is beginning to look very different. Here’s what we’ve been doing to get ready for your arrival. We are still trying to look for a cheaper place to live in Pacifica. We are not having too much luck in finding a place that has enough space for the amount we can afford. However, we have reduced our costs in other ways so we can have enough money to take care of any extra costs and Mom can spend some extra months with you. The California budget is in trouble and both Mom and Dad have received preliminary notices in regards to employment for next year. We have been attending the board meetings and we are okay with whatever destiny we are given. We have faith that whatever happens, we will be okay because we are having a baby! People have been extremely generous by giving you extra car seats, cribs, baby clothes, strollers, blankets and exploring toys! We are so lucky to have so much support!

March 26, 2003: Breast Reconstruction (A Six month follow-up exam)

Dr. Esserman and Debby Hamolsky examined my breast and reviewed the reconstruction. They checked for lymph nodes, scar tissue and my flexibility. I also gave them each a copy of my memoir and they thought it was a great idea! They were so happy to hear about the pregnancy and said they could not wait to see her in October!

Journal Entry, March 26, 2003

Today, what an incredibly rewarding day! We had a birthday party for a couple of students and watched “Undercover Brother.” I had a good teaching day and then I drove into the city for several doctor appointments.

I dropped off a copy of “It’s Probably Nothing” to Dr. Anthony, then Roshone at the hospital and finally, Dr. Esserman. Everyone seemed thrilled about the pregnancy and impressed with how my body was healing. Dr. Esserman said that my breast, stomach and reconstruction looked great! I am so glad that we are having a girl!

Then I was off to my therapy session. I mainly talked about the most recent telephone conversation I got from Uncle Jeff. He explained to me how my Dad wants to be a part of his life again. In my session we spoke of how calm I was on the telephone with my Uncle and why was that so? When we started to discuss my Dad in the session I realized how much mental work I need to do to affirm myself that I am a good person. I realized that I must create boundaries with my Uncle and anyone else who feels the need to bring up the relationship with my Dad. I am ready to deal with it, but maybe not now. Then I spoke to Billy a little about my session and he brought up some other points that I had not really thought about. Billy brought up the “fence” factor or the lack of loyalty my Uncle may be feeling. At one time in Uncle Jeff’s life, he refused to be a part of my Dad’s because of how Dad rejected us. Now my Dad has, somehow, made his way back to Stockton and back into Uncle Jeff’s life through telephone conversations and little camping trips. Billy called Uncle Jeff on this and questioned him where his true loyalty lies? You cannot have it both ways. It is so “Dad” to put Uncle Jeff in a position where he has to choose. I just do not want to hear about my Dad or be reminded that he still does not want me to be a part of his life. It is just too painful for me to deal with. I am trying to just be mindful now of creating boundaries with what I can and cannot deal with especially when it comes to my father.

Then I had a dream about one of my students riding a bike extremely fast! She was riding along this very steep cliff with me hanging on to the back and she was trying to impress me by how fast she could drive. She was doing some dare devil tricks and scaring me to death! She scared me but I did not want her to think that I was chicken. Instead, she was just laughing and I could not wait to get off this ride.

March 27, 2003: Week 21: Dr. Callen

I am 165 pounds! Dr. Callen says that I look great and that I am the perfect size! I expressed to my doctor that many people have been commented on how “small” I look and that I still do not look pregnant. This concerned me that maybe my baby was not healthy or maybe under weight. Dr. Callen took out her measuring tape, measured my belly and measured 21 centimeters. Then she said, “People do not realize that when they make these random statements to expecting Mothers they listen and it usually stresses out the Mom-to-be.” She shook her head and told me to try my best to enjoy this time and not be concerned with other people’s comments.

Journal Entry, April 1, 2003

Today two students played a practical joke on me. One student said that she was moving to New York and another said he was going to go to Baden. Although I understand the meaning of a “practical joke” these statements and actions really bothered me. I guess I am just too sensitive or too pregnant!

Journal Entry, April 2, 2003

My therapy session was good. It was emotional, but great. We mainly discussed my Mom’s wisdom and my Dad coming back into Uncle Jeff’s life. I also want to be the best parent I can so I figure that if I deal with the family issues and my unpredictable DCIS stuff, this will help me to be totally there for our daughter. My therapist helped me to visualize the intense stress that I was feeling and she walked me through a visual imagery. I felt much better and wrote a poem to help me to cope with my stress.

Laurie married Carlos December 31! We just received an “izone” picture of them stating, “We eloped! We are lucky to have each other.” When I called her to inquire about the announcement, she did not seem interested in discussing any of the details. She said that they did not announce the marriage earlier because they did not want to take the glory away from our baby. Mike felt the baby kick three times today!

Breathe

My heart burns with flames

The crimson color takes over the immense pain

I flinch, I tighten, I cannot breathe

I am stuck

Dry ice, cold, cool, ice melts

Over the flames and creates the silkscreen of my immense pain

My intense claim

My heart says, “Let go.”

I breathe it in slow, “Let go.”

My heart offers love and support

Love and support, Love and support

My heart feels the cooling sensation of realized, helpless pain of feeling stuck

Feeling afraid

Journal Entry, April 3, 2003

Today was a long, emotional day! One of Mike’s students died in a car accident yesterday and it was just too intense to deal with. I went to see Mike during my prep and had lunch with him to try to comfort him. Kory offered to cover my fifth period class too! Mike had a track meet that he had to go to, so Kory and Kate took me to see “Chicago.” Then Mike and I met up for Marla’s vigil at El Camino where we lit a candle, prayed and cried. We are always reminded of how precious life can be in the tears of so many. I pray that Marla’s family finds peace and that Mike’s students can find the strength to continue to get through school without her.

Journal Entry, April 8, 2003

I feel this week has been incredibly long, intense and sad. I am also allowing way too many students to get to me and bring me down. Mike is angry with the computer and expressing his frustration. I feel so lonely right now. I feel sad in the depth of my heart.

I think that these emotions are coming from the need for a Spring Break and it is totally okay to be alone and feel alone. I just feel sad and I suppose I should just be in the moment.

My Body Image:

My bellybutton seems to be slowly sticking out now and I can notice the definition of my tram-flap on my stomach. There is almost too much definition along my belly. Someone asks to see my belly and when they saw my bare skin and the deep scar from hip to hip, the look on her face was horrifying. I am now pretty self-conscious of my belly. All the pregnant magazines show these beautiful, smooth bellies and I look nothing like that! Mike always reminds me that the tram-flap scar is a symbol of my survival and that I am truly a warrior. I must be mindful that my beauty comes from within and the scars are just a line, a bookmark in my life when I had to make a very difficult decision and look what I got in return? A baby! Trading in my breast for a new life is a pretty good deal and I should just keep that in mind the next time someone gives me a scary look. I need to remind myself that I am beautiful.

Day of Silence

All of the silence is amazing at lunch

All the people participating in this feast

I am amazed by the prominent blackness and the amazing happy faces

The day, powerful and amazing

I am overcome with joy and dedication

Positive love

Positive light

Such a response

So many students

Such brave souls walked in silence today

Symbolizing the many painful experiences people like Mathew experienced

Intense Sadness, Intense Joy

A student said that I was pretty today

I needed to hear those words

For some reason there was such an intense sadness that had overcome me yesterday

I realize my hormones are flying and that I shall experience a great sense of emotions

Intense joy

Intense sadness

From one extreme to the next

Spot Mop

As I spot mop my life

I feel I can breathe a little easier

I figure it is okay to allow the uncertainties in life to pass through me

I suppose I should not let other people’s decisions take such a hold on me

I need to manage and let go

And yet there is so much to deal with

How will I ever clear my plate?

Journal Entry, April 12, 2003

I received Bill Arnold’s death certificate today. He died August 13, 2001 of Pneumonia (three days), due to Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (four months), due to AIDS (four months). His memorial was August 19, 2001 and his ashes were scattered in the Pacific Ocean near Laguna Beach. I cannot help to think about the last time I heard his voice. He called me from the hospital and left a message saying he had a close call. When I called him back, the telephone just kept ringing and ringing. I cannot recall if I called his voicemail or home pager, I just remember being ill that day and not being able to answer the telephone. I feel sad about not staying more in touch with him and making more of an effort despite my DCIS. If there is one thing that I learned from the DCIS experience, is there is no need to “wait until things get better.” Friends need to be involved in every aspect of one’s life, including the good and the bad.

Journal Entry, April 15, 2003

My dream took place in Lakewood Mall. It was prom night with people who were in our thirties. One prom participant was close to hitting and almost side swiped me. Laurie was coming to buy some cold medicine and I was trying to help her save some cash by giving her some items from my first aid kit. The guy who almost hit me is a jerk and rips my shirt off. I still have a slip on so I am not totally exposed. He yells profanities to me and I yell back. He becomes indignant and starts toward me. My sister suddenly disappears and so does my car. Mike tries to calm me down by avoiding the jerk and assuring me that maybe Laurie has my car. I flip off the jerk. We start chasing each other around the parking lot and a tow truck now gets involved. This tow truck guy comes with my car on a flat bed and puts some parts on top of the car. The jerk now has a crowbar and starts toward my car. Then Jonathan who is very tanned, talks to the tow guy and tells him to lower the flatbed. The tow truck guy said that he was only trying to help and that he does restoration. He was offering to repair what the vandals did to my car. Jonathan said, “I am going to have to side with Karol-Ann on this move, it is shady, man.” So the tow truck guy throws a set of keys to Jonathan, a crowbar, and a rusty, old-fashioned antique gun.

Journal Entry, April 16, 2003

Dear Mrs. And Mr. Arnold,

I am writing you with the deepest of regrets and sympathy in regards to your son’s death. I apologize that this letter is so late. I had some of my own battles with pre-cancer and was unable to get a hold of Bill’s contacts. I knew Bill back in 1988 when we both worked at the Hyatt Regency. Bill was a dear friend of mine who was extremely loyal, loving and generous with his soul. We connected instantly with our interests and passions. Bill never took his life for granted as he took every day in its moment. He always knew how precious life was. I admired his accepting, loving spirit and how he helped me to cope with a broken heart when my boyfriend said he did not love me anymore. Bill comforted me when my Mom died a painful death and taught me how to set her free so that I had no regrets. Bill supported my move to Germany when it seemed like no one supported this dream, but myself. I feel compelled to tell you that he always spoke very highly of you and his siblings- never judging your decisions and always wanting and wishing for you to be happy. I feel so bad that I was never able to meet you or his siblings because he always spoke so lovingly about his family. I hope this letter gives you some reassurance that he did not die in vein and that he truly lived life-, as I am a witness to his zest for happiness and peace. He was a great individual and someone whom I miss dreadfully! You should be proud of raising such an amazing, powerful son!

Sincerely,

Karol-Ann

Journal Entry, April 17, 2003

My session this week consisted of processing Bill Arnold’s death. The still freshness of his passing in my mind was so present. Alissa took me through another visual walk of where Bill was standing before me. She was trying to tell me how to process his death. “There is no need to feel bad or have regrets,” Bill says to me. There is no need to feel bad or have regrets about not calling him sooner about my DCIS. It occurs to me that he never took his life for granted and that the moments we shared were always an appreciation and savoring of the conversation spent. I never felt it was a waste of time or took what we talked about for granted. I know that he is in a better place at peace and that he went quickly. I hope that he did not endure too much pain in his last four months. I hope that I can soon find a peace in my heart to let go of this intense feeling of missing him.

Journal Entry, April 19, 2003

I felt my scar tissue and various nerves pinching me. It was so uncomfortable and scary for me to feel! I was so nervous about the baby and that maybe something was wrong with me. I was more afraid that the baby was in danger. I feel bigger and my body has endured the stretching again! I still cannot believe that there is a life inside of me and that we are going to have a baby. Part of me feels fat and the other part feels content. Will I be able to take good care of her? Will I be able to get back into shape? Will it all make sense? I want so much for all of it to be okay and I am sure that it will. We will be able to handle all of the challenges- I just need to have more faith.

Another Day On Father’s Day Rock

I am sitting upon what I call the Father’s Day Rock

I seem to develop wisdom as I sit here and listen to the powerful waves

Motion

Always constant

Always moving

I never get sick of the powerful sound

The waves make music in my mind

The music of the waves seem to act like fine flour sifting

Sifting all the petty stuff I seem to get all caught up in

I am just so lucky to have all that I do

I am so very fortunate to be able to live my life the way I feel I should

I have so much to give and to hope for

I sometimes become overwhelmed with all this joy

All the many possibilities

They truly are endless!

Black Crows Dancing In the Wind

I love watching the black crows

They dance in the wind with such grace

I love how their color contrasts to the rest of the beach

They intimidate

But they impress me so

Their strength

Their strong cries

They have no fear

They rely so much on each other

Their power really speaks to me

My Jonathan Prayer

I lift Jonathan up to you

May he see the change in his own amazing power and prayers

May he not endure all the hopeless anxieties one can allow to overcome our world of uncertainty

May he find ultimate strength in blocking and breaking through his amazing beauty

Love surrounds him

Let him feel the power from within

It is not hopeless

He is not helpless

He is so capable

He will prevail

Help him to realize this soon

Whenever

Whenever I see a humming bird

I am always reassured that whatever is currently happening

Wonderful, new beginnings, or changes are all for the best and truly blessed

Whenever I see a lady bug

I always think of the small beauties in the world

Kory O’Rourke

And happiness

Whenever I see a dog’s face

I am always reminded to “Be Happy”

I rarely see dogs with unhappy faces

Whenever the crows cross my path

They make me curious about the power of nature

Whenever I see these things, I remember that I love my Mother

I forgive my Father

I give peace to my Sister

The Arch Angel

I cannot imagine my life without Mike, my arch angel

He has given me so much love

So much joy

So much acceptance

I truly have become a better person with him beside me

The work I see in others to make things doable

It appears to be a “no-brainer”

For me and to him

I suppose what we have is “rare”

However, I cherish its uniqueness and quality of care

I love him

I am grateful for all that we know and share.

Uncertainty

Things around me feel so uncertain

People are out of touch

People pressuring me

Too much

My mind feeling blown away

How do I stay in touch?

Am I the one who is out of touch?

Do I really have a sense of true reality?

Journal Entry, April 20, 2003: Easter

Today Mike and I went to Tammy’s house in San Ramon. It was nice seeing Uncle Jeff, Lana, Aunt Jo Ann, and Tammy’s family. Tammy showed us her imovie” talents and was quite the hostess. The party was smaller and more intimate and there were a couple of times where Dad was brought up. This made me feel uncomfortable, but my logical side kept telling me, “Get over it, you are over reacting, get a grip.” I guess I am just too sensitive with all the events that are currently happening in my life. I suppose it may feel okay to just feel these emotions.

Journal Entry, April 21, 2003

This last week has been very relaxed since we ended up having to pay taxes! I think we have been very productive regardless of us being such homebodies. The weather has been a bit unpredictable, cold and rainy and some days have been fairly sunny, but I suppose that is okay too. Today I have completed my sixth month of being pregnant and almost into my last trimester! It is hard to imagine that I am going to have a baby! I am excited and scared all at the same time. It is also quite amazing that a year ago I was receiving second opinions and doing a great deal of research on the best, possible treatment for me. Last year just waiting to make the right decision and this year, just waiting for the baby to grow, develop and to be delivered safely! I prefer this year’s particular waiting game much better and it definitely is much more fun!

Helene called me and just does not sound in touch with certain things, especially her perception of Robert. She appears to be in denial about what is healthy for her. I am beginning to accept the many things that I have no control over. Helene is a part of this realization and I just send her peace.

4/22/03: To Our Baby-A Message From Month Six:

Dear Baby,

We are getting a little nervous. What will you be like? Who will you resemble? Here is what we’ve been thinking about. We want you to be a healthy, happy baby! Dad hopes that you will have Mom’s small ears, pinky toes and nose. Mom hopes that you have the calmness and intelligence Dad always seems to possess. You have been kicking and moving a lot. Mom has been feeling a lot of back pain and is having a real hard time getting comfortable. She has resorted to holistic oils, a heating pad and sleeping with four pillows.

April 24, 2003: Week 25: Dr. Callen

I am now 172 pounds! I took the sugar glucose test and found out the results of our sonogram. Dr. Callen scheduled another sonogram because my placenta is Previa. She said this is nothing to worry about and that the worst-case scenario would be to have a cesarean section.

Journal Entry, April 25, 2003

How can I possibly be a “dick”? How can any one possibly call me that and truly be a friend to me? How can someone possibly accuse me of being a jerk if they are the person who created irrational comments and inappropriate types of behavior? This person is the one who wanted us to name our baby after her. Help me to release this uncertainty. Could this be projection? My world of perception had made me such a brave soul and not afraid to say how I feel and to question things that do not make sense to me. Where has that taken me? I have found some sense of wisdom. Certain passengers on my life’s journey see me as someone who has changed for the worse or who is just too hormonal. I feel I just have grown and become stronger. I am not ashamed of what I am. I just think that some are having a hard time accepting me. I have endured some kind of strength and I cannot bury it! Maybe I am finally growing up…

Bill’s Visit

Bill, you look great!

Bill, I know you come from another, far away place

But I do not want to let you know that I know

For my fear is that you will slowly disappear

You are enjoying the brief visit in my old place

We are trying to make you feel very comfortable, but you don’t care about sleeping

You just want “time”

You just want to “catch up”

You want to see how I am doing

I am being selfish with this precious time

The clock is ticking

You look so happy

And you look happy to see me

Hurtful Side

My side hurts

My ribs are in pain

Stabbing the internal organs in my brain

My heavy body throbs and cannot overcome this pecking and chocking streaks of slated glass

My only relief is my bubbling belly in water

Can I live in the bathtub for another three months?

Journal Entry, April 30, 2003

I spoke to Mike Lato last night and was filled in on a lot of the details about Bill Arnold. I think that I can begin to mend my heart about his loss. I do need to open myself more to the possibility of forgiving myself and being happy that he is at peace. Mike told me to look at all the “gifts” that Bill brings you every day. He encouraged me to “listen” and that I will see his messages every day in the little things. I am becoming more mindful of that and I hope to be able to let go of some of this sadness. Mike is also forwarding my email to a couple of people who I can connect with to assist with some kind of closure.

Journal Entry, May 3, 2003

I look at my body and feel very big all over. My legs, one breast, my waist, and many ache and pains. How will I overcome all these insecurities? I cannot write right now because I am just too stressed!

Journal Entry, May 4, 2003

I am my Mother’s daughter. My body image is not so good this week, but what can I do? Mike and I went to Sonoma for the weekend and it was so nice to get out of town for a short time. It was relaxing just to hang out with Pete, Michelle, Gary and Aimee. I release all these feelings and insecurities about my belly. At Michelle’s shower, her friends were playing the boy-girl game and showing their bellies. They all looked so smooth, tan, and polished- no scars. I was so glad that they did not volunteer me because I would have been so scared to show my battered up belly. I need to feel more comfortable with my body, really.

May 8, 2003: Week 27: Previa Sonogram

The sonogram that we experienced was very interesting. We were amazed to see the baby’s well-defined feet and limbs. We were also able to see a clear view of the face. It was if she was looking right at us! The technician confirmed that the placenta has moved behind the birth canal and that this will ensure a vaginal birth at this point. The other interesting, unpredictable test was the vaginal sonogram. Despite this invasive probe, the image of the baby was the clearest I had ever seen of our baby’s body. I did not mind this kind of invasive test; I just needed someone to walk me through it.

Journal Entry, May 11, 2003: Mother’s Day

Today, Mike made me French toast and smoothies. He bought me a mini-rosebush and some chocolate. He walked with me and we watched the Giro d’ Italia Bike race. It was an incredible, relaxing day and we had a wonderful time hanging out with each other. My sister came by with a friend and she seemed really happy.

I finally sat down and wrote the cards of sympathy to Bill Arnold’s parents. It was freeing and adding to my ability to put some closure to this sudden death. My mourning was somehow, put on hold, until I could get all the news about his passing, contact addresses. Now I cannot wait to write to the two other contacts and start some kind of correspondence! My heart is slowing healing, finally!

I find it interesting that some people have commented on the fact that this is my last “motherless” day to celebrate while others made a point of wishing me a Happy, Happy Mothers Day. Some students even gave me some gifts and cards to commence this sacred day. People’s perception just amazes me more every day! I am just so glad to be here, be in this moment and feel my own Mom’s presence in so many ways.

Journal Entry, May 15, 2003

Tonight we went to Michelle and Pete’s co-ed shower in the city and it was really nice! We had such a great time seeing everybody and celebrating life. At the end of the evening, we were pretty hungry so we ordered the #2 at In-and-Out Burger. We also realized that dining at this place on a Thursday night at 10:00pm is the best time to get the quickest service! Rob’s graduation is this weekend and this is the last weekend of my San Francisco State class! Yippee!

Break Away

In my present state

I just want to break away

Step away from the drama

Protect myself

Protect my baby

My placement feels so unsafe

I hope that most of this is because this year is coming to a close

Help me to just break

Break away!

“You are what you love, not what loves you” – Charlie Kaufman in “Adaptation”

5/22/03: To Our Baby-A Message From Month Seven:

Dear Baby,

Many people want to have a special party for you. Dad only wanted one shower, but that would have taken the rental of the Rose Garden again. Friends from work are preparing a nice gathering some where in South City. Julie (your God mother) and Tammy (your second cousin) are also planning a wonderful shower in early June. Your Great Aunts and second cousins on your Grandma Pach’s side (Mom’s Mom) will be on holiday in June so they are planning a party for you July 6^th. So many people want to be a part of you coming into this world. You are already, incredibly loved!

May 22, 2003: Week 29: Dr. Callen

I weigh 176 pounds now! We heard the baby’s heartbeat and Dr. Callen wanted us to start making the rounds with other doctors soon. Dr. Callen said, “You have had an uneventful term, which is what we want. Everything is perfect and normal.” All is well.

Journal Entry, May 24, 2003

The good news is that my painful shoulder and back pain has subsided. I think it was also related to stress, exhaustion, diet and just plain discomfort. The bad news is I had another very difficult week! Work has been really stressful and full of distrust! I am nervous about next year and my destiny! I suppose that my perspective will change once I have a baby in my life, but until then, I hope that school will smooth itself out! I really should have more faith in my job, my life and myself.

Bill Arnold’s Dad called me to thank me for the card and photograph. He told me about the last weeks of his life and how brave he was. I am slowly gaining closure about Bill Arnold and I am so glad.

Journal Entry, May 25, 2003

Mike made a wonderful meal and we enjoyed watching a Law and Order marathon. Upon reflection about last year, it has been eleven months since my TRAM-FLAP and mastectomy. I just cannot believe how quickly a year can pass by. In addition to this health issue, I was trying to study for the CLAD and I was so nervous about it! All that worry and stress- where did it get me? It is all behind me, behind me. My job feels a bit strained and I am unsure if it really is the hormones, the May blues, or I am just burned out. I need to have more faith that everything will work out and work out the way they are supposed to be. I release all my doubts and fears! I deserve to be happy with my job and it starts now!

Journal Entry, May 30, 2003

Teacher Stress Dream #1: A stormy, windy day. The bay bridge is rickety and swaying. Several times in one day I must drive back and forth across this bridge. One of my students is with me and so is Upuia. I am on this quest to buy and eat Dunkin’ Donuts. The bridge is collapsing and I cannot seem to find the way home. There is a baby boy who has been abandoned off the side of the road. I am unsure who to go to. I ask Upuia and this trusted student for advice. I feel compelled to take care of this baby even though I am pregnant. I recall feeling really stressed out and overwhelmed with making the right decision and would I have enough time and energy to do this?

Teacher Stress Dream #2: I was trying to get to work. On the side of the freeway was Noelle Mendoza’s “trailer.” She was with her two sons and the trailer was a temporary home. They were waiting to move into their dream house that was currently being built. I desperately needed to use the bathroom. However, I could not figure out how to set up this portable toilet. It took me a very long time to set up that Noelle asked me, “Is every thing okay?” She offered to help and I said, “No, I am already so late for work, I must go.” I drove to work being very, very late and never being able to use the restroom. I was very uncomfortable!

Teacher Stress Dream#3: A trusted student wanted to record a song, but had no amplifier. I was trying to help her achieve this recording, but I could not get her on the telephone. I kept getting her voicemail and I was frustrated because I wanted to help her to “make it” and become famous.

Journal Entry, June 1, 2003

I do feel some peace and serenity these moments near the ocean tend to bring me. I can hear the waves calmly crashing and the sun is gently warming my body. I feel comfortable- I am grateful that some resolutions were made with my department drama and that some harmony does exist for the rest of the school year. I release my stress and hope that the rest of the week is full of peace and that I have plenty of time to complete all of my tasks stress-free. I think I will always be somewhat phobic of checking my emails.

Ready

I am ready for the change that is about to come

I am hopeful for many resolutions to abstain

How I use the advise I keep hearing from my Mother’s voice

“Have more faith”

“Have more faith”

Therefore, I should

I will

I can

I end this thought on the last page of this special “woman’s journal”

Everything is going to be okay

Thank you for my life

Health

Happiness

Peace

I accept it now

I am willing to obtain

I am ready to gain

I am ready!

June 4, 2003: Week 31: Met Dr. Lam

Today I met Dr. Lam. I did not get my weight gain, but he did suggest that I take my rings off because soon the swelling will increase. Everything is fine.

Journal Entry, June 8, 2003

This week was a little better than the previous ones and I am so glad we only have one more week to go. Kory, Kate and Jenna coordinated a school baby shower for us at Chevy’s and it was so sweet! We received a huge gift certificate for the glider rocker! We got that yesterday and it was so easy to put together. Jenna and I had lunch and she helped to pick out the best chair. Then today we had our family shower and it was so wonderful! So many people showed up and embraced us with love. Once again, we are so blessed to have so many people around us! We are so very lucky!

June 10, 2003: Meg Jernigan born!

June 12, 2003: Theresa’s Card & CD:

Dear Mrs. Coleman,

I just thought I’d write you a letter along with a few gifts. I really enjoyed having you as a teacher this year along with freshman year. You were there for me a few times and I really appreciated it and the advice you gave me throughout the school year. Thank you for being there last year when I came to you for help with that girl. You always told me I could come to you. Even us tough girls have to cry once in a while. I really admire your strength. You’ve been faced with so much yet you still remain a great person. I really look up to that. It takes a lot of courage too which you have a ton of! I hope someday I can be like that. Sometimes I feel so weak yet people say that I am a very strong person and it amazes me every time.

You’re a great poet! I enjoyed reading your poem book. I keep one myself. A few actually. I think over the school years of knowing you and you have grown yourself…try not to take people so seriously…easier said than done- believe me, I know. It is hard sometimes not to listen to the jackasses in the world (there are way too many). If you have the freshmen next year, try not to let them bring you down. They’re not worth it. If they want bad grades then that is what they will get. The last thing you need is stress. I think you will be a great Mom. Don’t be worried after having the baby like you said in class- about feeling overwhelmed. I am not a very religious person, but I think after going through the breast cancer, the baby in a way was like a gift from God. There is a great quote by Judy Garland, “I’ve never looked through a keyhole without finding someone was looking back.” Kind of like every cloud has a silver lining. I hope everything goes smoothly for you in labor. If I could go in the past, I would go back and watch my birth just to see what a ruckus my Mom was causing…ha-ha. Even the people in the waiting room could hear her screaming. She must have had a good set of lungs on her. She wanted a girl, too. She also wanted my birthstone to be purple and it was. I’m an amethyst. Pretty cool, huh? I was named after my great grandmother, but my original name would have been Chanel, like the perfume.

I really appreciate everything you’ve taught the endless support and me! Thank you. I hope you have a good summer! Relax! Have fun! I enclosed a CD for you. It’s some of my favorite songs that help me whenever I am down and hopefully you’ll like them.

I got you a little something for Emma/Natalie/Michelle. I know I still have my baby blanket and stuffed animals (you’re never too old for those no matter what anyone says) I wish you the best for you and your family.

Much Love, Theresa

Journal Entry, June 15, 2003: Father’s Day

Mike slept in and I took him to breakfast. We went to Humphrey’s where we had Belgian waffles, a hotcake sandwich, eggs and bacon. We walked along the ocean and then went for a three-mile hike. We spent most of weekend organizing and setting up stuff for the baby and our room. Mike made a great skirt steak, veggie kabobs, and a salad.

Kory’s Letter:

Karol-Ann, I have so many thank-yous to write to you in just this one card! Thank you for all of your love and support in the last year with GSA, the movie stuff, school stuff, life stuff! I’m so glad that we’ve gotten so much closer this year- you give me new perspective on life, and I am blessed by it!

Thanks especially for your help with our trip-the itinerary and the earrings and mostly, mostly the ride to the airport. You make us feel like family, and like we will be missed while we’re gone. I guess the biggest thank you is for you being you! You’re definitely a giver, girl! But thanks mostly for letting me (and us) into your life. I’m so lucky to be sharing the wonderful (and not so wonderful, too!) things happening to you and Mike.

Love, love, love!

Kory (and Kate too!)

P.S. Thanks for taking care of my girl at the graduation- she had fun!

June 17, 2003: Week 33: Hospital Tour

This tour walked us through the whole process of what happens once we go into labor, where to find parking and how to register for a smooth delivery. This tour made me very excited about the “labor day” and comforted some anxiety about what to do once the contractions start to kick in. There is so much to worry about that I do not have the brain capacity to maintain or contain.

June 18, 2003: Fred Scott born and Michelle Jernigan’s birthday!

June 19, 2003: Week 33: Met Dr. Fang

Today we met Dr. Fang and she was very nice and enthusiastic. She assured us that everything is going at the pace it should. She also made some great suggestions for some pediatricians. She did not give me my weight gain.

Journal Entry, June 20, 2003

I am on the other end of a bookend. Last year the bookend was preparing myself for the loss of a breast and the journey to recover. I battled the surgery and endured recovery. The other bookend is enduring similar doctor appointments, but the anticipation is that of a child. My only hope is that I have enough love to give.

I have a feeling with many thoughts and feelings. I have completed half of my daily walk along the sea wall. I seem to gain insight and hope whenever I take the time to stop, breathe, and reflect upon the day and events of the day. I gain some kind of keen perspective. Tom Beyer is here visiting us for about a week and he seems to be enjoying the weather and the company. I called Vicki today to see how her first day of school was and she sounded optimistic about her Health class. She told me that Katie is in her class and that it seems like she will do well this summer. I hope that they use each other to get through this summer class. I just saw a ladybug! I wonder how Kory and Kate are doing in Europe?

Last weekend was spent “nesting” and trying to get the bedroom arranged in such a way so that we have the changing table and bassinet arranged in a cooperative way. Laurie and Mike helped immensely with this process! We did some pretty creative moving!

We toured the hospital, did the baby check-up and will be attending our birth preparation class tomorrow. Things seem to be coming together in their own systematic way.

June 21, 2003: Child Birth Class

After attending the birth preparation class I feel I am even more nervous about labor and how to deal with early labor. I am confident that all I need is the support of Hase. I am just so overwhelmed with all the responsibility and knowledge and experience I am going to need to know. There is so much to remember and so much to prepare for, but I am confident that Mike will be an excellent coach!

6/22/03: To Our Baby-A Message From Month Eight:

Dear Baby,

The funniest thing happened in childbirth class. Our instructor was asking us to act out a labor scene where Mom was supposed to scream at Dad and tell him what a jerk he was. This did not feel natural to Mom because she feels incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful husband and that you will have such a wonderful Dad. So Mom could not get into character. Dad said, “Hase wasn’t very mean to me.” The best advice we received that day was to breathe. After the class, both Mom and Dad were a little scared that they may not be able to do this “labor thing.”

Journal Entry, June 22, 2003

Last night was filled with much discomfort, especially around my hips. They are probably stretching. I am just really tired and feeling a little sorry for myself.

Reflecting upon last year, June 25^th was my tram-flap surgery and my mind was in a totally different place. Both Mike and I are so grateful to be preparing for a baby instead of body drains and drug schedules. It just occurred to me right now my journey last summer and how far I have come and I am feeling this baby kick more and more inside me! I am so amazed by the possibilities of my life and my purpose!

Journal Entry, June 23, 2003

Today felt like a Sunday, but my body was really uncomfortable today. I was coughing and sneezing up a storm. I am thinking it allergies and my body still trying to recover from a cold and then I started thinking that maybe this was part of experiencing pre-pre labor symptoms. I had some fresh strawberries, spoke to Danny Lanzetta and finally wrote an email to Sharon Russell, Bill Arnold’s friend. I switched back to channel two to watch the rest of the baseball game and it was overtime! Then Barry Bonds stole a base and made it home when Santiago hit a base run in the 11^th inning. This move made Barry 500/500; 500 home runs/500 bases stolen! I am so happy that Tom and Mike got to experience such a fun game!

July 2, 2003: Week 35: Met Dr. Wiggins

I weigh 179 pounds, 34 cm. This doctor took the time to ask me more about my tram-flap and assured me that if I am unable to breastfeed, it does not make me less than a mother. She made me feel good because she validated my DCIS experience and assured me that I would be a good mother.

July 4, 2003: Independence Day & Mom’s Birthday

I was up as early as 6:30 am. I made coffee, tea and addressed all the August birthdays. I finally wrote to HBO, American Airlines, and Veranda Restaurant about what a difference they made this past year. Mike and I went to my Mom’s grave where we cleaned her grave and decorated it with silk flowers. We did the same for Nanny’s grave too. Her birthday is on August 7^th. We had breakfast at Denny’s and then walked Wiley around Pacifica. We bought some safe fireworks and went to Phill and Stephie’s for a fourth celebration!

Journal Entry, July 6, 2003: Ritz Carlton Tea

Today I saw Aunt Sue, Aunt Jo-Ann, Nancy, Anne, Shari and Laurie for tea. It was a nice celebration and an opportunity to see my family. They got me a beautiful high chair, baby silverware, cute little dresses and educational books. I feel so loved. I think it is so important for me to remember that even though I do not have a traditional “Mom” and “Dad” I have so much more in the extension of my Aunts, Uncles and cousins.

July 9, 2003: Week 36: Met Dr. Liniecki

My weight was not documented again but I am sure that I am pushing 180 pounds! This was the first internal exam I experienced. I did not have a chance to take a deep breath before she conducted the exam, so it was a little uncomfortable. Then she took a sample that felt similar to a pap smear. She said that I would receive the results by next week. She commented on the position of the baby and was concerned that if she drops before in position I may have to get a C-section. They will assess the position of the baby next week.

Journal Entry, July 11, 2003

We went up to Sonoma to see baby Meg, Michelle and Pete. It was so nice to just hang out and see this cute little baby! Michelle looks great! Pete, a happy, proud Pop and Meg looks just like him! We also were able to see Aimee, Fred and Gary briefly. Michelle was dealing with the recent death of her aunt so she was occupied with mothering several other people in her family. I hope that she finds some peace in her heart for not going to the funeral in New York. The baby is only four weeks old!

I am tired of these restless, early mornings, but at the same time- these moments I am sure I will cherish a month from now. Maybe it’s a way to prepare my body what is to come. However, I seem to be successfully completing my writing projects like my book and my memoir. I have to admit that I have been worrying a lot about the health of the body because of all the occasional beer or glass of wine. Then I think I need to have more faith and I should just stop worrying.

Last week during therapy I realized that there are people currently in my life that I no longer can count on. In some way, they have let me down. Even though my Dad is not physically in my life, I still have to deal with the absence. So my therapist encouraged me to just accept what I cannot control and try to be okay with dealing with the painful emotion of distrust and disappointment. There are many people who have let me down and that explains part of the reason why I feel confused with certain relationships. I addressed some feelings about my father and how to try to FEEL these feelings instead of trying to minimize them. I told my therapist that if I spend too much time on talking about my Dad that I am, in a way, giving him to much power in my life. There is a very real part of me that feels that Dad does not deserve any time in therapy or so much attention. That must mean that he matters. I used a “dirt clod” analogy. It is huge, hard, massive and very difficult to crumble. It is like a tough rock that is just too overwhelming to break down. It is hard for me to “shave” off the edges or dry the crumbles from the sides. This is a daunting task because it takes time. However, if I accept the experience as a way to process the pain of my Dad’s rejection, then maybe it won’t be hard to minimize or de-value. Another visual that came to my mind was that of a ball of steel wool. This is a beautiful illustration of what it looks like when I feel stressed. My therapist encouraged me to buy one and work with it and try to pull it a part as a way of making less stress and working with my stress. She reminds me always to breathe and remember that it is always okay to just feel.

July 16, 2003: Week 37: Met Dr. Galaif

I weigh 182 pounds! I tested positive for Group Strep B so when I deliver, I need antibiotics administered before the baby is born. I feel a little abnormal! The baby is in position and there is no need for scheduling a C-section right now. Dr. Galaif asked if I wanted the internal exam and I said, “No thanks.”

Journal Entry, July 19, 2003

Mike bought me a dust mite pillowcase in order to see if I can sleep better at night. My doctor also felt that my symptoms appear to be allergic reactions and not a cold. She suggested that I take Claritin for a week and see how I feel. I already feel a little better. I guess my body relay needed to rest. The past two or three days, the baby has been moving so much! It is so nice to have Dexter around our house again. She is so sweet! Yesterday, I had a real nice lunch with Jenna and Sharon at Nona’s. They were so nice to come to Pacifica and catch me up on the latest about South City.

7/20/03: To Our Baby-A Message From Month Nine:

Dear Baby,

We have done a lot of research on daycare and nannies. Although we both have jobs, the California budget and teaching crisis has not ensured us a raise for next year. We will stay here another year, cut back in other areas and figure out what we need to do for next summer. We are hopeful that everything will work out the way it is suppose to.

July 23, 2003: Week 38: Dr. Callen

I am 181 pounds and Dr. Callen said that I am perfect! The baby is currently –2.

Journal Entry, July 23, 2003

We are really enjoying watching The Tour de France and getting ready for the baby. I am feeling a lot of Braxon hicks tonight. I was able to type up to 1999. Mike and I joined the English department dinner last night and it was really nice connecting with everyone. Mike and I also saw Terminator III with three of my students on Monday and we had such a great time. Even though we are having a quiet summer, I am so relaxed!

July 31, 2003: Week 39: Dr. Callen

I am 182 pounds and my due date is tomorrow. Dr. Callen says that I am 50% effaced and that the baby seems to be in position. She is currently –1.

Journal Entry, August 1, 2003: Baby’s Due Date

Even though the baby has not been born, I am so glad that I am completing my life project of typing and transcribing my life up to 2003! I have completed many “labor lists” and am savoring every day that I experience the luxury of sleeping in. The only question that I find the most irritating is, “Have you had the baby yet?” And “Are you getting tired of being pregnant?” If people do not bring this up then I won’t be inclined to think about it. I missed my twenty-year high school reunion, but my fear of feeling extremely self-conscious and stressed that I would go into labor was too much for me to deal with. The baby will come when she is ready. We are coming up on Nanny’s birthday, August 7^th and August 8^th isn’t so bad, either. All is well!

Journal Entry, August 2, 2003

I woke up with so much energy today! I am not sure, but this could actually be “the nesting” energy the birth class prepared us for. I feel like I have been nesting all summer, though. I am grateful that this baby is late because I would not have been able to complete my life’s project! I feel so relieved that all has been put in ink and in a book. It only took me two months to transpose the year 1990 – 2003! It feels so amazing to have this behind me! Mike and I went on a walk today and for the first time in many months I actually walked up the hill and was not exhausted! It is quite possible that this is it! Part of me feels this “boost of energy” is just the heavy weight lifted from my huge writing project. Yesterday, Mike went with me to Kinko’s to create my “It’s Probably Nothing” prototype for potential publishers. I am so excited about making this memoir look like a professional book. This whole writing process has been so therapeutic!

Journal Entry, August 4, 2003

I have noticed that when I speak- people are less inclined to listen to me. They hear me talking, but they are not really listening to the words or content. I feel many different scenes where people are just talking at me and it is really frustrating when others just have their own agenda. There is a great song by the Beatles that totally talks to me:

“I’m Looking Through You”

I’m looking through you

Where did you go?

I thought I knew you

What did I know?

You don’t look different, but you have changed

I’m looking through you

You’re not the same

Your lips are moving

I cannot hear

Your voice is soothing, but the words aren’t clear

You don’t sound different

I learned the game

I’m looking through you

You’re not the same

August 4, 2003: My Birth Plan

Dear California Pacific Medical Team,

Thank you for all of the information that you have provided in the childbirth class and on the hospital tour. I have thought about how I would like my labor and delivery to be.

My husband, Mike, will be my companion during labor. He attended the childbirth class with me.

I would prefer an epidural for pain relief. I have a feeling I may need it during the 3 –7 cm dilated, but I have no idea how tolerant I will be of any kind of pain.

If I have to have a Cesarean section I would like my husband, Mike, to be with me throughout the operation. My previous surgical procedure was in June 2002 (TRAM-Flap). I am unsure if you need to consult a plastic surgeon, but my surgeon was Dr. Anthony. (415) 552-7018. If the delivery is vaginal, I would like my husband to cut the umbilical cord and if safe, assist with the delivery of the baby.

I would prefer not to have an episiotomy and in doing so, I would prefer the perinea massage technique in order to cause the least possible tearing.

I intend to breastfeed on demand, but I am aware that only my left breast is capable of doing this task. I am very open to using formula and/or alternating breast milk and formula.

I would also like my husband, Mike, to be able to stay with us in the hospital room and I would prefer for our baby to sleep in the same room with us.

I am a teacher and appreciate instructions and “walk-throughs” so that I can mentally prepare myself for the next step. Talking me through any process and/or using examples will be helpful for both my husband and myself.

Thank you in advance for all your support and assistance,

Karol-Ann Coleman

August 6, 2003: Michelle’s Birth by Michael Coleman

On the night of August 5, 2003, Karol-Ann and I joined our friends (Stefano, Didem, Guy, Alison, Mike and Lorna) at a restaurant named Eldo’s on 9^th Avenue in San Francisco. Guy & Alison were celebrating their 10^th wedding anniversary.

During the evening Karol-Ann began to feel sporadic abdominal pain. She was 4 days past due, and we realized that this might be the time. We enjoyed a great meal with good friends and went home to rest.

On the morning of August 6^th, at around 3:30, Karol-Ann awoke with greater, more intense abdominal pains. After they returned 20 minutes later, and again 17 minutes after that we began to time the length and frequency of her contractions.

By 6 A.M. Karol-Ann’s contractions were occurring every 8-10 minutes, each lasting 30-75 seconds. They still weren’t yet 5 minutes apart, nor were they lasting a minute in duration consistently, but they were really starting to hurt Karol-Ann, so I called the Hospital. After describing our times to the on-call physician, they told us that unless anything changes we should go ahead and report to our office visit that morning at 10:30.

It was a beautiful day as we drove down Great Highway on our way to CPMC. Karol-Ann went from joking and making off hand comments as though it was any other day, to clenching her eyes shut, lurching forward, gripping the dashboard, and moaning a slow, deep wail. I struggled to drive while working my wrist stopwatch, but it soon became clear that the duration between her contractions had almost instantly fallen from 7-10 minutes to only 3 or 4 minutes apart. We were being high jacked by the fetus.

When we arrived at the Hospital for our 10:30 visit, Karol-Ann’s contractions were becoming debilitating. A very sympathetic nurse ultra sounded her, checking amniotic fluid and looking to see how the baby was handling things. After attaching fetal monitors and carrying on some discussion with the other nurses it was decided that Karol-Ann should be wheeled down to triage, rather than walk down the block to be examined by her OB\GYN.

At 11:30 we were admitted to Room 206. Our admitting nurse, Sharon was very caring and helpful but ended up leaving soon after we arrived. Michelle took Sharon’s place. She was very attentive, but fumbled several items. She spoke quickly in broken English, so we didn’t always know what was going on at this time. By 1 P.M. Karol-Ann had reached the point where she could receive epidural anesthesia. Dr. McGehee slipped the catheter into Karol-Ann’s back as she felt her last intense contraction of the day. From that point on she was able to converse, listen to music, and watch television between enduring her contractions.

Our nurses for labor were both great. Monet was being trained and Margrit was checking and confirming everything that she did. They checked Karol-Ann every hour or so, watching her fetal monitors and adjusting her medications to ease her pain and speed her labor. Margrit correctly estimated that if everything went smoothly, Karol-Ann might start pushing around 7 P.M. In the meantime we watched an episode of Law & Order, and saw the Yankees blow a lead on Texas, then rested the last hour, listening to the Sedona Suite.

Dr Wiggins looked refreshingly casual when she arrived in scrubs and a denim jacket. She dressed for surgery and returned to prepare Karol-Ann for delivery just before 7 P.M. Karol –Ann was instructed to work though every contraction by tucking her head and squeezing her abdominal muscles. I was delighted in being included in the delivery, Counting 1-10 during each push, bracing Karol-Ann’s head, and splaying her right leg out. K-A pushed to a Grand Canyon themed new age musical arrangement. After each contraction she amazed the medical team by pushing our baby further and further out of her uterus. After about 4 or 5 contractions our baby’s head appeared. One push later and Michelle Johanna was born. 7:30 P.M. August 6, 2003.

Law & Order vs. The Yankees

Sucking on lemon drops and watermelon jolly ranchers

Mike puts the ice chips slowly in my mouth

Watching a classic rerun of Law and Order entertains my brain

Mike is not totally committed to the baseball game for fear the nurses will think less of him

Mike eats trail mix and peanut butter sandwiches

He anticipates for the next phase in our life

We listen to “Come What May” and start to weep in unison

The words and music compel us to embrace this moment

I watched this “L and O’ episode last night

The mucus fell

The bag of waters broke

The poor Yankees lost

Doses of petosin increase

But this moment has just begun

3cm

As he places his hands on my sacrum, another hand searches to find the perfect disk

With all the effort my husband spends in relieving the pressure, there is no more peace to endure

I cannot escape

Nothing seems to help

Although the needle takes only a matter of minutes to be injected in my raw flesh

I cannot resist screaming, crying and yelling for someone to take the pressing vice away

“I’m such a baby,” I think to myself

My brain fills with insecurity

The cord is wrapped around her neck

The nurses are watching her closely down to every moving position that I possess

My husband says, “We’re going to have a baby today!”

Within thirty minutes I realize I can tolerate contractions and admit that I can wait another two days for this baby

Dr. Wiggins compliments my birth plan and assures me that everything is going to be just fine

A nurse named, “Bree” sees the visual image of my Wonder Woman picture and says, “That is great!…That image is totally the best one I have ever seen.”

Just for a moment I think about the previous summer and how my mental preparation was so different

How I lost a part of my body and sacrificed a whole summer to heal

This year I have gained a brand new life in so many ways and have not wasted a moment!.

24 minutes

8 births this day

16 hours of labor

24 minutes to push

2 stitches

Michelle, priceless

Michelle moment

Moments after she was born

Undecided between Michelle or Natalie

Then I saw Mike hold her and they had a moment where they made eye contact

This girl had named herself by the way she looked at her father.

Michelle is her name

Room 259

What a relief

She took to the one breast I have

She wants to hold one of us

The 3am nurse dubbed her “The cuddler”

She likes to sleep, too

Sleeping never felt so good

Can I believe what we just went through?

It is in this moment

Is there any way I can define?

Only in the walls of room 259

Bladder Fantasy

No one can fully prepare me for the iced maxi

No one told me that this would be this uncomfortable

When can I have my bladder back?

I cannot leave the room

I cannot cough too hard

I cannot make it to the bathroom

“Depends” never looked so good

Journal Entry, August 10, 2003

Baby, Baby, Baby Michelle! You are beautiful! Thank you God for delivering a healthy, happy baby! Thank you for allowing me to not have too much pain. Thank you for the many angels who have watched over my pregnancy and baby Michelle! We are, once again, so lucky! Mom, you were right! I needed to have more faith! Everything just worked out!

Journal Entry, August 11, 2003

Michelle has been less than five days old as of today! She looks happy! People are telling me that I look great, especially after having Michelle so recently! This is making me feel so good about myself. The nurse commented that she has seen many mothers and that I did not look like a woman who had just given birth! Maybe all the walking I did helped with this part of the birth. I cannot believe that I just had a baby and that I have a daughter! Mike has been absolutely wonderful! He is truly a natural father with many wonderful nurturing qualities. I feel bad for our cats, Djuma and Jinx, but they are humbled and pretty mellow about being “locked out” of the bedroom at night. I feel so grateful for my life and the smoothness of my labor, delivery and a healthy baby! Now, welcome to the world of worry…thank you for this incredible miracle! I am so blessed, we are so blessed!

Journal Entry, August 16, 2003

Today was the Carrellas going away party in Half Moon Bay. Mike’s Mom has been here for almost a week now and she has been so helpful, but this motherhood job is really a challenge for me. I feel so inadequate and I have never felt so much tension in my relationship with my husband. I just need to stop listening to all of the advice and follow my heart. As Mom says, “Have more faith…” I love my husband and Michelle and this new life we have entered, but it is so emotionally stressful- I just wish that I had all the answers. It is so sad to think the Carrellas will no longer live close to us. Tomorrow is a new day.

Journal Entry, August 20, 2003

After seeing the doctor today I feel a little better and exhausted all at the same time. The fact that Michelle needs supplemental formula creates something for Mike to feel more a part of the feeding- we got the okay with the pacifier use and also finger sucking. The doctor also said that Michelle is strong and a fighter. In fact, Dr, Zaglin looked at Michelle, looked at us, flexed his arms and said, “When I see babies like this, I never worry about them because they are so strong and active.” Dr. Zaglin said that he is seeing Michelle do many things a six-week baby would do. I am so grateful that Michelle is healthy and that my prayers have been answered and Mom was right…I should have had more faith! Thank you! My breast-feeding does not make me less than a mother.

August 20, 2003: Dr. Zaglin: Six pounds, nine ounces, 20 ¾ inches

“When I see babies like this, I never worry about them because they are so strong..” These words spoken by Dr. Zaglin made me feel even better about Michelle. Dr. Zaglin also gave us permission to supplement Michelle’s feeding with formula. Mike can now be a part of the feedings and bond with his daughter and Michelle can start to gain some weight! Dr. Zaglin assured me that it would be very difficult to keep up with Michelle’s metabolism with four breasts so there is no need for me to feel guilty about alternating the feedings.

8/21/2003

169

I am sitting in my sitz bath

Bubbles with aveda oil

I soak my worries and fears

I still am needed

I am grateful for my life

Things always have a way of working themselves out

I release my doubts and fears

I am reminded of Michelle’s special birth

I am healed

I see beyond my belly

I can wiggle my toes

My breasts are still uneven but busty regardless

And today I weigh 169!

August 22, 2003: Dr. Zaglin’s follow-up: Six pounds, 15 ounces, 21 ¾ inches

“She is well on her way.”

8/26/03

My first full day with Michelle

Slept in until 8:30am

First feeding until 8:50am

She went into her bassinet

I was able to:

Make my bed

Wash my face

Brush my teeth

Pull back my hair

Get dressed for the day

Put Michelle in the infantino

Heated up the coffee

Drank my smoothie

Walked along the seawall

Then I showered

Michelle had a big feed in the glider-rocker

Nap

Lunch at 12:00

Errands

Made phone calls

Journal Entry, August 27, 2003

Today Michelle is three weeks old and I am recovering in my third week too! My bellybutton feels like it is shrinking and darkening. My feminine area seems to been much less painful. Mike has been great buying all my necessary products without batting an eye or feeling embarrassed. He is truly a saint! I no longer need pain relievers, but the sound of Michelle’s cry is hard to get used to. I really missed Mike today and my fellow teacher friends at South City. I have so much to be grateful for, so why am I so sad, depressed and lonely? “I need to have more faith.” If I focus on some kind of a flexible routine, I can feel in control of a small aspect of my life. Maybe that is what is going on…control or the lack of control I have when it comes to Michelle. Things can be unpredictable and will make me feel insecure. However, if I get used to this feeling, then maybe I can find some comfort in knowing I can do this new job. I need to get more comfortable with all of the gear and feeling comfortable with what is unpredictable. I am trying to walk as often as I can with Michelle and get some kind of fresh air. It is so weird becoming so familiar with daytime television.

8/30/03

Baby Blues

As I battle with the baby blues in the Safeway store

I cannot seem to define “my role”

Can I do it all?

Can I be it all?

Should I separate myself from school?

Do I need more or just redefine my role?

It’s a change

It is different

It all seems so different

Journal Entry, September 1, 2003

Today, Mike, Michelle and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary! We went to the Rose Garden and walked briefly through the park. I became very tired so we sat down for a short time and admired the beautiful weather. We went to Park Chow for lunch and had an amazing meal. I took a nap when we arrived back home and Mike and Michelle spent the afternoon watching the Law and Order marathon on TNT. My depression subsided today I think because I was not alone and I was able to get some rest. I finally used the breast pump and I felt so inadequate. I suddenly thought, “Is Michelle getting enough milk?” It took me more than twenty minutes just to get two ounces of milk! Help!

Journal Entry, September 3, 2003

Today is Michelle’s lunar birthday! It’s been almost a month since she was born and that seems so long ago! Where did all the hours go? It is ironic that the birth of Michelle seems so far away, yet everyone keeps telling me how fast she is going to grow…I know, I know, I must be mindful of the ever so precious time that I have with this amazing mellow soul! This week I am feeling a little better than last week. I do not feel nearly as depressed or alone and I suppose it’s because I have started asking for help and support. Mike helped me with my anxiety about going to the grocery store and Laurie is coming with me to the daycare center. Julie and Gabriel seem to have all the answers and validate every emotion that is coming over me. I am also realizing that there are so many Moms’ a phone call away that are going through the same exact thing. I just need to reach out and ask for help. I am going to try to get involved in a Mother’s group so that I do not feel so alone. I do feel a little forgotten from South City, but I suppose I should embrace this new job in my life and not dwell on the old one. I hope this isolated feeling subsides and occurs less and less.

September 5, 2003: Month One: Dr. Zaglin: Eight pounds, 22 ½ inches

“This baby looks great and is in the higher percentile in many areas.. She really is doing great!”

Journal Entry, September 6, 2003

Happy Birthday to you, Michelle! Happy One Month Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, you amazing, healthy, happy child, you, Happy Birthday to you! I am excited about the many new changes occurring and this week felt good because I am making an effort to get in the car and getting out there in the world. Many people are helping me to feel more comfortable with this transition. I called my therapist this week after receiving a “letter” from my Dad. I know I do not have to do anything, but I feel as if I am too busy to deal with another dramatic event in my life. The best decision will reveal itself to me.

September 6, 2003: Michelle’s first smile

Journal Entry, September 7, 2003

I cannot believe that one month ago I was in labor and bringing Michelle into this world! This weekend I was content just staying at home with Michelle and Michael.

Journal Entry, September 9, 2003

I know I need to be more patient, but I am already being obsessed with my body and weight and my bladder is really bumming me out! I cannot release this emotion quick enough. I am crying inside and dying to wear some other clothes besides the “standard” two shirts and pants. Help me to release all this stuff!

9/11/03

Squeaky Girl

She squeaks at night

This love in our life

She lightens all of the darkest nights

A reminder of how our life is precious

She has big pools of sunshine eyes

Small ears and snow white skin

Her feet as tall as the longest, peaceful night

Another Year

Another year is here

The pain never seems to totally disappear

I embrace the pain and tears of many

I witness throughout the day

I keep in my brain a blueprint of that fateful day

How we all changed our view

How we all looked at things with a clearer lenses

We suddenly held on to more things that mattered most dear

I do not think the pain will ever totally go away

I do not know if it is such a good idea to be blind of the pain

We are reminded that we are vulnerable

We all are lucky

We all love

Kindness should be more constant

Love is truly the key

The key to life

September 13, 2003: Michelle’s first cold: Eight pounds, thirteen ounces

Journal Entry, September 14, 2003

This week was much better and I felt very productive, but I was so tired come Saturday- can I learn how to pace myself? I am glad Michelle is feeling better because I was so worried that her cold might be more serious! She seems to be getting back to her normal, cute self! Her appetite is increasing and she is smiling much more! Mike made some amazing dishes this weekend with scallops and shrimp. Jinx really stressed me out when she mauled Djuma in a dead sleep. My body, help, will I be able to get back to that pre-pregnant state? “Calgon, take me away.” Johnny Cash and John Ritter passed away on Friday and I finally cleaned the desk and the two kitchen junk drawers! Am I a nerd for being excited about that aspect of my life? I am getting better with this Mom thing, but I still feel like I am babysitting a beautiful relative. I just cannot believe she belongs to us!

September 20, 2003: Mike’s Birthday

Today was gorgeous! The weather in Pacifica was spectacular! We were capable of getting the house in gear for a small get-together, but it seemed to take so much work! Last night I took Mike out to dinner and we really enjoyed Lobster, scallops, shrimp and seafood chowder at Nick’s. When we got home, Michelle was out, but Laurie and Pat had concerns that Michelle had a major case of diaper rash. She was fine. Mike had a great day filled with a lot of laughter, spirits and an elaborate skirt steak. Jonathan, Fernie, The Bernath’s, Mike Taylor, Lorna, The Carissimo’s, Cyri and our neighbors all came over and stayed for a long time. Mike was very pleased with the turnout and thanked me for setting up the dinner.

Journal Entry, September 21, 2003

Every day is different for me…some days I am so happy and other days I am so lonely and sad, like a yo-yo. My bladder has just not been able to hold things in and the stresses of the cats peeing, clawing, mauling and escaping are bleeding my mind. I just cannot get over some of the overwhelming sadness and yet I feel like I should just be grateful and happy! I ask for faith, help and peace…I want to feel good again, now…I am sad, but I know that my purpose is here, now! I am fulfilled, so do I really want more? Do I really need it all? Really? Help me, please; I do not want to be sad anymore…can I have my bladder back please? How about feeling sexy?

Journal Entry, September 21, 2003

This weekend we had some friends over for Mike’s birthday and having a baby involves so much extra work, time and energy. I expected this to be the case, but WOW! Did I have a meltdown today! It was hot here in Pacifica, Michelle was a little fussy, and I was exhausted! The cats are nutty and fighting a lot with each other. Djuma clawing at the screens and Jinx attacking Djuma when she sleeps! I suppose this place is getting much smaller and all of this baby gear can be smothering to some degree. I am realizing that Michelle does not need much and now she is so alert and looking at so many things- so why am I complaining? I know I need to pace myself, but I feel as if I am crazy! Help me to feel sane again. Mom, there is so much that I want to tell you and share with you! There are still moments when I want to call you and I forget you are not physically present to help me, guide me, love me…help me, please because I am so sad and lonely right now and I cannot get out!

Journal Entry, September 21, 2003

“What a difference a day makes!” I woke up with Mike, showered, cleaned, walked, made some calls, spoke to Mike and napped all with Michelle! I even had some alone time. Now I am ready for a massage!

Pink

I wear the symbol on my chest

A symbol of breast cancer awareness is a part of my identity

Who comes into my life?

A girl who shows me that the step I took was worth taking

A woman who will grow to appreciate life and understand the true symbol of pink

Strength

Courage

Faith

A favorite color

Soft on the eyes

A clear message

Forever

She is a gift!

Storm Angel

As I drive over the sunny hill

The sun blazes through the carefully sun screened windows

She is protesting

She needs me to hold her

In the bustle of the traffic and hot sun, I find a shady place to run

She is crying

Her tears are full of puddles of pain

I hold her and tell her, “I am so sorry about the hot sun.”

Suddenly the clouds come over the hill

The blazing sun is covered by the storm angel

This angel who always seems to look after my small car

My baby’s comfort

And my safety

Thank you, storm angel!

September 26, 2003: Michelle’s first laugh

Journal Entry, September 24, 2003

I went to my first post-partum depression meeting today and I found it to be very validating. The other woman who was participating also lives in Pacifica and has offered to set me up with a woman’s group in Pacifica. Nothing is a mistake! I feel good about setting up some schedules and communicating my insecurities with Mike. I will get through this, I know.

Journal Entry, September 29, 2003: Recovery Check-up & Dr. Wiggins

Today I saw Dr. Wiggins and she checked everything and I am almost back to my prepregnant state. She said that I looked great and Michelle looks beautiful! She thought it was great that I have taken advantage of the support offered by Newborn Connections and reached out to others for help.

Journal Entry, September 30, 2003

Today I went to UCSF and donated two copies of my book to the Ida and Friend Center. The coordinator said she would put my book in the personal narratives section in between Lance Armstrong and Gilda Radner- what a privilege. I went up to the fourth floor to visit with Roshone and she was pleased to see Michelle and me. Roshone was asking about the second part of the book and I told her I was still working on it. It was so cool to return to this place and find comfort in the closure of my DCIS. Michelle is such a wonderful symbol that my life has moved on and that I can focus on more happy moments in my life. I feel like this is the time of my life where I can be hopeful again for the future.

9/30/03

Happy Birthday Bill!

Bill, you are here

You watch over the day’s events

You are here and I thank you for being my friend

Happy Birthday!

We toast to your spirit

We toast to your love

We toast to how much you have given us

Thank you, for your wisdom and your sweetness

I am lucky

We are lucky to have you in our hearts

Journal Entry, October 1, 2003

I went to the second session of the post-partum group and I was somewhat depressed because I felt as if I did not really belong there. I felt bad for the new mothers that came to this meeting. They reminded me that things in my life could be much worse so I just kept my mouth shut because I felt as if the time spent should be on the other women, not me. I am looking forward to the Pacifica Mother’s group tomorrow!

October 7, 2003: Month Two: Dr. Zaglin: Eleven pounds, seven ounces, 22 ½ inches

Letter from Katie Cappellini:

Karol-Ann, Thanks so much for sharing your journey with breast cancer. I think I cried most of the way through it-not because it was sad, but because you are so amazing. I passed it on to my mother who is also a breast cancer survivor. We did the annual race for the cure and picked up this bandana for you as well as the fun phrases for your fridge. We think of you all often and wished you lived a lot closer. Love, Katie and Tom

Journal Entry, October 12, 2003

I am now thirty-eight and it should feel great…I have a wonderful life, love all around me, a family who sees me, gets me, understands me. It’s okay if people forget my birthday- it’s not the same as when I was a kid. People think about me and that is all that matters- I thank the universe for my check, thank you angels! (Mom, Papa, Bill, Phil, and Nanny) I think that the most important lesson I have learned this past year is setting boundaries- last year I was shortly recovering from a mastectomy and this year I am recovering from pregnancy. I love Michael and I love Michelle!

Birthday Week

My Birthday week has come to an end

I contemplate the past

I wonder about the future

I am grateful for what I have

A new breast

A new baby

A new life

Less Tolerance

I am tired of the baggage

I am in need to create all the boundaries

Sweep away the dysfunction

Breathe in the new, fresh, healthy life

Journal Entry, October 15, 2003

Today I went to my first “play group” and it was so validating! I feel like a new woman and all these cool women were comfortable and sharing the same anxieties and experiences! It was so validating! They all live in Pacifica and that is so cool! Today is a new today for me and for Michelle. I am grateful for my life and beginning to realize that I just might be able to do this new job! I called Stephanie and thanked her again for setting me up with this group. If I had never gone to that post partum depression meeting I would have never met her and I would still be so lonely. Stephanie said she felt she was meant to go to that meeting to meet me. I feel so blessed.

Yes

The sun

The day begins

My hair falls out

My skin slowly flakes

I still have my spirit within

It’s okay to be a little weak

It’s all right that my muscles seem to easily tire

But my heart is constant

The air I breathe is fresh and I carry on to a brand new day

Journal Entry, October 17, 2003

I see a pink ribbon in honor of breast cancer awareness! I also see pink as a significant color to symbolize and represent the presence of my daughter who is very special! When I was much younger my room was decorated in shades of pink, red and rosie wallpaper. I am amazed of how far I have come to this place.

Journal Entry, October 20, 2003: Dr. Milligan’s Annual

As I walked past UCSF on my way to my annual, a wave of emotion came over me. The thought of how well Mike took care of me, when I had all of those surgeries and how he kept me company all summer long. I feel so tired right now as I wait in this waiting room to be examined. My eyes are heavy and I am not sure I will be able to be a Mom and work- how to single parents do this? How am I going to prepare for my classes? How will I ever get my Masters? I am trying not to be stressed out, but I cannot help it and I just got off the phone from Laurie and she is pissed off at me. Michelle had a melt down and nothing could sooth her, but what can I do? I am ten miles away and my doctor hasn’t even seen me yet. There is this fear inside of me and it comes and goes. A fear simply of the unknown and I guess I just need to be more relaxed and trust the universe, my angels and God. My mammogram is scheduled for next week on Halloween!

Michelle’s October Firsts

October 21, 2003: Michelle claps hands

October 22, 2003: Michelle finds her hands

October 24, 2003: Michelle holds her head up

October 28, 2003: Michelle rolls over

Playing Ball

Ball, Ball

Who has the ball?

Who wants to play?

Who wants to stay?

Do I watch, gaze, or participate?

Caution, Caution

Where is your heart

Safely placed

Tucked into my throat

Watch-out

The demons are coming

Help me to release this pain

Boxed Power

Everything I need

I have

Will he reject me again?

Will he hurt my family?

Do I want another unhealthy relationship in my life?

Take it slow

My power has not been taken away

Let me work on forgiveness

I am good

I am a good daughter

I am a good person

Where are the ten years?

Why did I even play by the rules?

Did I lose?

Father’s day Rock, No More

You don’t need this rock anymore

You really don’t need him anymore

What can you do that will give you peace to your soul?

Michelle is my source

Michelle is my reason to be

I am the rock now

October 30, 2003

Dear Dad III

Dear Dad,

Thank you for your letter and thank you for your telephone call. I never thought I would hear from you again in my lifetime so you can imagine my surprise when I received your letter. I am working and have been working on forgiving you for what you did on the day of Mom’s death. In the last ten years I have been learning to accept that whenever someone asks about my Dad it will be difficult to explain. They see me and cannot comprehend a person rejecting me. I am unsure that my opening this door will be healthy for me. For now, I can accept your letter, but I am not ready to forgive you and not sure that I want you in my life again. I don’t know if we will ever have that “Kodak moment.” If you were my best friend and you treated me this way, I would probably not even consider letting you back into my life, so what makes you so special? Just because you have a genetic link to me causes me to feel somewhat obligated to pursue something with you. This may be just my own guilt or my need to prove again to myself that “yes, I am a good person.” Your behavior has contributed to much self doubt in my life as to the goodness of my soul. Granted, I am taking responsibility for my own thoughts and unwinding the mental tapes that play in my head, but you were the one that pushed the record button. I have spent half of my life pressing the erase button over and over again in many unsuccessful relationships in my adult life and I do not know if this will ever totally be erased. It is through many hours of therapy and journaling my fears and doubts that I have discovered that your actions do not define me as an individual. Now, just when I am feeling comfortable sitting in my own skin, you come back in, wanting “something.” Help me to understand why I should let you back in? I need a lot of time to think about what is in the best interest for my family and me.

Journal Entry, October 31, 2003: My Annual Mammogram

Today Michelle, Laurie and myself dressed up and went to my annual mammogram. Michelle was Dorothy, Laurie was Cleopatra, and I was Austin Powers. The receptionist was a teapot and was very nice to us. There were many females in the waiting room and I could feel the tension. My hope was by us being in costume and having a baby on my hip would remind the ladies to keep a positive attitude. As I filled out the annual survey, I practically checked every box- it was surreal. The other amazing surreal moment was when I realized I was still the youngest patient in the waiting room. As I was waiting for my mammogram results, I overheard a woman waiting for her needle biopsy and she sounded nervous. I told her she was in very good hands and that this place is gentle and walk you through every step, giving you the opportunity to breathe and catch up to all the procedural stuff. My mammogram cleared! Yes! I love that they let you know right then! Laurie treated me to a wonderful lunch and spent some more time with me so I could clean up the place and pack. Later that day Michelle, Mike and I drove up to Sonoma to celebrate Halloween with the Jernigens and the Scotts. We had a great time at the dress-up party and spending fun time with our friends. Who would have thought in two years I would be cancer free and toting a baby in my arms?

Michelle’s November Firsts

November 6, 2003: Michelle Reaches for things

November 17, 2003: Michelle’s first cinema film, “Elf”

Journal Entry, November 3, 2003: Six Month Breast Wellness Check-up

Dr. Eder says that everything is good with me! My scar tissue has decreased and wants me to continue with the exercise and massage the scar tissue. Laurie commented that it is obvious that I am valued as a patient. Debbie Hamolsky got to see Michelle too!

Journal Entry, November 4, 2003

Seeing Jonathan today really helped me to get out of the house with Michelle and all of her gear. It is slowly getting easier to bring all of this stuff in the car and to places. Although the drive to the city still seems to stress me out, it is getting easier to do. I am glad that Michelle is gaining more comfort with it too.

Journal Entry, November 8, 2003

In the midst of our ritual birthday phone call to Rob, we found out that Gab’s brother died last week. He possibly had a heart attack, but they are not entirely sure what happened to him. I think everyone is in shock. Mike and I immediately created a beautiful shrine that possesses as many good things to represent Gab and Rob’s family. We both called our families and said how much we loved them and how thankful we are to have them in our lives! This is such a tragedy and so devastating for them that I just wish I could take the pain away. We keep them in our hearts.

Journal Entry, November 11, 2003

My husband and my daughter are fast asleep in our cozy, little bedroom. A room that cannot seem to fit a queen and a crib! All I can think about is January 7^th and how difficult that day is going to be for me. Help! That day already feels like it is coming so near and I hope I just do not break or lose it before then. I just feel so overwhelmed and then there is my Dad…he is really becoming quite a forward in Laurie’s life. I do not know if this will fix things, but I am more terrified of what this means for me! When I heard his voice, my heart melted and this was something that I had not prepared myself for. I guess deep down I have always wanted him to say that he has always loved me and that he has always loved me. He is sincerely sorry and I need to work on forgiving him. My friend Michelle says it takes much more work to hold a grudge than it is to forgive and I tend to agree. I want to forgive, but in my own time. I think it is a little soonish for me to open my arms, it does not feel good just yet, but I have to deal with this now! Laurie can break so easily so I just hope that she has peace as she moves into this temporary, but permanent position in her life. I just need to go to sleep because tomorrow is a new day- thank heaven!

Journal Entry, November 22, 2003

I feel like my hair is too short and my legs are too thick, my hips are too wide, my eyes are too tired. Even though I have been walking a lot, I still feel fat. It must be that I am just tired. We are all in the car on our way to Gavin’s first birthday. Michelle is being a peach!

Journal Entry, November 23, 2003

Michelle was little grumpy today, but she had a very busy week. I should pace myself and slow down so that we can enjoy the process of life. I am a bit wiped out and grateful to have a healthy, happy baby. I am never sad when I am around her.

Journal Entry, November 24, 2003

Now I understand what true anxiety feel like…whenever I speak to someone who suffers from severe stress, I get it now! There are times when I am so afraid of the world or what the world will do to me. Driving is such a challenge for me, yet I do it almost every day- sometimes I just want to stay in my home with my cute, little baby and my moody cats. It would be nice to spend my time writing, reading and watching “Judging Amy.” In my heart, I know that will not make me happy. I am working through this in therapy so that it will be easier to go back to work and prepare for the day I drop Michelle off to day care. My check cleared for the rights for “It’s Probably Nothing” and Mike is helping me with the webpage. Can this project really help? Why am I filled with so much self doubt? Today was a totally spontaneous day. When I was walking, I happen to see Jill and Patty from my Mother’s Playgroup. They invited me to go shopping with them at Stonestown. We shopped, ate lunch, breast fed and had a truly bonding experience. We met up with one of Patty’s friends who also gave birth about a month ago. Then later on in the evening, Billy came by where we had dinner and some ice cream. It was so nice to be able to just talk to him and tell him all my fears and concerns about everything. He was so present and he made me feel good. I am lucky to have him in my life.

Journal Entry, November 25, 2003

Michelle is sitting in her evenflo activity saucer and she looks so content! I am so happy. I love her and I love my husband. I love this family!

November 29, 2003

The Spirit Flies

I saw two butterflies on the same day

Flying in two very different, odd places

I know that my Mom is here

I know that Bill Arnold is near

The spirits always seem to know when to comfort me

If you look for it, many gifts will be revealed to me

Those who love us, I suppose, are always around us…

Journal Entry, December 2, 2003

We both had a bad day today- I allowed my brain to spiral into a frenzy and Mike did not receive a good review about his recent lesson. It does not appear as if Mike is receiving much support from his job. If a door closes then another one seems to open. I hope his spirit is not broken. I asked him to think of what Papa Coleman’s advise might be and he paused for about 30 seconds and said, “To be tougher on the kids.” Papa, look over him.

Journal Entry, December 4, 2003

I just finished feeding Michelle and she is beginning to wake up again in the middle of the night. I guess I am spoiled and I should not complain, but the coolest thing about this time of day is hearing the ocean boldly blast and crash. I am currently reading Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott and boy is it validating! Her words give me such comfort. I pick up the book whenever I have a moment to spare, read a few pages, laugh, cry or share a line with Mike. It’s kind of like eating a truffel from a See’s box- see, Anne Lamott is giving me inspiration to write in similes. Juanita lent it to me and so when I read it, not only does it make me laugh, but its as if Juanita is in the room with me, giving me comfort and whenever Juanita gives me comfort, it always feels like Mom is even closer than ever. I am beginning to realize more and more that everything is connected! I feel normal again. Jinx is head-butting my pen so I should go to sleep now.

December 5, 2003

Freedom

What gives me freedom?

Being able to hear a beat in a melody that no one else can hear, but me

The ocean

The walk along the ocean

The sand and water I can touch, taste, hear

Letting go of all the heavy

And feeling as light as a truffle

Breathing

Crossing off tasks on a list

A clean kitchen

Hot chocolate

Michelle

Michael

Me

Journal Entry, December 8, 2003

Michelle celebrated her four month birthday this weekend! It seems like overnight she has grown heavier and spoken higher. She is so beautiful! When I am with her, nothing else really matters. Everything else in my life seems like it is falling a part. Without Mike, my life would be so much harder! I am worried to death about work and some of my students who are in emotional pain- I can help them, but I cannot solve the issues around them. I seem to get more and more stressed out about all the many things I need to do and not do to keep it together. I feel trapped and alone and smothered all at the same time. Give me my freedom again, at least in my mind. I keep getting sucked into the drama of my life, my past, my Dad, and something has got to give, soon. I hate my own pity-party, why can’t I just be grateful for what I have? Help me please, please.

Some Days

Some days I feel like I am in total control

Other days I feel as if I am falling a part

I worry too much

I cannot get the thoughts out of my mind

I cannot seem to get out

Help me to understand

Help me to let go

Help me to “have more faith”

The feelings of being so overwhelmed

Seems to take over my brain

And my ability to function

It is so tough being a mom

It is so tough being a parent

All the factors and elements

All the responsibility

I embrace it

I just feel like it is just so BIG!

Dad IV

I will let go of the pain

I now understand where many of the challenges come from

Or where the foundation of these challenges stem from

I do not want to play the blame-game

I just want to create a new way of thinking so I can accept it:

1) If I expect the pain, then it is easier for me to accept the pain.

2) My Dad issues will be easier to deal with if I expect and accept that there may be some kind of discomfort related with him and my feelings of inadequacy, abandonment and rejection.

3) If I know that “everything is going to be okay” than I can handle the situation. This feeling did not exist in my memory growing up therefore it is hard to internalize this sense of security.

Month Four Check-up: Dr. Zaglin, December 9, 2003, 16.1pounds, 26 inches

Michelle took four more shots in the rear and barely cried. She is such a good girl! She is growing like a weed! Dr. Zaglin gave instructions about flying with Michelle when we go to New York next week. Dr. Zaglin commented that Michelle is looking great and feels that she will thrive in daycare. When I mentioned Picolini’s, his face lit up and said that many of his patients go there and that we are in very good hands.

Michelle’s December firsts

December 13, 2003: Michelle eats her first solid foods

December 17, 2003: Michelle flies on her first airplane to New York

Journal Entry, December 13, 2003

A mellow day, but full of little projects. I tried to get Michelle into some kind of napping, sleeping crib association, but it was a tough sell. Make stayed home and made dinner. Overall, a good productive day.

Journal Entry, December 19, 2003

Mike, Michelle and I arrived in New York without a hitch! Michelle slept in Mike’s arms the whole way to New York and the crew on Jet Blue were fabulous! I tend to worry too much if I am picking Michelle up too much or too little. I am grateful for so many things in my life! I thank the universe and all the angels for watching over us and helping us through yet another year. We are all doing so well! Mike is excited about his paternity leave. I am slowly getting ready to get back into work! Everything will be fine…just different! Adriana Schuler looked at my transcripts and determined that I am one class away from getting my Masters in Special Education! Yes! Thank you!

Journal Entry, December 20, 2003

Today was very low key, but we managed to sleep in until 10:00! Michelle slept until six! We had egg, bacon and cheese sandwiches with a coffee regular. We shipped of some packages, had a brief visit with Anne, Brian, Kevin, and Daniel. Tom and I walked to the newly remodeled Harbor Deli. I fed Michelle and then she fell asleep. Laurie called and said she would be able to pick us up at the airport. Mama Coleman made her way to church and now we are watching the Minnesota vs. Kansas game. Anne said I looked great despite my fat jeans and oversized T-shirt. Although I am still 165 I am slowly getting back into shape. My appetite hasn’t really decreased all that much, but I am happy and that is all that matters. “I would be good even if I gained ten pounds.” The internal beauty is there, I just need to find it again.

Grateful

I am grateful to be here

I am grateful to have a chance to be me

I am grateful to be cancer-free

Things happen for a reason and I am happy to be me

People say what a good baby she it

And I am grateful

I am lucky

We are lucky and fortunate

She is loving

Accepting

Happy, truly happy

It is all so close

My eyes are growing

I am grateful for all I can see

Journal Entry, December 24, 2003

What a busy day! A busy week and its only Wednesday! Michelle and I enjoyed another playgroup date with Jill, Hudson, Stephanie, Travis, Lisa, Lauren and Madison! I am going to miss these incredibly supportive people every week. Do I have to back to work in a couple of weeks? I am not sure my body is ready, but I have faith that some part of me will be ready. Mike made an amazing, delicious meal and once again we were reminded of how lucky we are to have all that we possess. Laurie, Jonathan, and Steven Fernandez came over where we had a nice meal, exchanged creative, thoughtful gifts, and danced to Prince. We do not need much to have a good time.

Journal Entry, December 25, 2003

Happy Christmas! What a great moment in our lives to share Michelle’s first Christmas! Mike did such a great job helping Santa give Michelle special, unique gifts. This was our first Christmas together in Pacifica and it was great waking up in our own bed, our own home, with our new family. Michelle is truly a miracle and has made this year probably the best year of our lives! We are off to visit the Pach Family in Sacramento and then a warm snuggle watching “Freaky Friday.” This movie just came out on DVD and has such significance because this came out on the day Michelle came into this world.

Journal Entry, December 29, 2003

It has been about two weeks since we moved the bed into the living room and converted the bedroom into the official nursery. We all seem to be sleeping better and longer. Michelle slept for a long stretch last night (9:30 – 6:30). It seems like every day there is a new discovery with Michelle! It seems like just yesterday she was smiling for the very first time, now she talks, and rolls, kicks, sings and even crawls. She is developing even faster than I can truly perceive! I am just trying to drink it all in because I know in the next moment, she’ll be getting ready for the prom! She is more alert than ever and she loves sucking on her toes. She is a human rubber band- I cannot believe how flexible she is! It has been so nice having Mike around this last week. It gives such a new meaning to true partnership! I have a renewed respect for the single parents in the world! How difficult it must be to raise children alone! Mike has been very helpful in making me feel more comfortable about going back to work. I know that I have options and choices. I am feeling less anxious and more eager about my job because I am trying to focus on the fun aspects of my job and not the stresses. Once again, attitude is everything. Mike has offered to be the first to drop Michelle off at daycare…that is really going to help me. We are also going to try to carpool every day so that we all start our day together and end our day together. Michelle appears to love the rain and wind as long as we are inside. These windows make the storm appear like a live painting or a Baraka film. Michelle is laughing at me and responds to my questions. I think she really understands what I am saying. She gives us so much joy, so much love. Both Mike and I never realized how much love we would have for this amazing human being! This love is so amazing.

Journal Entry, December 31, 2003

“Three is the magic number, three is magic number…” This has to be the best year of our lives! I went to my last Mother’s/Michelle’s playgroup and it was sweet! We had mimosas and coffee! Then I went over to Laurie’s to help her with her room and space management. That took much longer than I had anticipated, but I made it home by 6pm. We had eggplant Parmesan and salad then we started to watch “Lord of the Rings!” Mike fell asleep at ten and I just finished feeding Michelle. She is sleeping too. Here I am in the midst of celebrating the New Year alone, but I have everything I need at my fingertips. I am so happy! Here’s to continued health in 2004!