The DCIS Journey Begins...
October 23, 2001: Annual Check-up
October 23, 2001: Annual Check-up
Every year I make sure I have a full exam around my birthday. This year I
was especially concerned about my gradual weight gain and wanted to check
from every angle like my thyroid, cholesterol, and digestive tract. This year
would change my life because of the insistence of also creating a baseline
for my very first mammogram. My primary doctor said there was no rush, but since cancer does exist in my family, I said, “Yeah, let’s do it.”
October 25, 2001: Blood Tests and First Mammogram
Two days later I returned to the doctor’s office where I had blood work done and mentally prepared myself for my very first mammogram. Before the assistant started the procedure, she told me that I may get an abnormal mammogram and that I may be called to return, but not to worry because it is common to have abnormal readings. She told me not to worry about that possibility because, “it’s probably nothing anyway.” So the assistant noticed how nervous I was and she gingerly walked me through each step, the right breast, then and the left breast. Each time she took a picture of my breast, I held my breath, looked down at my chest and waited for the signal to relax. I looked at my chest intensely. What was once a voluptuous breast was now smashed so hard in a plastic vise that it looked like a flat pancake. I had no chest and suddenly felt overly self-conscious about my breasts. The nurse told me that because I was fairly busty I should not feel as much discomfort as a small-breasted woman. I was unsure if that comment was supposed to make me feel better, but I think she was trying to help me to relax. After the mammogram ritual, I felt relieved that I had created a baseline for my medical file and I was being a true advocate of my health. I figured I did not
October 25, 2001: Blood Tests and First Mammogram
Two days later I returned to the doctor’s office where I had blood work done and mentally prepared myself for my very first mammogram. Before the assistant started the procedure, she told me that I may get an abnormal mammogram and that I may be called to return, but not to worry because it is common to have abnormal readings. She told me not to worry about that possibility because, “it’s probably nothing anyway.” So the assistant noticed how nervous I was and she gingerly walked me through each step, the right breast, then and the left breast. Each time she took a picture of my breast, I held my breath, looked down at my chest and waited for the signal to relax. I looked at my chest intensely. What was once a voluptuous breast was now smashed so hard in a plastic vise that it looked like a flat pancake. I had no chest and suddenly felt overly self-conscious about my breasts. The nurse told me that because I was fairly busty I should not feel as much discomfort as a small-breasted woman. I was unsure if that comment was supposed to make me feel better, but I think she was trying to help me to relax. After the mammogram ritual, I felt relieved that I had created a baseline for my medical file and I was being a true advocate of my health. I figured I did not
have to return until I was forty years old.
October 27, 2001: Test Results
I received a telephone call from my doctor with the results of my blood work and my mammogram. My doctor told me that my cholesterol was good. I had no thyroid imbalances and show no indications of irritable bowel syndrome. I had regulated my diet and already lost three pounds and my doctor was not surprised. However, she said that my mammogram did come back abnormal and they wanted to do a spot compression of my right breast. I thought to myself, “That’s the larger of the two” and my heart sank as I envisioned myself receiving chemotherapy and losing all my hair. My doctor assured me that this is routine and that the spot compression results “will probably be nothing.”
October 31, 2001: Spot Compression
I arrived early in the day at the breast care center to discover every staff member was dressed in costume. I was very nervous about the spot compression because I could not imagine the possibility of my breast becoming flatter than the first visit. A spot compression is a more magnified look of the abnormality and requires more magnification. A full figured lady with a strong accent greeted me and showed me into the next room where I could change into a gown. She wore an Uncle Sam hat, blue pants and a huge white tee shirt that had a silk-screened stars and stripes bikini.
October 27, 2001: Test Results
I received a telephone call from my doctor with the results of my blood work and my mammogram. My doctor told me that my cholesterol was good. I had no thyroid imbalances and show no indications of irritable bowel syndrome. I had regulated my diet and already lost three pounds and my doctor was not surprised. However, she said that my mammogram did come back abnormal and they wanted to do a spot compression of my right breast. I thought to myself, “That’s the larger of the two” and my heart sank as I envisioned myself receiving chemotherapy and losing all my hair. My doctor assured me that this is routine and that the spot compression results “will probably be nothing.”
October 31, 2001: Spot Compression
I arrived early in the day at the breast care center to discover every staff member was dressed in costume. I was very nervous about the spot compression because I could not imagine the possibility of my breast becoming flatter than the first visit. A spot compression is a more magnified look of the abnormality and requires more magnification. A full figured lady with a strong accent greeted me and showed me into the next room where I could change into a gown. She wore an Uncle Sam hat, blue pants and a huge white tee shirt that had a silk-screened stars and stripes bikini.
Journal Entry, October 31, 2001
My spot compression was on this spooky, scary, day. I went in to this office on the second floor of the UCSF Medical Center, The Cancer Center. I don’t have cancer, do I? I met a receptionist dressed up in a pig costume. She greeted me with a half-smile and gave me some forms to fill out. I looked around me and I saw a neatly groomed, middle-aged woman who appeared calm and confident. I saw two other ladies a little older than me who looked nervous and anxious. I thought it was sweet that the two ladies were clearly supporting each other. When they called my name I walked into another room where I was escorted in an examination room decorated with sunflowers, including a paper bra where each flower represented a breast.
The woman who brought me into this brightly lit room was dressed patriotically in the traditional stars and stripes. Every time she walked in the room she was professional and kind, but every time she left the room I could hear her and her other employees laughing in the hallway about their costumes. Her sudden change in behavior made me feel very disconnected and a deep sense of loneliness.
What was I doing here alone? I started to miss my Mom and tears started to flow down my cheeks. I then thought to myself, “Why am I crying? What would Mom say if she were here right now?” And at that moment, I realized that she was with me and that she would say something like this, “I had a close scare when I was in my thirties, remember I discovered a lump in my breast and I was really scared?”
I started to feel incredibly alone and decided that I don’t need to go through this experience alone. After my spot compression experience, I had lunch with Jonathan and he made me feel much better. We both talked about the physical absence of our Mothers. It helped to talk to each other about the loneliness. It helped to talk to Jonathan in the middle of such a heavy, heavy day!
My spot compression was on this spooky, scary, day. I went in to this office on the second floor of the UCSF Medical Center, The Cancer Center. I don’t have cancer, do I? I met a receptionist dressed up in a pig costume. She greeted me with a half-smile and gave me some forms to fill out. I looked around me and I saw a neatly groomed, middle-aged woman who appeared calm and confident. I saw two other ladies a little older than me who looked nervous and anxious. I thought it was sweet that the two ladies were clearly supporting each other. When they called my name I walked into another room where I was escorted in an examination room decorated with sunflowers, including a paper bra where each flower represented a breast.
The woman who brought me into this brightly lit room was dressed patriotically in the traditional stars and stripes. Every time she walked in the room she was professional and kind, but every time she left the room I could hear her and her other employees laughing in the hallway about their costumes. Her sudden change in behavior made me feel very disconnected and a deep sense of loneliness.
What was I doing here alone? I started to miss my Mom and tears started to flow down my cheeks. I then thought to myself, “Why am I crying? What would Mom say if she were here right now?” And at that moment, I realized that she was with me and that she would say something like this, “I had a close scare when I was in my thirties, remember I discovered a lump in my breast and I was really scared?”
I started to feel incredibly alone and decided that I don’t need to go through this experience alone. After my spot compression experience, I had lunch with Jonathan and he made me feel much better. We both talked about the physical absence of our Mothers. It helped to talk to each other about the loneliness. It helped to talk to Jonathan in the middle of such a heavy, heavy day!
Journal Entry, November 14, 2001
Today I spent the whole day in a doctor’s office. Mike came with me and it really helped. The spot they detected in my right breast is something the doctor does want to keep an eye on, but would like to avoid using a needle biopsy because its so close to the nipple- so she said, “Let’s see if we can get an MRI instead or have our radiologist specialist look at the slides again and determine if we need to get a biopsy or not- but I want you to really try to have a nice holiday- you must not worry about these results- if you don’t hear from me the week after Thanksgiving, then give me a call.” This doctor eased my mind and made me feel better about this mammogram and Hase (my husband) was a Saint.
His presence made me so strong. I am so grateful for my life.
Today I spent the whole day in a doctor’s office. Mike came with me and it really helped. The spot they detected in my right breast is something the doctor does want to keep an eye on, but would like to avoid using a needle biopsy because its so close to the nipple- so she said, “Let’s see if we can get an MRI instead or have our radiologist specialist look at the slides again and determine if we need to get a biopsy or not- but I want you to really try to have a nice holiday- you must not worry about these results- if you don’t hear from me the week after Thanksgiving, then give me a call.” This doctor eased my mind and made me feel better about this mammogram and Hase (my husband) was a Saint.
His presence made me so strong. I am so grateful for my life.
My San Francisco State Fall Classes:
As I tried very hard to be sensible about the possibility that this spot compression was really nothing to worry about, I found myself sitting in my university classes trying to focus on the educational lectures and discussions.
I had great difficulty in finding the importance of listening, participating and even being present in these classes. I felt at one point that I was really wasting my time on reading these articles, taking midterms and completing several group projects.
Things in my life felt as if they were shifting slowly and quickly.
Slowly, I was allowing this small worry to come into my life and quickly I was realizing that I needed to take my tasks one hour at a time, one day at a time, and one week at a time.
I decided to explain a little of what I was going through with my professors so they would not think that I was a flake because I knew I was not performing at the same academic level as I usually do. To my surprise, my professors were very understanding.
November 22, 2001: Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was spent with Stephie and Phill in Pacifica. It was a beautiful day and we were grateful that we could spend a relaxing day in the comfort of our home. We went to Dorrington the following day where we spent the weekend with Michelle, Pete, Gabrielle and Rob. One evening we decided to play in the snow at night and Mike and I bonked each other pretty bad on a sled. It felt as if I had lost my two front teeth...there was a lot of blood and pain. Then Rob and Gab did the same thing, only Gab had to go to the emergency room and get her lip stitched up. After a slow recovery of a fat lip I managed to find some spare time to catch up on all of my schoolwork in my San Francisco State classes. These events were all good distractions to keep my busy and my mind off the telephone call from the Breast Center.
As I tried very hard to be sensible about the possibility that this spot compression was really nothing to worry about, I found myself sitting in my university classes trying to focus on the educational lectures and discussions.
I had great difficulty in finding the importance of listening, participating and even being present in these classes. I felt at one point that I was really wasting my time on reading these articles, taking midterms and completing several group projects.
Things in my life felt as if they were shifting slowly and quickly.
Slowly, I was allowing this small worry to come into my life and quickly I was realizing that I needed to take my tasks one hour at a time, one day at a time, and one week at a time.
I decided to explain a little of what I was going through with my professors so they would not think that I was a flake because I knew I was not performing at the same academic level as I usually do. To my surprise, my professors were very understanding.
November 22, 2001: Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was spent with Stephie and Phill in Pacifica. It was a beautiful day and we were grateful that we could spend a relaxing day in the comfort of our home. We went to Dorrington the following day where we spent the weekend with Michelle, Pete, Gabrielle and Rob. One evening we decided to play in the snow at night and Mike and I bonked each other pretty bad on a sled. It felt as if I had lost my two front teeth...there was a lot of blood and pain. Then Rob and Gab did the same thing, only Gab had to go to the emergency room and get her lip stitched up. After a slow recovery of a fat lip I managed to find some spare time to catch up on all of my schoolwork in my San Francisco State classes. These events were all good distractions to keep my busy and my mind off the telephone call from the Breast Center.
December 6, 2001
A week after Thanksgiving had come and gone and I had not yet received the second opinion about my spot compression. A colleague assured me, “Usually when they don’t call back it means it’s probably nothing to worry about.” I kept this in my mind and felt better about the fact that no one from the Breast Center had called. That evening Mama Coleman called and said, “Well, it’s been two weeks, have you heard anything yet?” Her curiosity prompted me to call the following day.
December 7, 2001: Results from the Radiologist
The doctor from the Breast Center called me back and told me about the results of the second opinion. The radiologist believed that the calcifications in my breast would suggest that I have a 40% chance that it could be DCIS(ductal carcinoma in situ) and 60% that it is benign. They wanted to do a surgical procedure after December to determine the consistency of the questionable area. The needle biopsy would be able to solve the mystery of the 40/60% question. If the calcifications were DCIS, the surgeon was confident the surgery would be successful with clean margins. At this point, a mastectomy is out of the question. My surgery date was then scheduled for January 22, 2002. My heart sank. This date had even more significance because this was the day my Mom died in 1993 and the same day of Papa Coleman’s birthday. Telling People:
A week after Thanksgiving had come and gone and I had not yet received the second opinion about my spot compression. A colleague assured me, “Usually when they don’t call back it means it’s probably nothing to worry about.” I kept this in my mind and felt better about the fact that no one from the Breast Center had called. That evening Mama Coleman called and said, “Well, it’s been two weeks, have you heard anything yet?” Her curiosity prompted me to call the following day.
December 7, 2001: Results from the Radiologist
The doctor from the Breast Center called me back and told me about the results of the second opinion. The radiologist believed that the calcifications in my breast would suggest that I have a 40% chance that it could be DCIS(ductal carcinoma in situ) and 60% that it is benign. They wanted to do a surgical procedure after December to determine the consistency of the questionable area. The needle biopsy would be able to solve the mystery of the 40/60% question. If the calcifications were DCIS, the surgeon was confident the surgery would be successful with clean margins. At this point, a mastectomy is out of the question. My surgery date was then scheduled for January 22, 2002. My heart sank. This date had even more significance because this was the day my Mom died in 1993 and the same day of Papa Coleman’s birthday. Telling People:
This was the hardest for me to deal with because I did not want to
worry people or become a drama queen. I called my brother, sister and
Mama Coleman first and tried very hard to minimize the degree of fear in
my voice. I was holding on to the 60% benign factor because part of me just
could not believe that this could be happening to me.
After my difficult phone calls, I went on line and did as much research as I could on “needle biopsies.” I then called my biopsy veteran, Carol Copsey, to ease my mind that it probably is nothing to worry about. Carol told me she had several biopsies that all turned out to be benign. She recommended a book for me that would assist with my doubts and fears and to find out more information on DCIS written by Dr. Susan Love. “But what if it is the 40%? What am I going to do?” I was in a state of shock. The next day I decided to tell the Principal at my job because I knew that I would need to take some time off during school hours for doctor appointments and the biopsy. He was great in supporting any thing I needed to do to get better and saddened that I had to deal with this challenge. Then I decided to share this news with my students. I was very honest with them and they were very forthcoming with their questions and concerns.
December 10, 2001
After my difficult phone calls, I went on line and did as much research as I could on “needle biopsies.” I then called my biopsy veteran, Carol Copsey, to ease my mind that it probably is nothing to worry about. Carol told me she had several biopsies that all turned out to be benign. She recommended a book for me that would assist with my doubts and fears and to find out more information on DCIS written by Dr. Susan Love. “But what if it is the 40%? What am I going to do?” I was in a state of shock. The next day I decided to tell the Principal at my job because I knew that I would need to take some time off during school hours for doctor appointments and the biopsy. He was great in supporting any thing I needed to do to get better and saddened that I had to deal with this challenge. Then I decided to share this news with my students. I was very honest with them and they were very forthcoming with their questions and concerns.
December 10, 2001
This week consisted of telling extended family and friends about the scary
possibilities of my health. This week was also my intense week of finals at
San Francisco State and getting ready for my trip to New York. Staying
busy really helped me to wrap this new experience around my head and
keeping a positive attitude.
Journal Entry, January 1, 2002
Since September 11, 2001, people have been a little kinder and more sensitive to kindness and values. My hopeful prediction will be that people will maintain their kindness. Mike said he hopes that people will not be as fearful as they have been in the past months. I hope to get my Masters this next year and not take things so personal (an ongoing mantra for me). I want to try to live in the moment so that I am not living in the past or living in the future. We are all healing, people close to me, especially Mike’s family. How powerful it was to spend a week in New York and visit family and friends.
Journal Entry, January 1, 2002
Since September 11, 2001, people have been a little kinder and more sensitive to kindness and values. My hopeful prediction will be that people will maintain their kindness. Mike said he hopes that people will not be as fearful as they have been in the past months. I hope to get my Masters this next year and not take things so personal (an ongoing mantra for me). I want to try to live in the moment so that I am not living in the past or living in the future. We are all healing, people close to me, especially Mike’s family. How powerful it was to spend a week in New York and visit family and friends.
Journal Entry, January 7, 2002
I went on the computer to figure out an ideal weight for me. I am somewhat in danger of being considered over weight. Currently I am 160 pounds and my hope is to get back down again, if I continue to exercise. I think that is really the key- I release all my doubts and fears and I will prevail. The diagnostic claimed that I should be 135 pounds- and given a pound a week, I could lose this weight by February in about 12 weeks- so we shall see. I prefer the doctor’s suggestion of 140- that helps take off a little pressure.
January 13, 2002
I woke up with a bad cold on Wednesday 1/9 and was sick until 1/15. Then Mike got really sick the following week. I think a lot of this was related to the stress about the outcome of the surgery.
I went on the computer to figure out an ideal weight for me. I am somewhat in danger of being considered over weight. Currently I am 160 pounds and my hope is to get back down again, if I continue to exercise. I think that is really the key- I release all my doubts and fears and I will prevail. The diagnostic claimed that I should be 135 pounds- and given a pound a week, I could lose this weight by February in about 12 weeks- so we shall see. I prefer the doctor’s suggestion of 140- that helps take off a little pressure.
January 13, 2002
I woke up with a bad cold on Wednesday 1/9 and was sick until 1/15. Then Mike got really sick the following week. I think a lot of this was related to the stress about the outcome of the surgery.
January 16, 2002: Pre-op Examination for Biopsy
Mike called in sick and I worked half a day and went to my pre-operative examination with Dr. Yang. He said I was a healthy young woman besides this biopsy. He said my EKG checked out and suggested that I consider going off the birth control pill. He wished me luck with the biopsy.
January 18, 2002: Pre-Op Registration at UCSF for Needle Biopsy
I worked half a day again to do registration and pre-operative distribution at UCSF hospital. This orientation took two hours to complete. The nurse took all my vital signs and weight. She told me when to arrive, where to arrive, and what to expect. This procedure would have two phases to it. First I would have to arrive at the Breast Center where they would place a three-pronged needle in my right breast. Then they would transfer me to the third floor operating room where they would perform the biopsy. I felt I was in good hands and that I would be getting the best possible care. In the past, I had other “Lauras” to help me with difficult journeys. One Laura was my Mom, another Laura was my massage teacher and the Laura at work was very instrumental in arranging classroom supervisions and her prayers. Now I had another Laura come into my life to help me with my DCIS journey. January 21, 2002
Martin Luther King’s holiday was spent on mentally preparing myself for this surgery. My sister came over to help me pack things that would give me
Mike called in sick and I worked half a day and went to my pre-operative examination with Dr. Yang. He said I was a healthy young woman besides this biopsy. He said my EKG checked out and suggested that I consider going off the birth control pill. He wished me luck with the biopsy.
January 18, 2002: Pre-Op Registration at UCSF for Needle Biopsy
I worked half a day again to do registration and pre-operative distribution at UCSF hospital. This orientation took two hours to complete. The nurse took all my vital signs and weight. She told me when to arrive, where to arrive, and what to expect. This procedure would have two phases to it. First I would have to arrive at the Breast Center where they would place a three-pronged needle in my right breast. Then they would transfer me to the third floor operating room where they would perform the biopsy. I felt I was in good hands and that I would be getting the best possible care. In the past, I had other “Lauras” to help me with difficult journeys. One Laura was my Mom, another Laura was my massage teacher and the Laura at work was very instrumental in arranging classroom supervisions and her prayers. Now I had another Laura come into my life to help me with my DCIS journey. January 21, 2002
Martin Luther King’s holiday was spent on mentally preparing myself for this surgery. My sister came over to help me pack things that would give me
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comfort and she also took some time off to take care of me during recovery.
Laurie and her dog, Rocky, spent the night so that in the morning we could
all go to the hospital together.
January 22, 2002: Needle Biopsy Surgery
My sister took over the journal duties so that the surgery would be documented.
Narrative key: “Hase” is the term of endearment that Mike and I call each other. It means “little, baby bunny” in German. “Fan” or “Fanny” is the name Laurie calls me. “Rocky” is Laurie’s dog. 6:00am-Up and Adam! Rocky’s tail as the alarm clock.
7:00-El Camino High School- Mike drops off his lesson plans
7:10-Took the “special road”, beautiful view of the ocean, to the hospital. 8:10-Parked car, Jay walked and did not get a ticket.
8:20-Breast Center at Mount Zion
8:25-Fan goes in for “wire-tap”. The lady, Nancy, was nice and wore lots of bracelets. (She was also the nurse who conducted my very first mammogram.)
8:26-Mike gets us some coffee. We both agree that Dick Chaney is aging and George must of hired a major public relations person since the “We’re going to smok’em out” speech.
8:30-Phoned Billy about the first part of the surgery.
all go to the hospital together.
January 22, 2002: Needle Biopsy Surgery
My sister took over the journal duties so that the surgery would be documented.
Narrative key: “Hase” is the term of endearment that Mike and I call each other. It means “little, baby bunny” in German. “Fan” or “Fanny” is the name Laurie calls me. “Rocky” is Laurie’s dog. 6:00am-Up and Adam! Rocky’s tail as the alarm clock.
7:00-El Camino High School- Mike drops off his lesson plans
7:10-Took the “special road”, beautiful view of the ocean, to the hospital. 8:10-Parked car, Jay walked and did not get a ticket.
8:20-Breast Center at Mount Zion
8:25-Fan goes in for “wire-tap”. The lady, Nancy, was nice and wore lots of bracelets. (She was also the nurse who conducted my very first mammogram.)
8:26-Mike gets us some coffee. We both agree that Dick Chaney is aging and George must of hired a major public relations person since the “We’re going to smok’em out” speech.
8:30-Phoned Billy about the first part of the surgery.
9:30-Fan “ready for surgery.”
9:31-Go to her room A323 and change gowns. Nurse tells her to put on special nylons, but does not say why.
9:35-9:37-Nurse asked what she wanted for dinner to distract her and then put in the IV-ouch!
9:40-The anesthesiologists, Dr. Woo and Dr. Shapiro, came in reviewing medical history, tonsillectomy, 1968, Otitis Media, 1971- decided on “MAC” level. I was answering all of Fan’s medical history questions. 10:10-Power prayer, Papa Coleman, Mom, Nanny, Willy. We asked her which Power Puff girl she was and she said, “Buttercup!”
10:15-The anesthesiologists told us to say what we wanted to say now because she would be injected with the benzodiazapine. We said we loved her and helped move the gurney saying, “Hang on to your hats and glasses because this is the wildest ride in the west.” The doctors and nurses were laughing and talking. We walked as far as we could saying, “We love you Hase/Honey.” Then we knew the gas was working as we could hear her say, “Everyone is so nice here.”
10:16-Found the waiting room with TV in A325, but several people reading- they were cool about us turning on the tube. Laurie went on a search rescue for a diet Pepsi and ended up somewhere where she shouldn’t. The special elevator that was the size of a coffin was the scariest. Anyway, she found
9:31-Go to her room A323 and change gowns. Nurse tells her to put on special nylons, but does not say why.
9:35-9:37-Nurse asked what she wanted for dinner to distract her and then put in the IV-ouch!
9:40-The anesthesiologists, Dr. Woo and Dr. Shapiro, came in reviewing medical history, tonsillectomy, 1968, Otitis Media, 1971- decided on “MAC” level. I was answering all of Fan’s medical history questions. 10:10-Power prayer, Papa Coleman, Mom, Nanny, Willy. We asked her which Power Puff girl she was and she said, “Buttercup!”
10:15-The anesthesiologists told us to say what we wanted to say now because she would be injected with the benzodiazapine. We said we loved her and helped move the gurney saying, “Hang on to your hats and glasses because this is the wildest ride in the west.” The doctors and nurses were laughing and talking. We walked as far as we could saying, “We love you Hase/Honey.” Then we knew the gas was working as we could hear her say, “Everyone is so nice here.”
10:16-Found the waiting room with TV in A325, but several people reading- they were cool about us turning on the tube. Laurie went on a search rescue for a diet Pepsi and ended up somewhere where she shouldn’t. The special elevator that was the size of a coffin was the scariest. Anyway, she found
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her way back to Mike where he was reading an article about September 11th.
Called Billy and said that Fan was in surgery now.
11:45-The RN, Bergette Ackerson, with a German accent said, “Went fine! Dr. Esserman will out.” The surgery was only half an hour. They’re check post-op mammography (imaging).
11:52-Dr. Esserman reminded us that this is not invasive cancer, but there was some duct discharge. She will call us by Friday and confirm what this spot (calcifications) really is before taking any more out. The doctor was about 50% sure it was DCIS and that the possibility of breast-feeding might be jeopardized. She tried not to change the shape and contour or the nipple. If the numbers are high, the doctor can go in again and it’s totally fixable, but we’re just at 50% that this is DCIS until Friday. Karol-Ann would be out in about forty-five minutes.
11:55-We hugged and smiled and said, “Whew-hew, Lunch and the green box! Dr. Esserman rocks!
12:00pm-“She’s a chatty little bunny” said Dr. Esserman. “She’ll be out in a half hour-she’s doing well, alert, alive! She’s funny and cracking jokes.” After seeing Fan from a distance I decide that she has the same forehead as Billy. Of course, they shut the curtain.
12:10-“How is she doing?” said Jenna, the sock nurse. She put her arm around Laurie and said, “Good, good, me worry, tank Got.”
Called Billy and said that Fan was in surgery now.
11:45-The RN, Bergette Ackerson, with a German accent said, “Went fine! Dr. Esserman will out.” The surgery was only half an hour. They’re check post-op mammography (imaging).
11:52-Dr. Esserman reminded us that this is not invasive cancer, but there was some duct discharge. She will call us by Friday and confirm what this spot (calcifications) really is before taking any more out. The doctor was about 50% sure it was DCIS and that the possibility of breast-feeding might be jeopardized. She tried not to change the shape and contour or the nipple. If the numbers are high, the doctor can go in again and it’s totally fixable, but we’re just at 50% that this is DCIS until Friday. Karol-Ann would be out in about forty-five minutes.
11:55-We hugged and smiled and said, “Whew-hew, Lunch and the green box! Dr. Esserman rocks!
12:00pm-“She’s a chatty little bunny” said Dr. Esserman. “She’ll be out in a half hour-she’s doing well, alert, alive! She’s funny and cracking jokes.” After seeing Fan from a distance I decide that she has the same forehead as Billy. Of course, they shut the curtain.
12:10-“How is she doing?” said Jenna, the sock nurse. She put her arm around Laurie and said, “Good, good, me worry, tank Got.”
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12:15-That Walker kid is on the news. He’s returning to the U.S. Why not
keep him there for cripe’s sake?
12:38-No Fan??
12:42-Out of surgery in post op room. I called Billy with the information. I left the message with his secretary so he knows.
12:45-Information lady left for the day, she also did not allow any food or soda in the waiting room. Amy, a wonderful nurse, was in post-op with Fan. I called South City people. Laura Casanova said, “Give her a big hug for me!! Thank God, I was praying for her.”
1:10-Information on post-op pain. Pain scale is currently a three with an ice pack.
1:30-Pain is now a six! She was given vicadin.
1:40-Had some crackers.
2:00-Took 400mg of ibuprofen. Not to exceed 600-800mg.
3:00-Lunch stop at sandwich shop, ordered it to go.
3:30-Took special road back home.
4:00-Home! Took another vicadin and put Fan to sleep.
7:00-Billy came over to visit Fan who is in good spirits.
keep him there for cripe’s sake?
12:38-No Fan??
12:42-Out of surgery in post op room. I called Billy with the information. I left the message with his secretary so he knows.
12:45-Information lady left for the day, she also did not allow any food or soda in the waiting room. Amy, a wonderful nurse, was in post-op with Fan. I called South City people. Laura Casanova said, “Give her a big hug for me!! Thank God, I was praying for her.”
1:10-Information on post-op pain. Pain scale is currently a three with an ice pack.
1:30-Pain is now a six! She was given vicadin.
1:40-Had some crackers.
2:00-Took 400mg of ibuprofen. Not to exceed 600-800mg.
3:00-Lunch stop at sandwich shop, ordered it to go.
3:30-Took special road back home.
4:00-Home! Took another vicadin and put Fan to sleep.
7:00-Billy came over to visit Fan who is in good spirits.
January 23, 2002: Recovery of Biopsy Reflection
Overall, I had a good recovery day. My sister stayed with me and made sure that I took my pills on time and prepared my meals. We watched “Sex and the City” and that seems to be the best medicine.
January 24, 2002: Infection Alert
At approximately 3:40pm I had a temperature of 99.9 and my breast was discolored. We called the doctor and she asked how fast we could get to the Breast Center. We got there in thirty minutes. The doctor discovered that I had developed an infection and she needed to put me on antibiotics.
January 25, 2002: Emergency Room
After lunch, at about 2:00pm, my heart started to feel very painful. My sister called the doctor with my symptoms. It felt like I was having a heart attack, but my sister feared that a blood clot had moved to my heart due to some complications. I had recalled a nurse saying the surgical nylons were to prevent blood clots and so the thought of a blood clot put panic and fear in my mind. I panicked, my sister panicked and I scared my husband and my whole family to death. Mike was at work so he met us at the emergency room. I called Helene to help me to calm down and she was very helpful. Six hours later of blood tests, vital signs, and several thorough examinations, we discovered that I had a severe case of heartburn.
Overall, I had a good recovery day. My sister stayed with me and made sure that I took my pills on time and prepared my meals. We watched “Sex and the City” and that seems to be the best medicine.
January 24, 2002: Infection Alert
At approximately 3:40pm I had a temperature of 99.9 and my breast was discolored. We called the doctor and she asked how fast we could get to the Breast Center. We got there in thirty minutes. The doctor discovered that I had developed an infection and she needed to put me on antibiotics.
January 25, 2002: Emergency Room
After lunch, at about 2:00pm, my heart started to feel very painful. My sister called the doctor with my symptoms. It felt like I was having a heart attack, but my sister feared that a blood clot had moved to my heart due to some complications. I had recalled a nurse saying the surgical nylons were to prevent blood clots and so the thought of a blood clot put panic and fear in my mind. I panicked, my sister panicked and I scared my husband and my whole family to death. Mike was at work so he met us at the emergency room. I called Helene to help me to calm down and she was very helpful. Six hours later of blood tests, vital signs, and several thorough examinations, we discovered that I had a severe case of heartburn.
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Veronica Shim, Dr. Esserman’s surgical fellow, met us at the
emergency room and gave me the results of my biopsy. The calcifications
did indicate that I did have DCIS and they would have to do another surgical
procedure to get all of the cells out. In addition to this news, they did not
think that I could breast feed from that breast. I felt a great sense of relief
that I wasn’t having a heart attack and at the same time a heightened sense of
anxiety and sadness about having to go through another surgical procedure
and not being able to breast feed a child that is not even created. I started to
weep. Both Mike and Veronica touched me and held my hands and assured
me that this was not the end of the world. Deep inside I knew this was true,
but I was just having a really bad day. As we exited the emergency room,
my poor sister had been waiting out in the waiting room for nearly six hours,
so her fears escalated. When she saw the expression on our faces, she knew
that what Veronica said was not good news. We told Laurie to meet us back
at home and we would explain everything. This scared her more, but we just
wanted to get everyone home so we could de-stress and explain the details to
everyone at the same time.
My brother and sister-in-law, thinking I was having a heart attack,
were on their way from San Jose to check on my health. This is when my family had a melt down. We ordered dinner and all sat at the table very quietly. As Mike tried to explain what had happened, Bill was frustrated at
everyone at the same time.
My brother and sister-in-law, thinking I was having a heart attack,
were on their way from San Jose to check on my health. This is when my family had a melt down. We ordered dinner and all sat at the table very quietly. As Mike tried to explain what had happened, Bill was frustrated at
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how details panicked every one. Laurie felt attacked and went upstairs to
avoid the tensioned stirred. Everyone had a chance to tell his or her side of
the story, but we all agreed that panic did make this situation scary. Mike
agreed to be the explainer for future procedures. He also agreed to call the
family the next day. Bill agreed to call our extended family. I felt a
tremendous amount of weight on my shoulders because this was not the end
of this journey! This was the beginning of this surreal experience. Mama
Coleman called and listened to me cry and feel sad about not being able to
breast feed. She said all the right things and just had a way of making me
feel better about everything. She ended the phone call with saying, “...And
breast-feeding is so over rated. You married my son, who wasn’t breast-fed,
and he turned out okay, didn’t he?”
Journal Entry, January 27, 2002
Where do I begin? What an incredible week- I am not even sure I have the energy to write about it. Every day I have taken things day by day- to see how I feel. Dr. Esserman called and gave us a small preview of what to talk about or Thursday. I am getting a lot of feedback that taking out the duct and following up with radiology/radiation would probably be the most aggressive at this point-unless I want a mastectomy-I don’t really don’t want to go that extreme, even Dr. Esserman thinks that may be a little too
and he turned out okay, didn’t he?”
Journal Entry, January 27, 2002
Where do I begin? What an incredible week- I am not even sure I have the energy to write about it. Every day I have taken things day by day- to see how I feel. Dr. Esserman called and gave us a small preview of what to talk about or Thursday. I am getting a lot of feedback that taking out the duct and following up with radiology/radiation would probably be the most aggressive at this point-unless I want a mastectomy-I don’t really don’t want to go that extreme, even Dr. Esserman thinks that may be a little too
aggressive at this point. I would like to start a family- what should I do?
Thank you for my life and gifts of life- I can do this! Thank you God!
Journal Entry, January 29, 2002
Every time I have had the chance to write about the last week, it has been very difficult for me to get to this point and express my feelings-it’s almost too intense for me to process, but Mike has kept me really level-headed. Dr. Esserman called us last night and gave us a small preview of our options, from the extreme to the least extreme- a mastectomy to hormone therapy. We want to be as aggressive as we can without jeopardizing my life style and professional life. On Thursday, we will meet with the doctors and have six weeks to process and make our decision based on our life. I am currently watching the “State of the Union” address and am somewhat inspired by President Bush’s presence. As I still feel discomfort in my right breast, I am confident that I will get through this. Stress for me has imbedded in so many other forms like lack of sleep and obsessive lesson planning. However, I feel so much love around me and I am so grateful that this was detected so early. Michelle and Pete built a shrine for me and their description of this shrine was so powerful that it made me cry. I am truly grateful. I have built a new shrine that will make me stronger and spread love and healing.
Every time I have had the chance to write about the last week, it has been very difficult for me to get to this point and express my feelings-it’s almost too intense for me to process, but Mike has kept me really level-headed. Dr. Esserman called us last night and gave us a small preview of our options, from the extreme to the least extreme- a mastectomy to hormone therapy. We want to be as aggressive as we can without jeopardizing my life style and professional life. On Thursday, we will meet with the doctors and have six weeks to process and make our decision based on our life. I am currently watching the “State of the Union” address and am somewhat inspired by President Bush’s presence. As I still feel discomfort in my right breast, I am confident that I will get through this. Stress for me has imbedded in so many other forms like lack of sleep and obsessive lesson planning. However, I feel so much love around me and I am so grateful that this was detected so early. Michelle and Pete built a shrine for me and their description of this shrine was so powerful that it made me cry. I am truly grateful. I have built a new shrine that will make me stronger and spread love and healing.
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My heart is full- my chest is in pain, but I am strong and I am full of love.
Mom’s presence has been so comforting as well as Papa Coleman’s and
Phil Hetland. Angels surround me and I feel good. I feel even better after
deciding to take the semester off at San Francisco State. Maybe I will be
able to finally write about my life this year and use the pre-cancer to
foreshadow my autobiography. I am really lucky and full of love! I am
grateful to have all this love and support...Thank God for Hase!
January 31, 2002: Post-Op Results of Biopsy
We met with Dr. Esserman and Veronica Shim for our post op surgery, review the pathology report and discuss our surgical options. They also asked us if we wanted to have children. We said that we were not sure, but we wanted to have the freedom to try if we wanted to. They brought in a doctor that would help with the baby details after this particular experience. After being given a variety of options, we decided to do another surgical procedure called a lumpectomy. Dr. Esserman was confident that she could get all the DCIS out and obtain clean margins. After six weeks of recovery I would then start radiation treatment, so I would be done with this experience just about when school is out. Both Mike and I felt comfortable with this decision and Dr. Esserman agreed at this point, a mastectomy is really too extreme. We went home and started the phone tree again about the latest decisions. The surgery would be set for March 19th.
January 31, 2002: Post-Op Results of Biopsy
We met with Dr. Esserman and Veronica Shim for our post op surgery, review the pathology report and discuss our surgical options. They also asked us if we wanted to have children. We said that we were not sure, but we wanted to have the freedom to try if we wanted to. They brought in a doctor that would help with the baby details after this particular experience. After being given a variety of options, we decided to do another surgical procedure called a lumpectomy. Dr. Esserman was confident that she could get all the DCIS out and obtain clean margins. After six weeks of recovery I would then start radiation treatment, so I would be done with this experience just about when school is out. Both Mike and I felt comfortable with this decision and Dr. Esserman agreed at this point, a mastectomy is really too extreme. We went home and started the phone tree again about the latest decisions. The surgery would be set for March 19th.
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February 6, 2002: Therapy about results
Mike and I met with Dr. Marks, a therapist, who validated all the fears and emotions we were going through. As she listened to Mike and I take turns speaking, she had the ability of making us feel normal. She explained this experience like this, “Medically, you know you are going to be okay, but emotionally, it’s very stressful and the reality is that you are in crisis! The emotions you experience as a DCIS patient are the same as a patient with stage four-breast cancer. The fact that you have DCIS is real! There is no reason to minimize what you have because it is just as stressful.” Once I was given permission to feel stressed, I started to feel a little better about possessing these feelings.
Journal Entry, February 10, 2002
I went to the Step Show yesterday and did the best I could to help out. Some people were helpful and I was feeling a little guilty about not totally being there for BSU- so I stayed as long as I could to help out with cues, cleaning up and all. At one point, Ms. Brown forgot to mention my name as part of the BSU sponsoring supervisors, but I was okay with that- I have not totally been there for BSU and I realized especially at the Step-Off. However, before I had a chance to feel too sorry for myself, Ryan Lewis, the BSU President, came out on stage and said, “I want to thank Ms. Coleman for all the work she’s done and she’s been kind of going through a rough time.”
Mike and I met with Dr. Marks, a therapist, who validated all the fears and emotions we were going through. As she listened to Mike and I take turns speaking, she had the ability of making us feel normal. She explained this experience like this, “Medically, you know you are going to be okay, but emotionally, it’s very stressful and the reality is that you are in crisis! The emotions you experience as a DCIS patient are the same as a patient with stage four-breast cancer. The fact that you have DCIS is real! There is no reason to minimize what you have because it is just as stressful.” Once I was given permission to feel stressed, I started to feel a little better about possessing these feelings.
Journal Entry, February 10, 2002
I went to the Step Show yesterday and did the best I could to help out. Some people were helpful and I was feeling a little guilty about not totally being there for BSU- so I stayed as long as I could to help out with cues, cleaning up and all. At one point, Ms. Brown forgot to mention my name as part of the BSU sponsoring supervisors, but I was okay with that- I have not totally been there for BSU and I realized especially at the Step-Off. However, before I had a chance to feel too sorry for myself, Ryan Lewis, the BSU President, came out on stage and said, “I want to thank Ms. Coleman for all the work she’s done and she’s been kind of going through a rough time.”
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He handed me some flowers, the crowd applauded for me, and I was totally
touched.
Journal Entry, February 14, 2002
Every day is Valentine’s Day for Hase and me. We had a great BBQ with a tri-tip steak, mashed potatoes, and a fresh green salad. Laurie and Rocky came over to celebrate this day of love and we watched figure skating. Mike and I both had our CLAD class today where we were able to spend the whole day together. We both bought each other our favorite chocolates and thoughtful cards. We didn’t really feel like going out to dinner, so we had a special meal at home. My toast to Mike is that I truly want to grow old with him- he has been there for me especially during this emotional time; I cannot imagine my life without him- I love him so.
Journal Entry, February 17, 2002
Telling family, friends, and my students about this next procedure has made me feel more at ease with this experience, but I am getting tired of having to explain what I have, what we hope to achieve and keeping a smile on my face- school is helping me to be somewhat distracted, but deep down it still is hard for me. I am grateful for my life and thank the Universe for my health. Keep the vibe positive and all is well. I am well and I shall live a very long time. Laurie had a mammogram on Friday and she is quite relieved. I feel extremely tired today and yesterday. All I wanted to do was
Journal Entry, February 14, 2002
Every day is Valentine’s Day for Hase and me. We had a great BBQ with a tri-tip steak, mashed potatoes, and a fresh green salad. Laurie and Rocky came over to celebrate this day of love and we watched figure skating. Mike and I both had our CLAD class today where we were able to spend the whole day together. We both bought each other our favorite chocolates and thoughtful cards. We didn’t really feel like going out to dinner, so we had a special meal at home. My toast to Mike is that I truly want to grow old with him- he has been there for me especially during this emotional time; I cannot imagine my life without him- I love him so.
Journal Entry, February 17, 2002
Telling family, friends, and my students about this next procedure has made me feel more at ease with this experience, but I am getting tired of having to explain what I have, what we hope to achieve and keeping a smile on my face- school is helping me to be somewhat distracted, but deep down it still is hard for me. I am grateful for my life and thank the Universe for my health. Keep the vibe positive and all is well. I am well and I shall live a very long time. Laurie had a mammogram on Friday and she is quite relieved. I feel extremely tired today and yesterday. All I wanted to do was
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watch movies- I had no other interests but to watch from film to film.
However, I didn’t sleep well last night. Djuma was especially affectionate
and sweet while we were sleeping last night. She made me feel loved.
Journal Entry, February 23, 2002
I found out my surgery date is March 19th @ 7:30am! That is really early for surgery! One thing the psychologist said, “Your life will never be the same after this experience.” I am so glad to hear that many of my friends are now having mammograms done. Laurie had one and her results came out fine. Michelle scheduled hers for Monday, February 25th. It’s not about the destination- it’s the journey. I release the need to control things in my life and give up sadness and despair. I am grateful that we all are healing nicely and all is well
Journal Entry, February 25, 2002
I have noticed my clothes feel better, looser and I feel thinner! I am less likely to cry and I crave to hear my heart beat faster, especially at the rhythm of the ocean. The sun to my left and the full moon on my right. The Zen in me has always existed and I only hope to experience a deeper realm of spirituality.
Journal Entry, March 9, 2002
Here I sit in the Linda Mar parking lot- Laurie needs to buy some “soft items” and my eyes are tired. I am so glad we decided to watch the movie,
I found out my surgery date is March 19th @ 7:30am! That is really early for surgery! One thing the psychologist said, “Your life will never be the same after this experience.” I am so glad to hear that many of my friends are now having mammograms done. Laurie had one and her results came out fine. Michelle scheduled hers for Monday, February 25th. It’s not about the destination- it’s the journey. I release the need to control things in my life and give up sadness and despair. I am grateful that we all are healing nicely and all is well
Journal Entry, February 25, 2002
I have noticed my clothes feel better, looser and I feel thinner! I am less likely to cry and I crave to hear my heart beat faster, especially at the rhythm of the ocean. The sun to my left and the full moon on my right. The Zen in me has always existed and I only hope to experience a deeper realm of spirituality.
Journal Entry, March 9, 2002
Here I sit in the Linda Mar parking lot- Laurie needs to buy some “soft items” and my eyes are tired. I am so glad we decided to watch the movie,
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“A Beautiful Mind” because he only reinforced a commitment you make
when you decide to grow old with someone. It’s only about a week away
from my surgery and I feel good. I’ll feel better after the surgery and I can
start recovering so I’ll be strong enough for Radiation treatment. And I just
want to be happy- I am really glad that I have so much support around me.
I seem to have the confidence that everything is going to be okay. It’s okay
to take time, pace myself and take things as they come- and I truly am trying
to live in the moment, in every moment. I am grateful for love and the gifts
that are a part of my abilities- and me open my mind and expand my
thoughts- I am free!
March 13, 2002: Pre-Op Appointment for Lumpectomy Re-excision at UCSF
Mike came with me during this pre-operative appointment. This day seemed much more intense than the January pre-op. I met a nurse, Debby Hamolsky, who had the bedside manner of a Saint. She handed me a beautiful binder and explained to me the details of the surgery. She recommended several resources in this binder that would help me with suggestions about diet, alternative types of medicine and helpful websites. I love binders because it is a useful tool that helps me to be a more organized, efficient teacher. Now I could be a good patient too. When I received this special cancer binder it was at this point that this experience feel more real,
March 13, 2002: Pre-Op Appointment for Lumpectomy Re-excision at UCSF
Mike came with me during this pre-operative appointment. This day seemed much more intense than the January pre-op. I met a nurse, Debby Hamolsky, who had the bedside manner of a Saint. She handed me a beautiful binder and explained to me the details of the surgery. She recommended several resources in this binder that would help me with suggestions about diet, alternative types of medicine and helpful websites. I love binders because it is a useful tool that helps me to be a more organized, efficient teacher. Now I could be a good patient too. When I received this special cancer binder it was at this point that this experience feel more real,
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like there really is something wrong with me. I started to weep in the
doctor’s office with my husband by my side. I did feel more comfortable
admitting to people that this experience was pretty scary.
Journal Entry, March 13, 2002
My eyes are really tired, my ears feel sensitive and I’d like to go to sleep. I am waiting to see about registration for my surgery information- I give into the love around me. Reflection: I am grateful! It is amazing to me how this one experience has changed so many other experiences, especially my perspective. Time- I have re-evaluated time and the events that I want to rush and the events I have not bothered to deal with. Issues with my body are changing- I will remain self-conscious, but I don’t feel ugly anymore. I am not as concerned about being a size eight any more, but more concerned about being healthy. I’m not as concerned about people being rude, but focusing on the good, positive gestures people do. It’s not so important to get my credential this year because I have five years to complete my Level II (only two more classes!). And I have seven years to get my Masters, which is only 3 more classes- what’s the rush? This experience has changed my perspective in a good way!
admitting to people that this experience was pretty scary.
Journal Entry, March 13, 2002
My eyes are really tired, my ears feel sensitive and I’d like to go to sleep. I am waiting to see about registration for my surgery information- I give into the love around me. Reflection: I am grateful! It is amazing to me how this one experience has changed so many other experiences, especially my perspective. Time- I have re-evaluated time and the events that I want to rush and the events I have not bothered to deal with. Issues with my body are changing- I will remain self-conscious, but I don’t feel ugly anymore. I am not as concerned about being a size eight any more, but more concerned about being healthy. I’m not as concerned about people being rude, but focusing on the good, positive gestures people do. It’s not so important to get my credential this year because I have five years to complete my Level II (only two more classes!). And I have seven years to get my Masters, which is only 3 more classes- what’s the rush? This experience has changed my perspective in a good way!
March 15, 2002
Sharon had a farewell party for me at school to wish me a successful surgery. So many people showed up and gave me hugs and positive words of encouragement. I did not realize that so many people cared about me. March 19, 2002: Lumpectomy Re-excision Surgery
The lumpectomy surgery was so much smoother than the first time. Everything went on time while all the nurses and assistants were helpful, friendly and supportive. My brother, sister and husband kept each other company while I was in surgery. Things felt easier the second time around and everyone felt confident that they had gotten all the DCIS out. Again, we would get the pathology report on Friday, so we waited.
Journal Entry, March 20, 2002
I saw a happy, cheerful man who made my day- I saw a large black beetle that told me I was in good hands. I also saw four black ravens all crotched in a row and many birds flying, swooping and diving to be close to the ground. The ocean as my backdrop once again- what a beautiful day! Yesterday when I was in the surgery room, I thought I caught a glimpse of Mom’s profile, silhouette or spirit and it was truly comforting- I am blessed. Tom from Boston is coming to visit us tomorrow!
Sharon had a farewell party for me at school to wish me a successful surgery. So many people showed up and gave me hugs and positive words of encouragement. I did not realize that so many people cared about me. March 19, 2002: Lumpectomy Re-excision Surgery
The lumpectomy surgery was so much smoother than the first time. Everything went on time while all the nurses and assistants were helpful, friendly and supportive. My brother, sister and husband kept each other company while I was in surgery. Things felt easier the second time around and everyone felt confident that they had gotten all the DCIS out. Again, we would get the pathology report on Friday, so we waited.
Journal Entry, March 20, 2002
I saw a happy, cheerful man who made my day- I saw a large black beetle that told me I was in good hands. I also saw four black ravens all crotched in a row and many birds flying, swooping and diving to be close to the ground. The ocean as my backdrop once again- what a beautiful day! Yesterday when I was in the surgery room, I thought I caught a glimpse of Mom’s profile, silhouette or spirit and it was truly comforting- I am blessed. Tom from Boston is coming to visit us tomorrow!
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March 22, 2002: The Results
My Lumpectomy results indicated that there was more DCIS. They did not get clean margins. They said to consider going back in a third time and then to try radiation. I was stunned. We were all stunned. This experience would not end.
Journal Entry, March 22, 2002
My trials and benchmarks are truly a part of this long journey- Another surgical procedure and then radiation- another stumble in the road- things are always changing- I am a little disappointed that they were unable to obtain clean margins, but I’ll be okay. Tom Beyer is here visiting us from Boston and it is kind of nice to have a guest distract me from these personal decisions.
Journal Entry, March 24, 2002
The Oscars are tonight and some bleeding occurred shortly after I completed my house cleaning. Mike called Veronica and she told us to apply pressure to stop the bleeding, not to worry about it and to stop the cleaning- it’s too early to be doing chores!
March 25, 2002: Telling More People
I decided to call a couple of my out of town friends to let them know about my journey with DCIS. I finally accepted that this “thing” was not going to go away and that I needed to communicate my health to some people who I
My Lumpectomy results indicated that there was more DCIS. They did not get clean margins. They said to consider going back in a third time and then to try radiation. I was stunned. We were all stunned. This experience would not end.
Journal Entry, March 22, 2002
My trials and benchmarks are truly a part of this long journey- Another surgical procedure and then radiation- another stumble in the road- things are always changing- I am a little disappointed that they were unable to obtain clean margins, but I’ll be okay. Tom Beyer is here visiting us from Boston and it is kind of nice to have a guest distract me from these personal decisions.
Journal Entry, March 24, 2002
The Oscars are tonight and some bleeding occurred shortly after I completed my house cleaning. Mike called Veronica and she told us to apply pressure to stop the bleeding, not to worry about it and to stop the cleaning- it’s too early to be doing chores!
March 25, 2002: Telling More People
I decided to call a couple of my out of town friends to let them know about my journey with DCIS. I finally accepted that this “thing” was not going to go away and that I needed to communicate my health to some people who I
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kept out of the loop because I figured this would be over in a couple of
months. In the process of calling some of my friends from the past, I
discovered that a dear friend had passed away about six months ago. I was
devastated and in shock to find out that this man had died of a cancerous
tumor around his heart. I was so depressed that I had not called him sooner
and that I was unable to go to pay my respects.
Journal Entry, March 27, 2002
Laura Esserman called to follow up on my surgery and my options. Both Mike and I were on the telephone listening attentively. She said many things that overwhelmed me- a third procedure many mean taking out the nipple and areola- in that case, do I want a deformed breast and have radiation done? Or should I decrease my chances of recurrence to 1% by having a mastectomy done- reconstruction is an option too. Dr. Esserman and Veronica were both very disappointed and surprised that there still was so much of the DCIS. Laura asked us to think about what we want to do in the next five years, then make a priority list based on the things that are most important. She was setting us up with a plastic surgeon and an advocate so that we could make an educated decision. She also recommended that a second opinion might also be a good idea. I feel like my decisions, or lack of are all connected to other decisions like having kids! We haven’t even really discussed this stuff. I am not sure that I want to go through this.
and that I was unable to go to pay my respects.
Journal Entry, March 27, 2002
Laura Esserman called to follow up on my surgery and my options. Both Mike and I were on the telephone listening attentively. She said many things that overwhelmed me- a third procedure many mean taking out the nipple and areola- in that case, do I want a deformed breast and have radiation done? Or should I decrease my chances of recurrence to 1% by having a mastectomy done- reconstruction is an option too. Dr. Esserman and Veronica were both very disappointed and surprised that there still was so much of the DCIS. Laura asked us to think about what we want to do in the next five years, then make a priority list based on the things that are most important. She was setting us up with a plastic surgeon and an advocate so that we could make an educated decision. She also recommended that a second opinion might also be a good idea. I feel like my decisions, or lack of are all connected to other decisions like having kids! We haven’t even really discussed this stuff. I am not sure that I want to go through this.
Laura then said that she would present my case to a board or specialists
about the best procedure.
March 28, 2002: Nipple Re-stitching
My breast was still bleeding, so Laura Esserman had me come in so she could re-stitch the nipple. The needle that was applied was almost more painful than the actual stitching. This painful experience made me cry and feel faint. Laura said there was no rush about my decision and that we would meet again next week. I picked up a book on Feng Shui and started rearranging our bedroom. This project helped me to gently distract me from thinking too much about all my decisions. I just could not seem to get my mind wrapped around a mastectomy.
Journal Entry, March 31, 2002
My dream was about Bill Arnold. We are driving back from a Hyatt function in a car. We had lunch in a cafeteria and ran off to our several meetings and functions. As we were driving back, I noticed Eric Kretz and Jon Brown in the back of the car- and then I saw Justin Hill too! I was in the front passenger seat and Bill was the driver. I started to tell Eric, Jon, and Justin about how Bill died and that it was about 6 – 8 months ago- I started to cry and found it very difficult to get the words out, but I was able to tell the guys the details of his strange death. Eric, Jon and Justin all started to cry. I then looked at Bill and he looked as alive as all of us, but I
March 28, 2002: Nipple Re-stitching
My breast was still bleeding, so Laura Esserman had me come in so she could re-stitch the nipple. The needle that was applied was almost more painful than the actual stitching. This painful experience made me cry and feel faint. Laura said there was no rush about my decision and that we would meet again next week. I picked up a book on Feng Shui and started rearranging our bedroom. This project helped me to gently distract me from thinking too much about all my decisions. I just could not seem to get my mind wrapped around a mastectomy.
Journal Entry, March 31, 2002
My dream was about Bill Arnold. We are driving back from a Hyatt function in a car. We had lunch in a cafeteria and ran off to our several meetings and functions. As we were driving back, I noticed Eric Kretz and Jon Brown in the back of the car- and then I saw Justin Hill too! I was in the front passenger seat and Bill was the driver. I started to tell Eric, Jon, and Justin about how Bill died and that it was about 6 – 8 months ago- I started to cry and found it very difficult to get the words out, but I was able to tell the guys the details of his strange death. Eric, Jon and Justin all started to cry. I then looked at Bill and he looked as alive as all of us, but I
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feel as if I was the only one who saw him. Bill had tears in his eyes too. He
gives me the feeling that he his also sad of his premature death. I was
confused because I am talking about him as if he’s already gone and here he
is driving the car! I hug him and tell him that I am shocked by his death and
try to make him feel better.
March 31, 2002: Memorial for Bill Arnold
Mike and I had a special tea ritual in honor of Bill Arnold. We lit some candles, drank the rose “lovers tea” he gave us as a wedding gift and toasted to his wonderful spirit. We read the letter he sent me shortly after his birthday, September 2000:
Dear KA and Mike,
My handwriting sucks! Hope you can read this letter okay. Somehow, when I type a letter on the computer, it loses something. I have always loved handwritten letters.
Thank you for remembering me on my birthday! I am celebrating tonight with my friends here, we are cocktailing at 9:30pm and I am really happy and grateful to be amongst friends.
When I arrived at the Rose Garden the day of your wedding I was amazed at how the clouds had cleared and the day became so beautiful. Only you could make such rain and mud into beautiful sunshine. KA- that is
March 31, 2002: Memorial for Bill Arnold
Mike and I had a special tea ritual in honor of Bill Arnold. We lit some candles, drank the rose “lovers tea” he gave us as a wedding gift and toasted to his wonderful spirit. We read the letter he sent me shortly after his birthday, September 2000:
Dear KA and Mike,
My handwriting sucks! Hope you can read this letter okay. Somehow, when I type a letter on the computer, it loses something. I have always loved handwritten letters.
Thank you for remembering me on my birthday! I am celebrating tonight with my friends here, we are cocktailing at 9:30pm and I am really happy and grateful to be amongst friends.
When I arrived at the Rose Garden the day of your wedding I was amazed at how the clouds had cleared and the day became so beautiful. Only you could make such rain and mud into beautiful sunshine. KA- that is
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one of your most beautiful qualities. When you shared your life experiences
with me, you inspired me into those qualities and I am grateful.
Your wedding was such an expression of you...it moved me more than you will ever know. Your humor was quite evident; I smile when I see you peering out behind the bush in your gown with that look on your face of happiness and mischief. I cried when you chose to have your sister play the guitar and I heard your Mom sing. She was present at your wedding as I am a witness. How proud she must be of you! I spoke to your Uncle for a while, I loved how he performed the ceremony; how personal and intimate
and authentic. Half the time I didn’t know when to laugh or cry.
Thank you for including me on your special day. I am glad that I can still see all magic that you have and what you give people with your
presence.
As I was leaving, I walked up the Rose Garden path and saw how
beautiful life is and what you have done to make mine brighter. Thank you so much for being you and being okay with yourself...and sharing it. Thank you for making such a difference in my life.
Love, Bill
P.S. Glad you liked the lover’s tea!
with me, you inspired me into those qualities and I am grateful.
Your wedding was such an expression of you...it moved me more than you will ever know. Your humor was quite evident; I smile when I see you peering out behind the bush in your gown with that look on your face of happiness and mischief. I cried when you chose to have your sister play the guitar and I heard your Mom sing. She was present at your wedding as I am a witness. How proud she must be of you! I spoke to your Uncle for a while, I loved how he performed the ceremony; how personal and intimate
and authentic. Half the time I didn’t know when to laugh or cry.
Thank you for including me on your special day. I am glad that I can still see all magic that you have and what you give people with your
presence.
As I was leaving, I walked up the Rose Garden path and saw how
beautiful life is and what you have done to make mine brighter. Thank you so much for being you and being okay with yourself...and sharing it. Thank you for making such a difference in my life.
Love, Bill
P.S. Glad you liked the lover’s tea!
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April 3, 2002: Advocate Appointment, Post op of Lumpectomy, and
Therapy
I met with the therapist about everything that has happened up to this point. I started to break down and cry and let all the “keeping it together” let go of trying to be so strong. Dr. Marks validated my feelings and suggested that I join a DCIS group that would be starting next month. She also recommended the possibility of seeking individual therapy. I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders when I walked in her office and felt somewhat relieved an hour later. I met Mike in the waiting room and told him a little about the emotional session. She validated my feelings and offered some helpful ways of coping with making the best decision. We met with Carin Aviv, an advocate who helped me organize my thoughts and fears. Veronica Shim came in and told me the date of my MRI that would determine how much more DCIS there exists in my right breast. Debbie checked on the progress of my stitches and we started to search for a second opinion in San Francisco. My mind was spinning. Part of me wanted to hurry and get this operation done and the other part of me felt the need to get a second opinion. We tentatively set a surgery date for May 7th for a mastectomy where I was told that I could cancel at any time. I started my search and the possibility of taking a leave of absence at work. Where do I begin?
Therapy
I met with the therapist about everything that has happened up to this point. I started to break down and cry and let all the “keeping it together” let go of trying to be so strong. Dr. Marks validated my feelings and suggested that I join a DCIS group that would be starting next month. She also recommended the possibility of seeking individual therapy. I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders when I walked in her office and felt somewhat relieved an hour later. I met Mike in the waiting room and told him a little about the emotional session. She validated my feelings and offered some helpful ways of coping with making the best decision. We met with Carin Aviv, an advocate who helped me organize my thoughts and fears. Veronica Shim came in and told me the date of my MRI that would determine how much more DCIS there exists in my right breast. Debbie checked on the progress of my stitches and we started to search for a second opinion in San Francisco. My mind was spinning. Part of me wanted to hurry and get this operation done and the other part of me felt the need to get a second opinion. We tentatively set a surgery date for May 7th for a mastectomy where I was told that I could cancel at any time. I started my search and the possibility of taking a leave of absence at work. Where do I begin?
Journal Entry, April 3, 2002
On my way to the breast center a song came on the radio by Bob Marley titled, “Woman, Don’t Cry.” The part where he sings, “Everything is going to be all right” touched an emotion inside me and I started to cry softly- and the song helped me realize that I am going to be all right. Bob Marley has such significance in my life- his music themed our wedding and his words are a mantra in my life. Here he is again, soothing my nerves and worries about my DCIS.
Journal Entry, April 5, 2002
The hardest thing to deal with now is telling people about the possibility of a mastectomy and watching their response and reaction to my results and options. I have been put in an uncomfortable position of comforting them about hearing about my news- I don’t know if this makes my processing of the mastectomy easier or more stressful. Some people are assuming that I can “wait” until summer...why would I want to wait? I then found out that I am all out of sick pay. I am not worried about the money- it will all work out. I just can’t take care of people right now.
April 5, 2002: Road Trip to Sonoma
Mike and I had a wonderful visit with Michelle, Pete, Aimee and Gary. I had an incredible massage that helped me to find a connection with my body and assist with making some decisions. I did a flower reading from my
On my way to the breast center a song came on the radio by Bob Marley titled, “Woman, Don’t Cry.” The part where he sings, “Everything is going to be all right” touched an emotion inside me and I started to cry softly- and the song helped me realize that I am going to be all right. Bob Marley has such significance in my life- his music themed our wedding and his words are a mantra in my life. Here he is again, soothing my nerves and worries about my DCIS.
Journal Entry, April 5, 2002
The hardest thing to deal with now is telling people about the possibility of a mastectomy and watching their response and reaction to my results and options. I have been put in an uncomfortable position of comforting them about hearing about my news- I don’t know if this makes my processing of the mastectomy easier or more stressful. Some people are assuming that I can “wait” until summer...why would I want to wait? I then found out that I am all out of sick pay. I am not worried about the money- it will all work out. I just can’t take care of people right now.
April 5, 2002: Road Trip to Sonoma
Mike and I had a wonderful visit with Michelle, Pete, Aimee and Gary. I had an incredible massage that helped me to find a connection with my body and assist with making some decisions. I did a flower reading from my
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Angelic Messenger Cards to help with my direction and here were the
results of my reading: Love, Balance, Challenge, Acknowledgement,
Change, Choice, and Attention. My massage therapist said, “As long as you
make your decision with love- you’ll be fine.” It was as if she was there
during my flower reading.
Journal Entry, April 6, 2002
During my massage I was open to the possibility of resolution and love. I realized and reaffirmed my gratefulness of abundant love, friends and family. It appeared as if I received advise from many:
Mom’s message (died of multiple sclerosis in 1993) – “I will always be with you...you will always be my peanut butter baby with chocolate pudding eyes. You are beautiful no matter what kind of operation you endure. I wish I could have met Mike because he is so good for you and you are lucky. Don’t worry so much sweetie.”
Nanny’s message (died of cancer in 1975) – “Listen to your mother because she is wise. I had no choices about what to do about my health. You are very fortunate. Stay true to yourself.”
Phil Hetland (died of pneumonia in 1994) – “Thank you for honoring my presence by continuing to celebrate the Oscars. I feel I am ready to return in another life form as someone’s son. I will guide you through this life and I am always near.”
during my flower reading.
Journal Entry, April 6, 2002
During my massage I was open to the possibility of resolution and love. I realized and reaffirmed my gratefulness of abundant love, friends and family. It appeared as if I received advise from many:
Mom’s message (died of multiple sclerosis in 1993) – “I will always be with you...you will always be my peanut butter baby with chocolate pudding eyes. You are beautiful no matter what kind of operation you endure. I wish I could have met Mike because he is so good for you and you are lucky. Don’t worry so much sweetie.”
Nanny’s message (died of cancer in 1975) – “Listen to your mother because she is wise. I had no choices about what to do about my health. You are very fortunate. Stay true to yourself.”
Phil Hetland (died of pneumonia in 1994) – “Thank you for honoring my presence by continuing to celebrate the Oscars. I feel I am ready to return in another life form as someone’s son. I will guide you through this life and I am always near.”
Papa Coleman (died of lymphoma in 1997) – “I had a good life on earth,
but I wish for you to be worry-free and be able to live a long, healthy life
where you can grow old with my son, Mike. I trust that you will make a
good decision.”
Bill Arnold (died of cancerous tumor in the heart in 2001) – “Don’t worry- spirituality will get you through anything- Don’t feel bad about my death- that is the past and even though I am not with you physically, I will always be with you in spirit. Seek whatever guidance you feel comfortable with whether it is through palm reading, tarot card, praying to a higher power, or other forms of spiritual enlightenment- just be true to yourself and you will prevail!”
April 8, 2002: Plastic Surgeon Appointment
Mike and I went together to see Dr. Anthony, a plastic surgeon that came highly recommended, to see what kinds of reconstruction options are available to me. I had already decided that I would rather have a Transverse Rectus Abdomininis Muscle flap or TRAM-flap done instead of implants. The tissue taken from this muscle is used to reconstruct the breast. Using my own tissue to replace my breast seemed to be a better option for me because it would feel more natural and it would not worry about having foreign objects (the implant) in my body. This doctor took some pictures and showed me how he would reconstruct my breast. As he went into detail,
Bill Arnold (died of cancerous tumor in the heart in 2001) – “Don’t worry- spirituality will get you through anything- Don’t feel bad about my death- that is the past and even though I am not with you physically, I will always be with you in spirit. Seek whatever guidance you feel comfortable with whether it is through palm reading, tarot card, praying to a higher power, or other forms of spiritual enlightenment- just be true to yourself and you will prevail!”
April 8, 2002: Plastic Surgeon Appointment
Mike and I went together to see Dr. Anthony, a plastic surgeon that came highly recommended, to see what kinds of reconstruction options are available to me. I had already decided that I would rather have a Transverse Rectus Abdomininis Muscle flap or TRAM-flap done instead of implants. The tissue taken from this muscle is used to reconstruct the breast. Using my own tissue to replace my breast seemed to be a better option for me because it would feel more natural and it would not worry about having foreign objects (the implant) in my body. This doctor took some pictures and showed me how he would reconstruct my breast. As he went into detail,
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I felt myself getting light headed and felt the need to sit down. As I put my
head between my knees, he smiled and told me that this happens to some of
his patients. “It’s major surgery” he said, “and scary too- but we will do our
best to make a good match.” He also gave me a list of previous patients that
I could call and ask about their opinion of the TRAM-flap. This list
triggered my memory of a box of other telephone numbers that had
accumulated over the last months in my sock drawer. These telephone
numbers were given to me by friends and family who, “has a friend who had
breast cancer” and “I should call them.” For the month of April, I decided to
do a research project where I called one person each day from Dr. Anthony’s
list or my “sock drawer” list. Each breast cancer survivor I called shared her
story with me with complete honesty and compassion. It was interesting to
me how each individual had her own, powerful, brave, scary story and that
they wanted to know how they could help me with my decision-making
process. They also had time to hear my story. I realized besides my
personal friends, family and co-workers, I had another resource to cling to if
I needed more support.
April 9, 2002: Emergency Room with Veronica
I taught all day and started feeling a lot of pain in my chest. Laurie called me and asked if I needed a ride to the emergency room. I called my doctor and she instructed me to get to the hospital as soon as possible. When we
I needed more support.
April 9, 2002: Emergency Room with Veronica
I taught all day and started feeling a lot of pain in my chest. Laurie called me and asked if I needed a ride to the emergency room. I called my doctor and she instructed me to get to the hospital as soon as possible. When we
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met Veronica at the hospital she commented on weight I have lost and swept
me in an available room. When she looked at the stitched nipple she noticed
that my breast looked inflamed. She went over to the medicine counter and
pulled out a huge needle. She said, “This won’t hurt, but maybe you
shouldn’t look.” As she put the needle in the crease of the nipple, she pulled
out a lot of fluid. She did this three times. She said the pressure of all this
fluid was causing me all the pain and discomfort. Once the pressure was
relieved, the pain went away. I was becoming quite “a regular” with many
doctors and we began to refer to each other on a first name basis. I was
developing quite a rapport with many individuals in the health care field.
This would be great for my book.
April 13, 2002: Pearls of Wisdom from Uncle Jeff:
Laurie drove me up to Roseville to see my Uncle Jeff and my Aunt Lana. Uncle Jeff gave me a very special crystal to help me with my journey to make the best decisions. He also helped me to find some closure with Bill Arnold. He told me to get the Illusions book out and to read the last chapter. We both were weeping and took turns reading the pearls of wisdom:
“...Will I see you again? Are you coming back?”
“I don’t think so. I want to get beyond times and spaces...I already am, as a matter of fact. But there is this link between us, between you and me and the others in our family. You get stopped by some problem, hold it
This would be great for my book.
April 13, 2002: Pearls of Wisdom from Uncle Jeff:
Laurie drove me up to Roseville to see my Uncle Jeff and my Aunt Lana. Uncle Jeff gave me a very special crystal to help me with my journey to make the best decisions. He also helped me to find some closure with Bill Arnold. He told me to get the Illusions book out and to read the last chapter. We both were weeping and took turns reading the pearls of wisdom:
“...Will I see you again? Are you coming back?”
“I don’t think so. I want to get beyond times and spaces...I already am, as a matter of fact. But there is this link between us, between you and me and the others in our family. You get stopped by some problem, hold it
38
in your head and go to sleep and we’ll meet here by the airplane and talk
about it, if you want....Dying is like diving into a deep lake on a hot day.
There’s the shock of that sharp cold change, the pain of it for a second, and
then accepting is a swim in reality. But after so many times, even the shock
wears off.” (p. 188-189 Bach) Some other pearls of wisdom:
wears off.” (p. 188-189 Bach) Some other pearls of wisdom:
-
Attitude is Every Thing!
-
Leading by example is not a good way to lead- it’s the only way.
-
I’ll trade you!
-
A union card never did a days work.
April 15, 2002: Meeting with Maria Patrick in Palo Alto
I packed an overnight bag and met up with an old college friend in Palo Alto. Although we only see each other about once a year, we always had the ability to pick up where we had left off. The last time we had seen each other was on my wedding day. During this visit we were going to talk about our kinship with Bill Arnold, my recent diagnosis, and her personal experiences with breast cancer. Drinks, a hearty meal at California Pizza Kitchen, and a pajama party at her Bed and Breakfast caught us up to our lives. We prayed together for strength, guidance and insight through this journey of emotions. We dried each other’s tears and spoke in the dark until
39
we could no longer keep our eyes open. Once again, I found myself being
so grateful to have so many loving people in my life.
April 18, 2002: MRI and the Radiologist
The radiologist took us in a room so we could view the MRI. Veronica met us there where they showed us this picture of globular patches. The radiologist felt the breast looked “fairly normal” but could tell there was some kind of procedure done to the right breast. This made me feel that a mastectomy might be too extreme of a procedure if my breast currently looked “fairly normal.” I was hopeful that I might be able to keep my breast.
Journal Entry, April 18, 2002: MRI, right breast
Hase by my side during the MRI- like an angel telling me, showing me that everything is going to be all right- I love you. I close my eyes, think of Mike by my side and I am free.
Journal Entry, April 19, 2002: MRI, left breast
The left breast the same only he is now on my left side listening to the pounding and the hum of the machine- he is standing much closer to my head and whispering, “I love my Hase.” He truly is an angel.
Journal Entry, April 20, 2002: Check-up on right breast
After speaking to Veronica today I am feeling a little bit better about my options. I still have a very bad headache and I am extremely bloated.
so grateful to have so many loving people in my life.
April 18, 2002: MRI and the Radiologist
The radiologist took us in a room so we could view the MRI. Veronica met us there where they showed us this picture of globular patches. The radiologist felt the breast looked “fairly normal” but could tell there was some kind of procedure done to the right breast. This made me feel that a mastectomy might be too extreme of a procedure if my breast currently looked “fairly normal.” I was hopeful that I might be able to keep my breast.
Journal Entry, April 18, 2002: MRI, right breast
Hase by my side during the MRI- like an angel telling me, showing me that everything is going to be all right- I love you. I close my eyes, think of Mike by my side and I am free.
Journal Entry, April 19, 2002: MRI, left breast
The left breast the same only he is now on my left side listening to the pounding and the hum of the machine- he is standing much closer to my head and whispering, “I love my Hase.” He truly is an angel.
Journal Entry, April 20, 2002: Check-up on right breast
After speaking to Veronica today I am feeling a little bit better about my options. I still have a very bad headache and I am extremely bloated.
Veronica admitted to me that she has never seen so much of a post-op
patient as much as myself. She commented on all the different kinds of little
unique complications she has observed over the past four months. I don’t
feel that any procedure I decide will be an easy one and that each one
decision has a price- I do want this behind me though- very soon! One thing
she wanted me to think about in regards to the mastectomy – “If the
pathology comes back after having a mastectomy and the results indicate
that they could have saved the breast, are you going to regret having this
operation?”
April 20, 2002: Sonoma Trip
After Mike took his Praxis exam and Veronica examined me, we drove to Sonoma and spent the day with Michelle and Pete. I scheduled another massage and had another incredible experience.
Journal Entry, April 21, 2002
We are in Sonoma and we spent an incredible evening at this community dinner honoring great teachers. We were up pretty late last night, but we had a great sleep! I went to my favorite place (Sonoma Spa) to get a massage today and I was lucky enough to have a spiritual therapist. I told her my objective was to gain more clarity about another lumpectomy or a to have a mastectomy. When I hinted that I consider myself a spiritual person and open to the divine being, she placed her hands together and said,
April 20, 2002: Sonoma Trip
After Mike took his Praxis exam and Veronica examined me, we drove to Sonoma and spent the day with Michelle and Pete. I scheduled another massage and had another incredible experience.
Journal Entry, April 21, 2002
We are in Sonoma and we spent an incredible evening at this community dinner honoring great teachers. We were up pretty late last night, but we had a great sleep! I went to my favorite place (Sonoma Spa) to get a massage today and I was lucky enough to have a spiritual therapist. I told her my objective was to gain more clarity about another lumpectomy or a to have a mastectomy. When I hinted that I consider myself a spiritual person and open to the divine being, she placed her hands together and said,
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“Namastee.” She asked me if I had any kind of spiritual massages in the
past and I told her about Uncle Jeff performing Reike on me. She said that
she does something spiritual like that and goes to the places in the body that
needs comfort. She called it an intuitive massage. So we both were in a
place where we wanted to go spiritually. During the massage I felt like I
was in a coma zone. She was breathing really deep and my release breath
became more regulated. I felt my Mom’s presence and prayed to God for
strength. My Mom said that I would be okay and that all the things on my
to-do list in life will happen. After the massage I asked the therapist if she
felt any negative energy and she told me that she believes in emotion and
channeling energy. She noticed sadness and fear, especially in my stomach
and heart. She said my head seems to be holding a lot of stuff, “like you are
trying to keep things together- holding it together for others.” She also said
she got a very strong sense that I have the ability to heal myself. She
mentioned that she had clients in Pacifica and would be happy to make
house calls if I needed additional bodywork. She gave me a hug and gave
up her break to spend more time with me and we both felt blessed. I feel so
much better about my options.
Journal Entry, April 22, 2002
I keep revisiting this thought, but I believe the hardest moments of this experience is telling people and for every person to respond differently.
Journal Entry, April 22, 2002
I keep revisiting this thought, but I believe the hardest moments of this experience is telling people and for every person to respond differently.
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Some people are shocked, while others are confident that every thing will be
okay. I told my Godmother, Susie Stone, today and she has a background in
the medicine field, so she understood the technical terms. But it didn’t take
away the tears she silently wept. She is a true link to my Mom and she has
helped me to experience the memory of my Mom and celebrate in her spirit.
All is well and I am blessed- I am grateful for my life without sounding
redundant...Thank you God!
April 25, 2002: Pre-op for Mastectomy and Second Opinion
Debby approached us and walked us through each step and phase of the mastectomy with reconstruction. It hit me that this was major surgery when she demonstrated where my surgical drains would be placed on my body, I started to cry and get really scared about the whole process, but I was pretty sure this was what I needed to do. Debby added more information to my breast binder and also validated my emotions. Veronica came in and said UCSF needed to re-do my MRI because there were some complications with the technician’s equipment. Our next stop was getting the second opinion from Dr. Lagios. He was a gentle-looking man who seemed to be quite an advocate for the breast. He gave us a typed report of the results he discovered, inserted a cassette in a tape recorder and started to discuss his findings. He gave us some statistics that did contrast some of Dr. Esserman’s facts and suggested that I try my best to wait for the March 19th
April 25, 2002: Pre-op for Mastectomy and Second Opinion
Debby approached us and walked us through each step and phase of the mastectomy with reconstruction. It hit me that this was major surgery when she demonstrated where my surgical drains would be placed on my body, I started to cry and get really scared about the whole process, but I was pretty sure this was what I needed to do. Debby added more information to my breast binder and also validated my emotions. Veronica came in and said UCSF needed to re-do my MRI because there were some complications with the technician’s equipment. Our next stop was getting the second opinion from Dr. Lagios. He was a gentle-looking man who seemed to be quite an advocate for the breast. He gave us a typed report of the results he discovered, inserted a cassette in a tape recorder and started to discuss his findings. He gave us some statistics that did contrast some of Dr. Esserman’s facts and suggested that I try my best to wait for the March 19th
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surgery to heal, and that would be at least another five weeks. He explained
to us that an MRI would be too pre-mature because the radiologist could
view the scar tissue for DCIS. Waiting at least eight weeks after surgery
would allow my breast to properly heal. Then I can get another MRI that
would be accurate. This would allow me to see how much DCIS there exists
in my breast and then I can be the one to make the decision. The only
inconvenience this does to me is to wait. Dr. Lagios said, “It’s worth
waiting if it means the possibility of preserving your breast.” My head
started to spin again. This doctor was not telling me what I wanted to hear!
I left his office frustrated and even more confused about what I am suppose
to do. Once Mike and I got home, had dinner, and spoke to some close
relatives, we decided that it would be best to wait. Even though I really did
not want to wait, I knew that for myself, I had to do everything in my power
to preserve my breast before removing it permanently. The waiting game
started and my nerves began to rattle. I called the Breast center and
rescheduled my surgery for June 25th.
April 25, 2002: Received a letter from Veronica Shim “Dear Karol-Ann
I am sorry that you have to go through this. But remember that whatever you decide to do, I will support it- sometimes, I think that freedom of choice is a blessing and yet a very heavy burden to carry. Just remember-
rescheduled my surgery for June 25th.
April 25, 2002: Received a letter from Veronica Shim “Dear Karol-Ann
I am sorry that you have to go through this. But remember that whatever you decide to do, I will support it- sometimes, I think that freedom of choice is a blessing and yet a very heavy burden to carry. Just remember-
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you will be OK...you have the control...Thank you for having me involved
in your care.
Love, Veronica”
Journal Entry, April 30, 2002
Even though I took a thirty minute bath and a twenty five minute walk, my emotions got the best of me and I cried like I have not cried in months- maybe it’s a PMS thing or maybe it’s a DCIS thing, but I am really tired and tired of being strong- thanks for my life and help me to be at peace- I just need peace! Look out for me please Mom- because you know and you help me to have hope- let’s see how things go!
May 4, 2002: Decision Mantra
I release all doubts and fears-
I let go of my pain and I let go of my worries and woes-
I have the power to release my fears
And I have the power to make decisions that are for my highest good-
I am free and I release this pain between my head.
I am made up of love, passion, and good will
And I love my life!
I love my direction
in your care.
Love, Veronica”
Journal Entry, April 30, 2002
Even though I took a thirty minute bath and a twenty five minute walk, my emotions got the best of me and I cried like I have not cried in months- maybe it’s a PMS thing or maybe it’s a DCIS thing, but I am really tired and tired of being strong- thanks for my life and help me to be at peace- I just need peace! Look out for me please Mom- because you know and you help me to have hope- let’s see how things go!
May 4, 2002: Decision Mantra
I release all doubts and fears-
I let go of my pain and I let go of my worries and woes-
I have the power to release my fears
And I have the power to make decisions that are for my highest good-
I am free and I release this pain between my head.
I am made up of love, passion, and good will
And I love my life!
I love my direction
And I am happy to be alive!
Do not worry what you cannot control-
Do not worry what you cannot control-
Embrace it!
Too Much
My situation still seems unclear as I still feel weird twitches more around my right breast-
I am not in immense pain, just painful thought-
These thoughts knock at me like an eerie wind chime on a blustering day-
No time to be calm
No moment to have silence
Too much noise!
Too much static!
Too many opinions!
Too many voices!
I can’t complain- I can only take every day, minute by minute, Second by second...
Dear Mom,
Do not worry what you cannot control-
Do not worry what you cannot control-
Embrace it!
Too Much
My situation still seems unclear as I still feel weird twitches more around my right breast-
I am not in immense pain, just painful thought-
These thoughts knock at me like an eerie wind chime on a blustering day-
No time to be calm
No moment to have silence
Too much noise!
Too much static!
Too many opinions!
Too many voices!
I can’t complain- I can only take every day, minute by minute, Second by second...
Dear Mom,
45
I keep thinking about the possibility of having the power to
heal myself. Mom, what are your thoughts? I know you are
with me and I so appreciate you looking out for me. Would
you help me to release my tension headache and to believe in
my destiny a little more? I know I’m leaning on you and your
wisdom keeps sinking through as I become older and older.
I am glad you are in a place to help me. Would you help me
to find comfort with Bill Arnold? I really miss him and still
cannot believe he has passed.
The Westward Wind Butterfly
Sparrow
Raven sings
The westward winds The leaves ring
The soil is solid
The sun has set
And my mind feels like it’s concrete-
The waves are strong, but whispering through my veins
The Westward Wind Butterfly
Sparrow
Raven sings
The westward winds The leaves ring
The soil is solid
The sun has set
And my mind feels like it’s concrete-
The waves are strong, but whispering through my veins
46
And my heart pumping faster
As the sky turns gray
“85 percent of the time micro calcifications are benign” Journal Entry, May 12, 2002: Mother’s Day
My Mom has taught me many things about how to be a good person. She is with me every day- every step I take- and I know that she is evolving. She helps me when I am afraid or fear that I cannot “get through” a situation- she is my #1 guardian angel! As I get older I realize more and more that she was more love and generosity than anything. I have learned to appreciate all the kooky, crazy, sweet, funny things she said and did in order for me to feel comfortable in my own skin and I am grateful for that gift. Through my DCIS experience, she is telling me that I will be okay and reminding me that I do have the power to get through this experience. She is on the other side and through her pearls of wisdom she is helping me to be at peace and I thank God every day for my life- I really am so fortunate!
Journal Entry, May 8, 2002
For the week of the teacher, I’ve been kind of sad- I have been feeling really tired and a bit over-whelmed. I don’t feel like I have been a very good teacher. I am a stressed ball of nerves. My students have been so patient with me. If I keep myself focused and remain positive all will be well. I will
As the sky turns gray
“85 percent of the time micro calcifications are benign” Journal Entry, May 12, 2002: Mother’s Day
My Mom has taught me many things about how to be a good person. She is with me every day- every step I take- and I know that she is evolving. She helps me when I am afraid or fear that I cannot “get through” a situation- she is my #1 guardian angel! As I get older I realize more and more that she was more love and generosity than anything. I have learned to appreciate all the kooky, crazy, sweet, funny things she said and did in order for me to feel comfortable in my own skin and I am grateful for that gift. Through my DCIS experience, she is telling me that I will be okay and reminding me that I do have the power to get through this experience. She is on the other side and through her pearls of wisdom she is helping me to be at peace and I thank God every day for my life- I really am so fortunate!
Journal Entry, May 8, 2002
For the week of the teacher, I’ve been kind of sad- I have been feeling really tired and a bit over-whelmed. I don’t feel like I have been a very good teacher. I am a stressed ball of nerves. My students have been so patient with me. If I keep myself focused and remain positive all will be well. I will
47
be fine and eventually, get out of debt. I guess we are not even sure that we
want to move just yet- we love Pacifica! We adore living so close to the
ocean, but we also love Sonoma! I believe that the Universe has a purpose
for me and I should not fight, push or pull anything in any direction right
now- like a bad boyfriend. Just let it be and it will prevail- just let it be, let it
happen and to be free- my brain is so far deep into my soul- I need to remain
with my third eye.
May 21, 2002: DCIS Group starts
I met three individuals who are going through similar experiences as myself. It was so nice to just talk about my experiences without having to make people feel better about my health. This was a good, healthy mental release. Journal Entry, May 21, 2002
What was one a rush for me, to hurry up and do is no longer important. I have slowed down. What I put on the back burner is no more placed there. This is on the forefront of my passion. Every day is blessed by having the opportunity to be alive and enjoy my life- I am no longer bringing my lessons home- it’s all done at school and this is key! Thank you God! Journal Entry, May 28, 2002
May 21, 2002: DCIS Group starts
I met three individuals who are going through similar experiences as myself. It was so nice to just talk about my experiences without having to make people feel better about my health. This was a good, healthy mental release. Journal Entry, May 21, 2002
What was one a rush for me, to hurry up and do is no longer important. I have slowed down. What I put on the back burner is no more placed there. This is on the forefront of my passion. Every day is blessed by having the opportunity to be alive and enjoy my life- I am no longer bringing my lessons home- it’s all done at school and this is key! Thank you God! Journal Entry, May 28, 2002
48
I don’t know why I allow students who are off task bum me out. I mean, if
they decide to have a bad attitude and not do anything, why should I be
compelled to give them a good grade? I guess I should release all the things
that cause me pain and grief- why do I let it get to me? Why do I allow just
one student to ruin my day? Is it because it’s May or is it me? Is it the day?
Why do I feel compelled to cry at this point and give up? Why do I do this?
Maybe I should consider not teaching the Speech class next year- I mean,
what’s the point if students take advantage of me?
Journal Entry, June 4, 2002
Today I tried to express how stressed out I was to my students and I started to sob. The room suddenly fell silent, as my tears could not maintain control. As I apologized through my tears, I tried to explain my personal frustration. Things feel so out of control and I feel wacky that I really feel helpless and extremely vulnerable. The MRI is now becoming a reality and it’s becoming too much work to keep people in the loop and I’m even more stressed out about next year! I guess I need to lift all this unto the Gods of the Universe and let it go and trust the process.
Journal Entry, June 9, 2002
Journal Entry, June 4, 2002
Today I tried to express how stressed out I was to my students and I started to sob. The room suddenly fell silent, as my tears could not maintain control. As I apologized through my tears, I tried to explain my personal frustration. Things feel so out of control and I feel wacky that I really feel helpless and extremely vulnerable. The MRI is now becoming a reality and it’s becoming too much work to keep people in the loop and I’m even more stressed out about next year! I guess I need to lift all this unto the Gods of the Universe and let it go and trust the process.
Journal Entry, June 9, 2002
49
It was so nice to visit with Pam and to have her see my students. I also
enjoyed her seeing me teach in my element with my students. I was deeply
touched by the fact that she told the class her life lessons and how one can
take her advice as one of experience and truth. She also shared her Speech
Major experiences to the class and how it has assisted her in her life. Pam
has truly grown as a spiritual being and is a beautiful woman. I think that
despite her divorce, it really has made her a better person and a stronger
individual. She believes in God and how his divine wisdom can help when
no one else can- I am grateful to have her as a friend and that she has
evolved in to a wiser woman.
June 12, 2002: MRI of right breast
Stephanie took the day off and offered to drive me to get my MRI. Mike had to give finals to his seniors so he was unable to come with me this time. However, Stephanie was a great comfort and sat next to me as I was placed in the huge white cylinder. The technicians at this particular office were very personal, friendly and kind. They did not rush me or make me feel uncomfortable about my level of anxiety. It felt like a smooth day and I was getting closer to making a decision about what to do with my breast.
June 13, 2002: MRI Results
June 12, 2002: MRI of right breast
Stephanie took the day off and offered to drive me to get my MRI. Mike had to give finals to his seniors so he was unable to come with me this time. However, Stephanie was a great comfort and sat next to me as I was placed in the huge white cylinder. The technicians at this particular office were very personal, friendly and kind. They did not rush me or make me feel uncomfortable about my level of anxiety. It felt like a smooth day and I was getting closer to making a decision about what to do with my breast.
June 13, 2002: MRI Results
50
51
Veronica called and told me that there was a suspicious area believed to be
more DCIS and that they must take the whole nipple. I decided to have the
mastectomy as originally planned with the reconstruction. We started the
telephone tree again to tell everyone what we were doing on June 25, 2002.
Journal Entry, June 15, 2002: CLAD Test
This test was a bear to take! Although I studied hard for this exam, I just did not have enough time to process all the information. I was extremely stressed out! However, Mike was two rows behind me in the same examination room and he seemed very calm. The important thing to keep in mind is that it is over, school is over and now I can focus on my surgery.
Journal Entry, June 16, 2002: Father’s Day
Today I heard a sea lion barking at the fishermen. It is a beautiful day to be alive and I thank God for my life. Lord, give me the strength to be in the moment, endure the experience and to be as positive as I can. Mom, I thank you for being with me at every moment- for letting me know that I will be okay. I love you, Dad, I send you peace in your heart and that you finally have found happiness. I cannot hate you, I can only feel sorry for you, because you have chosen to look at things as half empty- they will always be- I have filled that cup by looking at life as half full- this is my mantra
telephone tree again to tell everyone what we were doing on June 25, 2002.
Journal Entry, June 15, 2002: CLAD Test
This test was a bear to take! Although I studied hard for this exam, I just did not have enough time to process all the information. I was extremely stressed out! However, Mike was two rows behind me in the same examination room and he seemed very calm. The important thing to keep in mind is that it is over, school is over and now I can focus on my surgery.
Journal Entry, June 16, 2002: Father’s Day
Today I heard a sea lion barking at the fishermen. It is a beautiful day to be alive and I thank God for my life. Lord, give me the strength to be in the moment, endure the experience and to be as positive as I can. Mom, I thank you for being with me at every moment- for letting me know that I will be okay. I love you, Dad, I send you peace in your heart and that you finally have found happiness. I cannot hate you, I can only feel sorry for you, because you have chosen to look at things as half empty- they will always be- I have filled that cup by looking at life as half full- this is my mantra
through life and I plan to live a long one. Thank you God, for giving me
peace in my heart. I only hope to endure more peace, less stress, and to not
take things so personal. My father taught me the value of a job, a paycheck,
how to tell time, and to be a responsible individual. He taught me to be a
hard worker and that I was always harder on myself than anyone he ever
knew. He taught me about fear and that a double standard is normal. He
taught me how to drive and was still afraid to put me behind the wheel
alone. He taught me how to burp, jump off a 35-foot cliff at Comanche and
the coolest thing was that he was there to catch me. He taught me the value
of a curfew and that being totally honest is not always the best policy-
sometimes its best to be quiet and keep some things a secret. I remember
going with Dad on the Disneyland ride, “It’s a Small World” and when I
dropped the six-pack of coke, he took me to the hospital. When we went
swimming, he was very protective. And when I was 18, he said that he
would always love me, no matter what. I know that when he moved to
Hawaii, it was an opportunity to really start his life over again, a new place,
a new life with a new family. Now he has a family with Carol that he can
develop on his own terms and his rules. I do wish the best happiness for
them.
June 19, 2002: MRI of left breast
June 19, 2002: MRI of left breast
52
53
Mike came with me to get the left breast screened and it was a smooth
procedure. The results came back that the left breast was okay and there
were no signs of DCIS in this breast.
June 25, 2002 (Tuesday): Mastectomy with Reconstruction
8am: Laurie met us in Pacifica and gave us special hats that would help the experience go much smoother with optimism and spirit. We left Pacifica with an overnight bag and special crystals.
9:00am – We arrived at the hospital where we were met by the plastic surgeon, Veronica, and the anesthesiologist. The plastic surgeon, Dr. Anthony, assured me that everything was going to be fine. He said, “I am well rested as I have just come back from my honeymoon.” He then took a sharpie and placed some markings on each breast and around my stomach area. When I climbed back into bed, Dr. Anthony double-checked the stomach allotment so that I would be able to sit comfortably. One nurse was having difficulty putting in my I.V. and the continual poking created more anxiety for me than I could take, so I asked her to please have someone else take care of the job. I started to cry because it was hitting me that this would be the last time I would have my breast. I was suddenly scared. My emotions subsided when Mike gave me a hug and Laurie held my hand. They said I was going to be okay.
were no signs of DCIS in this breast.
June 25, 2002 (Tuesday): Mastectomy with Reconstruction
8am: Laurie met us in Pacifica and gave us special hats that would help the experience go much smoother with optimism and spirit. We left Pacifica with an overnight bag and special crystals.
9:00am – We arrived at the hospital where we were met by the plastic surgeon, Veronica, and the anesthesiologist. The plastic surgeon, Dr. Anthony, assured me that everything was going to be fine. He said, “I am well rested as I have just come back from my honeymoon.” He then took a sharpie and placed some markings on each breast and around my stomach area. When I climbed back into bed, Dr. Anthony double-checked the stomach allotment so that I would be able to sit comfortably. One nurse was having difficulty putting in my I.V. and the continual poking created more anxiety for me than I could take, so I asked her to please have someone else take care of the job. I started to cry because it was hitting me that this would be the last time I would have my breast. I was suddenly scared. My emotions subsided when Mike gave me a hug and Laurie held my hand. They said I was going to be okay.
54
10:30am – I was taken into the O.R. and they told Mike and Laurie that I
would be done around 6:00 or 7:00 pm. Jonathan Burke and Pat Cammock
were on their way so that the team could wait in shifts and support each
other. The first hour was with Dr. Esserman (the mastectomy part). Dr.
Anthony would complete the rest of the surgery (the TRAM-flap). The
surgical team started to prepare me for surgery. Dr. Esserman came in and
held my hand and asked me how I was feeling. She then asked if I had a
song request. Traditionally, Dr. Esserman had been known to sing to her
patients during surgery and her specialty was Disney songs. I asked her to
please sing, “A Whole New World.” The connection for me was that Mom
would be with me if she sang that song.
11:10am – Dr. Esserman met with Laurie and said that the team had not started on me yet, but that I had just fallen asleep. They probably would not start until noon. Jonathan came with a care package.
11:45 – Amy, the post-op nurse, spoke to my family and said that she would stay so that I would stay on schedule.
12:30pm – Dr. Esserman came out and said that her part of the procedure was over and that everything went well. Laurie had purchased some more hats for Mike and Jonathan so that their spirit could help with the surgery. 3:00pm – Dr. Anthony came out and said the TRAM-FLAP went well and that it “looks beautiful.” My family would not see me for a while for I was
would be with me if she sang that song.
11:10am – Dr. Esserman met with Laurie and said that the team had not started on me yet, but that I had just fallen asleep. They probably would not start until noon. Jonathan came with a care package.
11:45 – Amy, the post-op nurse, spoke to my family and said that she would stay so that I would stay on schedule.
12:30pm – Dr. Esserman came out and said that her part of the procedure was over and that everything went well. Laurie had purchased some more hats for Mike and Jonathan so that their spirit could help with the surgery. 3:00pm – Dr. Anthony came out and said the TRAM-FLAP went well and that it “looks beautiful.” My family would not see me for a while for I was
55
transferred into recovery. While I was in recovery, I asked Amy if I could
look at my new breast. She adjusted some bandages and gingerly peeled
back the gauze. I saw my new breast and I was so pleased with the results.
Amy also commented on how smooth the skin looked. After a couple of
minutes of viewing the new construction, we packed all the bandages back
and placed several ice packs on my chest to reduce some of the swelling. I
was so happy despite all the tubes, I.V.’s and surgical drains attached to my
extremities. I noticed my left forearm was all black and blue due to the
several punctures placed in my arm earlier that day from the I.V. I looked
like a heroin addict. Amy placed another ice pack on my arm.
3:15pm – Laurie putting the finishing touches on the Ya-Ya hats.
5:30pm – I was released to room 418. According to my support team, I looked good and was given more morphine.
5:45pm – Jaqueline Dunn called and wanted to know how it went with visits. Dr. Hvistendahl, a doctor from Norway, said that I was the first patient in eight years that woke up so perky and with no complications. I believe I asked him, “Hi! I don’t believe I have met you before, my name is Karol-Ann.”
6:00pm – Blood was taken, morphine was given and an epidural was put into place. Everyone was saying how great I looked and what a great
like a heroin addict. Amy placed another ice pack on my arm.
3:15pm – Laurie putting the finishing touches on the Ya-Ya hats.
5:30pm – I was released to room 418. According to my support team, I looked good and was given more morphine.
5:45pm – Jaqueline Dunn called and wanted to know how it went with visits. Dr. Hvistendahl, a doctor from Norway, said that I was the first patient in eight years that woke up so perky and with no complications. I believe I asked him, “Hi! I don’t believe I have met you before, my name is Karol-Ann.”
6:00pm – Blood was taken, morphine was given and an epidural was put into place. Everyone was saying how great I looked and what a great
56
attitude I had. I believe that part of my attitude was experiencing a great
sense of relief. It was over and I could focus on the future.
6:15pm – My dinner was promptly served on a small try filled with several paper cups and ice chips. Laurie created a visitor’s guest book so that people could write messages to me while I was weaving in and out of consciousness.
Some Guest Book Messages
“I love you Karol-Ann! You are an angel and inspiration to me. I will be by your side. Ya-Ya! Love, Laurie”
“I am so proud of you, HASE. You are courageous! VIVACIOUS! Young and beautiful. I love you more than ever. Your HASE.”
“I am so glad that I was able to see your grand return from the recovery. You looked beautiful as ever. Much Love, Jonathan”
“You are so special! It was like you trained for a marathon and won! You look great and I am confident that you will heal in all ways. I love you. Love, Pat”
“You’re all smiles!” - Douglas Everson (Patient care assistant)
“Get Better Soon” - James Holler
7:00pm – I asked Hase to apply some aromatherapy spray on the bed so that I could relax. As he gently spritzed my bed, my nostrils and my stomach began to fail me and I thought I was going to vomit. In about two minutes
sense of relief. It was over and I could focus on the future.
6:15pm – My dinner was promptly served on a small try filled with several paper cups and ice chips. Laurie created a visitor’s guest book so that people could write messages to me while I was weaving in and out of consciousness.
Some Guest Book Messages
“I love you Karol-Ann! You are an angel and inspiration to me. I will be by your side. Ya-Ya! Love, Laurie”
“I am so proud of you, HASE. You are courageous! VIVACIOUS! Young and beautiful. I love you more than ever. Your HASE.”
“I am so glad that I was able to see your grand return from the recovery. You looked beautiful as ever. Much Love, Jonathan”
“You are so special! It was like you trained for a marathon and won! You look great and I am confident that you will heal in all ways. I love you. Love, Pat”
“You’re all smiles!” - Douglas Everson (Patient care assistant)
“Get Better Soon” - James Holler
7:00pm – I asked Hase to apply some aromatherapy spray on the bed so that I could relax. As he gently spritzed my bed, my nostrils and my stomach began to fail me and I thought I was going to vomit. In about two minutes
57
Mike Miraki, the swing RN, came in with a shot that cured my desire to
throw-up. I told Hase to pack away the spray until we got home. Mike was
a great nurse and a wonderful, caring person who was never annoyed by my
frequent requests of care, including some embarrassing feminine needs. 8:00pm – I was encouraged to go to sleep, but I wanted to be a part of the conversation. Veronica, Dr. Anthony and Dr. Esserman all made their rounds and told me I was a great patient. Tomorrow they wanted me to start get out of bed and try to walk.
9:00pm – Carol brought a special meal for Mike.
11:00pm – My surgical drains were emptied and documented by Douglas. Mike and I tried to get comfortable with pillows and settle in for a good night sleep. Mike moved some things around and placed the fold down bed right next to my bed. He held my hand until I dozed off.
Wednesday, June 26, 2001
2:00am – My surgical drains were emptied and documented. I met the evening attendant.
6:00am – Surgical drains emptied.
8:00am – Breakfast ice chips and vitals checked.
9:00am – Sponge bath, drains emptied, brushed teeth and fixed hair. Hase was trained on how to do the drains. We met Roshone, the day nurse. She said I would be getting up soon. She noted that my epidural was running
frequent requests of care, including some embarrassing feminine needs. 8:00pm – I was encouraged to go to sleep, but I wanted to be a part of the conversation. Veronica, Dr. Anthony and Dr. Esserman all made their rounds and told me I was a great patient. Tomorrow they wanted me to start get out of bed and try to walk.
9:00pm – Carol brought a special meal for Mike.
11:00pm – My surgical drains were emptied and documented by Douglas. Mike and I tried to get comfortable with pillows and settle in for a good night sleep. Mike moved some things around and placed the fold down bed right next to my bed. He held my hand until I dozed off.
Wednesday, June 26, 2001
2:00am – My surgical drains were emptied and documented. I met the evening attendant.
6:00am – Surgical drains emptied.
8:00am – Breakfast ice chips and vitals checked.
9:00am – Sponge bath, drains emptied, brushed teeth and fixed hair. Hase was trained on how to do the drains. We met Roshone, the day nurse. She said I would be getting up soon. She noted that my epidural was running
58
low to another nurse and then told me to wait on sitting up. Roshone said
she’d be back.
9:51am – Veronica Shim came by and brought me a bouquet of flowers and checked my bandages.
10:00am – Debby Hamolsky came by and I gave her a pair of earrings that I had made by hand. “Roshone, Mike and James have all been excellent nurses. They have been very attentive, kind and friendly.” - HASE
10:51am - Roshone came in and asked if I was ready to sit up and I said, “Sure.” So she slowly coached me on how I may feel weak and that this is a process. Roshone moved my bed up gradually so that my back was in the upright position. Suddenly the pull in my neck started to feel as if I knife was being etched into my spinal cord. My head started to spin and I felt as if I was going to vomit. My head was spiraling and I felt that soon I would faint from the extreme discomfort and the position of my body. I started to cry and became frightened that I had no control of my body. I couldn’t even sit up in my bed. The nurses talked more about the epidural and the need to get confirmation from the pharmacy and I was losing the context of the conversation. I felt incredibly weak and helpless in a matter of minutes. “What is wrong with me? I was feeling fine last night!”
The team decided to wait on the “sitting” up when I felt stronger, so they let me rest for a while. “K-A’s having difficulty sitting up without pain and
she’d be back.
9:51am – Veronica Shim came by and brought me a bouquet of flowers and checked my bandages.
10:00am – Debby Hamolsky came by and I gave her a pair of earrings that I had made by hand. “Roshone, Mike and James have all been excellent nurses. They have been very attentive, kind and friendly.” - HASE
10:51am - Roshone came in and asked if I was ready to sit up and I said, “Sure.” So she slowly coached me on how I may feel weak and that this is a process. Roshone moved my bed up gradually so that my back was in the upright position. Suddenly the pull in my neck started to feel as if I knife was being etched into my spinal cord. My head started to spin and I felt as if I was going to vomit. My head was spiraling and I felt that soon I would faint from the extreme discomfort and the position of my body. I started to cry and became frightened that I had no control of my body. I couldn’t even sit up in my bed. The nurses talked more about the epidural and the need to get confirmation from the pharmacy and I was losing the context of the conversation. I felt incredibly weak and helpless in a matter of minutes. “What is wrong with me? I was feeling fine last night!”
The team decided to wait on the “sitting” up when I felt stronger, so they let me rest for a while. “K-A’s having difficulty sitting up without pain and
59
nausea. So we agreed to slow the process down a bit, trying again in an
hour. Dr. Esserman told K-A, “Don’t be a hero, this isn’t a race.” She also
said she loved the card K-A gave her.
11:00am – Laurie sent an email to family and friends about June 25, 2002, the day of the surgery. She took some telephone messages.
Telephone Messages
“We love you and will call later today.” - Uncle Don and Aunt Sue “You are in my prayers.” – Erin Porterfield
“We are thinking of you.” – Kate Wissen Bach & Lynne Porterfield
11:30am – Erik and Zack Migdail came by to say hello- I was still very weak. Ice chips for lunch. I can drink very little sips of water, but not the whole glass.
12:00 noon – Roberto and Gabrielle Vetrone came by to say hello and they bought me a beautiful robe!
2:00 pm – “You look great. Wouldn’t know that you are recovering right now. (sleeping away). “ Love, Phil and Stephanie
2:45 pm – Julie called and said she’s thinking of me.
3:45 pm – Pat Cammock visit.
5:25 pm – “Karol-Ann sat up, took off the leggings and oxygen, stood up and sat in the cushy, dusty rose chair. She sat in for 35 minutes! A new world record as reported by Hase.”
said she loved the card K-A gave her.
11:00am – Laurie sent an email to family and friends about June 25, 2002, the day of the surgery. She took some telephone messages.
Telephone Messages
“We love you and will call later today.” - Uncle Don and Aunt Sue “You are in my prayers.” – Erin Porterfield
“We are thinking of you.” – Kate Wissen Bach & Lynne Porterfield
11:30am – Erik and Zack Migdail came by to say hello- I was still very weak. Ice chips for lunch. I can drink very little sips of water, but not the whole glass.
12:00 noon – Roberto and Gabrielle Vetrone came by to say hello and they bought me a beautiful robe!
2:00 pm – “You look great. Wouldn’t know that you are recovering right now. (sleeping away). “ Love, Phil and Stephanie
2:45 pm – Julie called and said she’s thinking of me.
3:45 pm – Pat Cammock visit.
5:25 pm – “Karol-Ann sat up, took off the leggings and oxygen, stood up and sat in the cushy, dusty rose chair. She sat in for 35 minutes! A new world record as reported by Hase.”
6:00pm – Dinner: More ice chips and water.
7:00 pm – “I’m thinking about you and praying for your speedy recovery.” Love you, Bridgett Sullivan
“You’re looking great! My thoughts are with you guys!” Much love, Anne Sullivan
8:15 pm – Closing out visitor’s hours! “Brightest and warmest wishes for a speedy recovery!” Love and Kisses, Bella and Carol
11:00 pm – Drains done by Hase with the nurse supervising.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
10:00am – Started taking short walks in the hall.
11:30am – “Nice to see you resting so comfortably...oops, here comes lunch...clear blue liquid, mmm, and Popsicle!” XO, Jonathan
7:00 pm – “I’m thinking about you and praying for your speedy recovery.” Love you, Bridgett Sullivan
“You’re looking great! My thoughts are with you guys!” Much love, Anne Sullivan
8:15 pm – Closing out visitor’s hours! “Brightest and warmest wishes for a speedy recovery!” Love and Kisses, Bella and Carol
11:00 pm – Drains done by Hase with the nurse supervising.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
10:00am – Started taking short walks in the hall.
11:30am – “Nice to see you resting so comfortably...oops, here comes lunch...clear blue liquid, mmm, and Popsicle!” XO, Jonathan
-
“We love you! We will call later and try to see you on Saturday or
Sunday. No need to hospitalize Tammy for her allergies.” -Uncle
Jeff and Lana
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“I give you a big kiss. I will try to come by today or early next week
in Pacifica.” – Julie
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“I wanted to make sure you are doing well, you are in my prayers.” –
Nancy
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“Checking in with you again.” – Erik
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12:30 pm – “I sit here and watch my little sister sleep like an angel. She has
her crystals clutched in her hand. She appears to have more tubes in her
than an automobile engine. Her hair is pulled up in a bun, much like she
wore it as a child- and this is what strikes me- she looks six years old again,
but this isn’t tubes in her ears, or stitches in her knee. This is much bigger
than that. She’s beautiful even under these circumstances. She has the
strength and courage of several people. Rest little angel, rest.” -LJ
12:55pm – Phil Doherty came by with a little stuffed puppy. He said he really wanted to see me and that he was praying for me. As he left he said, “I love you.”
2:00 pm – “Hope you enjoy the Sea Wolf. We are reminiscing about our hospital stays-didn’t enjoy being hooked-up to machines. We wish you all out love and look forward to your fast recovery and looking back on this from the future.” Love, Bev and Vin
3:00 pm – Danny Lanzetta called. “She’s a trooper! I love you.”
Laurie’s reading: Divine Guidance, Choice #33 and Abundance.
4:00 pm – Mike went to the gym to do a small work out. The hospital is giving him cabin fever.
5:00 pm – “Glad to see you’re doing so well, we all knew you would! You look great! I am so happy to see you smiling as you always do.” Love You, Stefano and Didem
strength and courage of several people. Rest little angel, rest.” -LJ
12:55pm – Phil Doherty came by with a little stuffed puppy. He said he really wanted to see me and that he was praying for me. As he left he said, “I love you.”
2:00 pm – “Hope you enjoy the Sea Wolf. We are reminiscing about our hospital stays-didn’t enjoy being hooked-up to machines. We wish you all out love and look forward to your fast recovery and looking back on this from the future.” Love, Bev and Vin
3:00 pm – Danny Lanzetta called. “She’s a trooper! I love you.”
Laurie’s reading: Divine Guidance, Choice #33 and Abundance.
4:00 pm – Mike went to the gym to do a small work out. The hospital is giving him cabin fever.
5:00 pm – “Glad to see you’re doing so well, we all knew you would! You look great! I am so happy to see you smiling as you always do.” Love You, Stefano and Didem
5:30 pm – Chicken broth and JELL-O dinner.
7:30 pm – Michelle and Pete came to the hospital with Hase’s dinner and a nice bottle of wine. I had grape juice. They got to meet Dr. Esserman and Veronica Shim.
Friday, June 28, 2002
2:00 am – “Hi Karol, Your pleasant smile inspire me more to do my job. Very few people can smile sweetly and be respectful at 2:00 am. You and your husband are a very special couple. Both of you are very pleasant and respectful even when awaken to check how your doing. Thank you for being a kind, respectful person that you two are. It makes us feel good too knowing a lot of times nurses some and check point in an unholy hour. It is a joy taking care of you.” –Estillitta (4E RN)
4:20 am – In the left corner of my room I see a glow around all of the flower arrangements. Mike is sleeping soundly. I see Shari’s Mom and I also seem to be thinking of Shu-Shu. There seems to be a connection with Shari’a Mom, Shu-Shu and my Mom. I am feeling it all these energies. Mike’s flowers give me power – they are a part of me. My Mom starts to talk to me, she says, “Food is very important. Remember, you have the power to heal yourself.” “You must speak to Helene and Pam when you get out of the hospital.” Now my Mom is talking weird stuff. She says, “I actually slept with John Denver and James Taylor.”
7:30 pm – Michelle and Pete came to the hospital with Hase’s dinner and a nice bottle of wine. I had grape juice. They got to meet Dr. Esserman and Veronica Shim.
Friday, June 28, 2002
2:00 am – “Hi Karol, Your pleasant smile inspire me more to do my job. Very few people can smile sweetly and be respectful at 2:00 am. You and your husband are a very special couple. Both of you are very pleasant and respectful even when awaken to check how your doing. Thank you for being a kind, respectful person that you two are. It makes us feel good too knowing a lot of times nurses some and check point in an unholy hour. It is a joy taking care of you.” –Estillitta (4E RN)
4:20 am – In the left corner of my room I see a glow around all of the flower arrangements. Mike is sleeping soundly. I see Shari’s Mom and I also seem to be thinking of Shu-Shu. There seems to be a connection with Shari’a Mom, Shu-Shu and my Mom. I am feeling it all these energies. Mike’s flowers give me power – they are a part of me. My Mom starts to talk to me, she says, “Food is very important. Remember, you have the power to heal yourself.” “You must speak to Helene and Pam when you get out of the hospital.” Now my Mom is talking weird stuff. She says, “I actually slept with John Denver and James Taylor.”
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Mom is giving me encouragement and guiding me where to put my
hands to heal myself. Her direction and love is a force going through
me, but I also feel it is my life force that is working through my
vessels.
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Jeff’s energy will help tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere and I hope
Jeff’s heart surgery goes well.
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Pam- I need to call her- there is a flow coming again. This energy
involves her son and other relatives.
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I feel good stuff about Papas on Papas Day.
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Mom- so many thoughts, but she needs to be here- she is as close as
she can be, yes she is here.
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Billy- he is in Spain- I feel his love and I think if he saw all of this, he
might get queasy. Everything happens for a reason. He can sense this
time right now.
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Helene – Send her peace. Beyond friendship, I lift her up and thank
you for magnets in this world. My magnets are Curtis Brown and Mom. Just focus on the magnets. They will keep you connected, always.
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Laurie – Please allow her to take care of herself first. Do not allow
her to lose out on her life opportunities because of mine. Remember,
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it’s only temporary- please don’t cancel any other appointments
because of me- I can handle it.
9:00 am – “Good luck! You are a great patient!” - Ronnie Lu (Anesthesia) 10:00 am – Increased my walking along the halls with I.V. stand. Hase walked with me.
3:00 pm – Mike went to the gym while I slept.
4:00 pm – “Karol-Ann, what can I possibly say? Working with you these past three days has been a delight. You are very special and such a wonderful person. Your positive attitude and energy is definitely
because of me- I can handle it.
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“It’s A Wonderful Life” by Karol-Ann: I am happy I was born. I
love my husband. I love it when teenagers shake my hand. I love coffee nips and don’t feel guilty eating the whole box. I love that I have the ability to heal my own body. I love that if I were to die today I would die a happy human being knowing that I was loved and important to society. I am blessed to realize so early in my life so that I have no room for regrets. I only want to do more.
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Shari – I feel your spirit HERE. For the last 24 hours solidly here,
with my prayers and blessings. Thank you for not erasing me.
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Yellow lights are flashing before me in my brain- Mom you are here!
Am I connected with these thoughts spiritually or is it the drugs?
9:00 am – “Good luck! You are a great patient!” - Ronnie Lu (Anesthesia) 10:00 am – Increased my walking along the halls with I.V. stand. Hase walked with me.
3:00 pm – Mike went to the gym while I slept.
4:00 pm – “Karol-Ann, what can I possibly say? Working with you these past three days has been a delight. You are very special and such a wonderful person. Your positive attitude and energy is definitely
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contagious! I will continue to keep you and your great husband in my
thoughts and prayers. Tell your sister my prayers are with her also. God
bless and take care or yourself.” – Roshone Keep in touch! 4:21 pm – Telephone voice mail calls:
bless and take care or yourself.” – Roshone Keep in touch! 4:21 pm – Telephone voice mail calls:
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Mike Taylor – “Couldn’t get through- hope all is well. I’ll try
tomorrow.
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Anne Rotkewicz – “I heard the operation went well. Call me
whenever. I know this was probably a tough day for both of you.”
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Shari Adams – “This is Shari.”
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Mama Coleman – “Just checking in with you.”
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Danny Lanzetta – “Didn’t want to bother you, but I am thinking of
you.”
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Tom Beyer – “I’m calling from Long Island, how are you?”
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Billy – “This is Billy, I’m in Madrid. I’m calling to see how you
are.”
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Aunt Sue – “You are in my thoughts.”
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Anne Sperbeck – “I’m thinking of you.”
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Chili Eichenger – “Hope all is well.”
4:45 pm – “Karol-Ann, As I mentioned you were my very first surgical patient which would have made you somewhat memorable- but I will remember you more as a vibrant and inspirational woman. You have offered
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so much of yourself to me in your stories, in just a few short visits. Every
morning, when I presented your case to the team of medical students, I was
forced to describe you in strict surgical presentation fashion: “36 year old
woman status post right modified mastectomy with reconstruction” yet in
my heart I knew I was talking about Karol-Ann, a wonderful teacher, loving
wife, and giving individual. I cannot thank you enough and I wish you the
best of luck as you progress through life.” - Rachel Lynn, medical student,
third year
5:00 pm – Full dinner
Saturday, June 29, 2002: Departure Day
9:00 am – Had a full breakfast with juice, toast, boiled egg and coffee.
9:30 am – Took a longer walk in the hall.
10:00 am – Sponge bath, brushed teeth, changed gown, emptied drains, brushed my hair and waited to be released.
11:00am – Besty Kurtenbach came by with flowers and lotions.
12:30 pm – We were released and went home.
1:30 pm – Coming home was stressful because the roles that Mike and I were used to doing before the surgery had obviously been changed. We both realized this when it was too late for us to stop and discuss our feelings. Mike was feeling overwhelmed with the dozens and dozens of flowers, all the medications, setting up the bed and cooking the meals. I could not do
third year
5:00 pm – Full dinner
Saturday, June 29, 2002: Departure Day
9:00 am – Had a full breakfast with juice, toast, boiled egg and coffee.
9:30 am – Took a longer walk in the hall.
10:00 am – Sponge bath, brushed teeth, changed gown, emptied drains, brushed my hair and waited to be released.
11:00am – Besty Kurtenbach came by with flowers and lotions.
12:30 pm – We were released and went home.
1:30 pm – Coming home was stressful because the roles that Mike and I were used to doing before the surgery had obviously been changed. We both realized this when it was too late for us to stop and discuss our feelings. Mike was feeling overwhelmed with the dozens and dozens of flowers, all the medications, setting up the bed and cooking the meals. I could not do
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much because I still had three surgical tubes in my body and I was beginning
to feel dizzy. Once we figured out that we needed to make some
adjustments we both met each other with hugs and apologies. We re-
established the new responsibilities in our home so that neither of us would
be stressed out. We went through the piles and piles of mail and the stems
of flowers and created some order in the house. Mike had to clean the house
because the cat hair had developed into a heavy layers. Lorretta washed my
hair at C’est Ci Bon and I felt refreshed.
Recovery at Home Begins
July 3, 2002: Plastic Surgeon Check-up
The plastic surgeon, Dr. Anthony, saw my results and was extremely pleased with how everything was healing and so quickly. They decided to remove one of the three surgical drains. One drain from my abdomen was removed, but I was still not allowed to take a shower. I was instructed to continue the sponge baths.
Journal Entry, July 4, 2002
Laurie, Mike and I went to my Mom’s grave and put beautiful flowers on her stone. We also put flowers on Nanny’s grave. I thanked both of them for looking out for me at the hospital. I felt at ease seeing the stones this time because I felt them so close to me all week. Cyri came by for a visit at our
hair at C’est Ci Bon and I felt refreshed.
Recovery at Home Begins
July 3, 2002: Plastic Surgeon Check-up
The plastic surgeon, Dr. Anthony, saw my results and was extremely pleased with how everything was healing and so quickly. They decided to remove one of the three surgical drains. One drain from my abdomen was removed, but I was still not allowed to take a shower. I was instructed to continue the sponge baths.
Journal Entry, July 4, 2002
Laurie, Mike and I went to my Mom’s grave and put beautiful flowers on her stone. We also put flowers on Nanny’s grave. I thanked both of them for looking out for me at the hospital. I felt at ease seeing the stones this time because I felt them so close to me all week. Cyri came by for a visit at our
home and then Danny came by as well. We had a wonderful meal with
swordfish and vegetables. Laurie brought Rocky over and we all had a nice
meal. I am grateful to have such wonderful family and friends. Happy
Birthday Mom!
Journal Entry, July 7, 2002: Post-Op of Mastectomy
After waiting two hours in the doctor’s office, Dr. Esserman asked me, “How is my favorite patient?” I found myself feeling that comment was worth the wait. She looked at my old scabs and said I was healing well. “Everything looks great!” She took out the remaining surgical tubes and said that I could take a shower the following day. Yippee! It had been thirteen days since I had felt the beads of fresh water dripping down by back and shampoo traditionally rinsed in my hair. Dr. Esserman wanted to see me in three months and schedule to see Debbie in three weeks. I still feel very tight and some discomfort, but I guess I will be feeling this way for a while. Dr. Esserman says, “First of all, less than two weeks ago, we opened up your body, pulled some things around, moved this over here, so, yes, you are going to be a little tight and slow. However, you’ll be about 80% at the end of July, 90% in two months, and 100% in six months.”
Journal Entry, Weird July Dreams
1) I witnessed a murder at night by an indoor pool. It was dark and mysterious and I was really scared the murderers would find me.
Journal Entry, July 7, 2002: Post-Op of Mastectomy
After waiting two hours in the doctor’s office, Dr. Esserman asked me, “How is my favorite patient?” I found myself feeling that comment was worth the wait. She looked at my old scabs and said I was healing well. “Everything looks great!” She took out the remaining surgical tubes and said that I could take a shower the following day. Yippee! It had been thirteen days since I had felt the beads of fresh water dripping down by back and shampoo traditionally rinsed in my hair. Dr. Esserman wanted to see me in three months and schedule to see Debbie in three weeks. I still feel very tight and some discomfort, but I guess I will be feeling this way for a while. Dr. Esserman says, “First of all, less than two weeks ago, we opened up your body, pulled some things around, moved this over here, so, yes, you are going to be a little tight and slow. However, you’ll be about 80% at the end of July, 90% in two months, and 100% in six months.”
Journal Entry, Weird July Dreams
1) I witnessed a murder at night by an indoor pool. It was dark and mysterious and I was really scared the murderers would find me.
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2) I was on a plane and it was hi-jacked. Very scary and tense situation.
The plane was extremely bare because they were going to deep clean
the plane when we landed.
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3) I went undercover with Jean-Claude Van Damme and I could not tell
anyone that I was leaving the country or when I would be back and I
certainly could not tell anyone that I was going undercover! I was so
scared because I felt as if I was running away from something or
someone.
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4) I was trying to fit in with these very pretty and popular girls by being
funny and friendly. It worked to a point, but one girl shot me down
and then I knew when to leave the situation.
This visit was brief but I so enjoyed it. Katie, who used to be a bay area native, was now living in Ohio and came to California for a “girl’s weekend.” Katie and her friend Pam came over and we drank tea, walked and looked at the local antique street fair along Pacifica’s main strip. Katie said, “You look fine! You are walking around and you look normal!” Comments like these always made me feel good even though I still felt that my body was perversely disfigured and scared.
July 16, 2002: DCIS Group Post-Mastectomy
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My recovering body was stiff and still being medicated with some
painkillers, but it was important to me to come to this session and share my
experience. I was welcomed with such praise and support about how great I
looked. There was some time given to me to share my experience and all I
could say was how great everyone was from the medical technicians to the
specialized surgeons. In addition, I had no idea that I was so loved and
cherished as a human being. Although it appears to be a redundant theme, I
really am a lucky, fortunate person to have so much love around me! Sleeping
Another big challenge I had once I slowly decreased my pain medicine was getting enough rest. I found it very difficult to get comfortable despite my oversized pillow wedge, a buckwheat pillow, a body pillow and three down pillows. For a period of three weeks I had to sleep propped up just to have some kind of comfort. Moving my body was painful too because it required much abdominal and arm strength to position my body. Some nights I would just look up at the ceiling and cry myself to sleep because I could not get comfortable. I just kept saying to myself, “I release all doubts and fears, I release all doubts and fears.”
Journal Entry, July 18, 2002
I am in my third week of recovery and I feel a tremendous sense of sadness. I am getting cabin fever and I am not sure how to deal with it. Mike has
really am a lucky, fortunate person to have so much love around me! Sleeping
Another big challenge I had once I slowly decreased my pain medicine was getting enough rest. I found it very difficult to get comfortable despite my oversized pillow wedge, a buckwheat pillow, a body pillow and three down pillows. For a period of three weeks I had to sleep propped up just to have some kind of comfort. Moving my body was painful too because it required much abdominal and arm strength to position my body. Some nights I would just look up at the ceiling and cry myself to sleep because I could not get comfortable. I just kept saying to myself, “I release all doubts and fears, I release all doubts and fears.”
Journal Entry, July 18, 2002
I am in my third week of recovery and I feel a tremendous sense of sadness. I am getting cabin fever and I am not sure how to deal with it. Mike has
been great, I am beginning to call him Saint Michael. He is constantly
taking care of me and making sure I am getting everything I need. He gives
me an amazing sense of comfort. Being in recovery is weird for me- it’s like
I want things to get back to “normal”, but I don’t know where to begin. I
have had a really bad cold for a couple of weeks and that has brought me
down even more. I am doing well with my physical therapy and I hope to
have full range of motion soon. God, help me to be strong and soon get out
of this “funk” so that I can feel human again. In my therapy group everyone
explained their part of depression, sadness or “sense of loss” so I felt
validated, but I didn’t feel any better. The phone calls stop and one is left
alone to deal with this thing that you used to have. Now you are someone
who had cancer. I want to release all my doubts and fears please- I want to
release all my doubts and fears please- I release all doubts and fears.
Journal Entry, July, 19, 2002
I think I am slowly getting out of my sadness. I just don’t quite feel myself and I suppose that is one source of my sadness - Hase has been great! I am so lucky to have him around.
Journal Entry, July 21, 2002
Journal Entry, July, 19, 2002
I think I am slowly getting out of my sadness. I just don’t quite feel myself and I suppose that is one source of my sadness - Hase has been great! I am so lucky to have him around.
Journal Entry, July 21, 2002
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Tonight I saw my husband cry and that’s another reason why I love him so
much. He’s not afraid to cry or show emotion and share it with me. Today I
feel about 70% me. Last week I felt more like 40% because of my cold. I
am looking forward to going away for a couple of days.
Journal Entry, July 23, 2002
I am in sunny Sonoma! There is a nice, cool breeze coming through and I feel like my energy being rejuvenated. I am so grateful to be able to come to this place and feel so much joy. Nature is all around me and I am comfortable. All is well- I am feeling better, happier, stronger and capable of a full recovery!
My July Mantra:
I lift this next year to you when it comes to my job at South City and my role as a student at San Francisco State. Give me the wisdom and patience I need to be successful and not to be too stressed out about the things I need to do to get on track. Allow me the luxury of staying true to myself and balancing my workload with my personal life and taking time every day to exercise and eat right. I feel I have been given a second chance to change my walk and journey through a disease that could have been much worse. I know I sound so redundant, but I am so grateful to be where I am. I am so lucky!
Journal Entry July 24, 2002
Journal Entry, July 23, 2002
I am in sunny Sonoma! There is a nice, cool breeze coming through and I feel like my energy being rejuvenated. I am so grateful to be able to come to this place and feel so much joy. Nature is all around me and I am comfortable. All is well- I am feeling better, happier, stronger and capable of a full recovery!
My July Mantra:
I lift this next year to you when it comes to my job at South City and my role as a student at San Francisco State. Give me the wisdom and patience I need to be successful and not to be too stressed out about the things I need to do to get on track. Allow me the luxury of staying true to myself and balancing my workload with my personal life and taking time every day to exercise and eat right. I feel I have been given a second chance to change my walk and journey through a disease that could have been much worse. I know I sound so redundant, but I am so grateful to be where I am. I am so lucky!
Journal Entry July 24, 2002
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In reflection of my DCIS experience, I can only see all the major positive
ways this dis-ease has changed my life:
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I want to be healthier more than ever in my life.
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What I took so seriously in my world, I am beginning to release and
let it go in a very healthy way.
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I love my job, but it is no longer my life. My job no longer defines me
as my worth of a person.
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My spirit now defines me as a person and the wonderful people in my
life make me more successful and happier.
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I have a greater appreciation for the things we do on a daily basis
like: walking, eating, lifting my own body independently, going to the
bathroom, and taking a shower!
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I am truly loved- I don’t need a funeral!
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It brought people together.
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It motivated others to become advocates of their health.
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No rush with my credential deadlines or Masters because I have my
life to live!
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The image of my body has greatly improved- I am beautiful with all
my curves and softness.
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Being active and making exercise a daily part of my life has changed
the way I see others and myself.
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Feng Shui
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Balancing my personal life and my career.
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Prayer and blessing the meals we eat every day.
Journal Entry, July 25, 2002
Today it’s been a month since my surgery and I am feeling better about my life and my direction for school. Timing is everything! It really is and I think that I can do this Masters thing! I think I only have to take three more classes and I’ll be done! I think whatever happens- it’s “all good” and I don’t have to be in a hurry to do anything. I had a long talk with Laurie and she sounds really great and very happy that she has a job! I am going to do some more reading and relaxing- I am so glad that I am feeling so much better.
July 31, 2002: Flexibility Check and Nipple Reconstruction
I met briefly with Debby Hamolsky and she was impressed with how flexible I was just shortly after surgery. She referred me to a physical therapist that would assist me with more flexibility. She instructed me to continue my own personal therapy and continue to walk every day. She said I looked great! The next visit was at Dr. Anthony’s office where he created a nipple for my right breast. Although I did not feel a thing, the procedure
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did produce a lot of blood. It was amazing to me that the small patch of skin
that was taken from my stomach was now being literally sculpted and
stitched into a realistic nipple. Dr. Anthony told me to return next week so
he could make sure there was no infection.
August 1, 2002: Lunch with the Ladies
Sharon, Jenna, Kim, Kendra and her two kids met me for lunch in Pacifica just to catch up on each other. I felt so incredibly loved and grateful to have so many special friends at a place called “work.” How many people get to work at a place they enjoy AND have friends who work there? I am so lucky! At one point during the lunch Kendra said, “You look so great, it doesn’t even look like you went through major surgery!”
Journal Entry, August 3, 2002
I cannot believe that we are now into August. So much has happened this week including getting my nipple reconstructed. Today Mike and I got the results from the CLAD tests and I failed all three! I was so sad to see my results and started to sink into a state of depression. Mike passed all three sections and he didn’t even study! In order to get my mind off of my failure, I rearranged both closets in the bedroom and called both Sharon and Jenna to give me the “pep” talk.
August 4, 2002: Jeff Applegate’s visit
he could make sure there was no infection.
August 1, 2002: Lunch with the Ladies
Sharon, Jenna, Kim, Kendra and her two kids met me for lunch in Pacifica just to catch up on each other. I felt so incredibly loved and grateful to have so many special friends at a place called “work.” How many people get to work at a place they enjoy AND have friends who work there? I am so lucky! At one point during the lunch Kendra said, “You look so great, it doesn’t even look like you went through major surgery!”
Journal Entry, August 3, 2002
I cannot believe that we are now into August. So much has happened this week including getting my nipple reconstructed. Today Mike and I got the results from the CLAD tests and I failed all three! I was so sad to see my results and started to sink into a state of depression. Mike passed all three sections and he didn’t even study! In order to get my mind off of my failure, I rearranged both closets in the bedroom and called both Sharon and Jenna to give me the “pep” talk.
August 4, 2002: Jeff Applegate’s visit
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Hase and I drove into the city and picked up Jeff and his partner, Kevin. We
went and had a great dinner in Pacifica called Nick’s. We then went on a
long walk along the sea wall and had a cozy BBQ for dinner. We stayed up
very late that night just catching up on every little detail of our lives and we
had not laughed that hard in so long.
Journal Entry, August 6, 2002
I stopped by the fourth floor before my DCIS group and I was able to speak with Doug and Roshone! They both totally remembered my name and hugged me. They both said that I was real special and I would be a hard person to forget. Mike, one of the RN’s, was off that day, but he won employee of the month! Both Doug and Roshone asked about Hase and my sister and expressed kind words about both of them. I was so touched by the warmth and attention that was given to me. I told Roshone that my book is half way done and I will make sure she has a copy of it. After my DCIS group I met the English department at a cute restaurant in Noe Valley and it was great to see Sharon, Jenna, Chantel, Juanita, JP, JP’s wife, and their baby, Mia.
August 7, 2002: Check-in Visit with Dr. Anthony
Dr. Anthony looked at the week old nipple and determined it was healing quickly and nicely. He said I was fine to go swimming in the lake and that there is no need to worry about infection. He wished Mike and I a relaxing
had not laughed that hard in so long.
Journal Entry, August 6, 2002
I stopped by the fourth floor before my DCIS group and I was able to speak with Doug and Roshone! They both totally remembered my name and hugged me. They both said that I was real special and I would be a hard person to forget. Mike, one of the RN’s, was off that day, but he won employee of the month! Both Doug and Roshone asked about Hase and my sister and expressed kind words about both of them. I was so touched by the warmth and attention that was given to me. I told Roshone that my book is half way done and I will make sure she has a copy of it. After my DCIS group I met the English department at a cute restaurant in Noe Valley and it was great to see Sharon, Jenna, Chantel, Juanita, JP, JP’s wife, and their baby, Mia.
August 7, 2002: Check-in Visit with Dr. Anthony
Dr. Anthony looked at the week old nipple and determined it was healing quickly and nicely. He said I was fine to go swimming in the lake and that there is no need to worry about infection. He wished Mike and I a relaxing
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trip in Tahoe and told us to schedule the final appointment in about four
weeks. This final appointment would complete the stages of the
reconstruction, the nipple tattoo, and I could feel complete again.
Journal Entry, August 8, 2002
Today Mike and I are in King’s Beach, Tahoe. We arrived yesterday afternoon where we went shopping for a bathing suit, went on a short walk and then we took a dip in the Lake! It was so refreshing! We then had dinner at Jason’s and watched our television shows like: The West Wing and Law and Order. We woke up early today and walked four miles along the Rubicon Trail and it was beautiful! I think this was the first long haul I have taken since the surgery. Then we sat on the beach for a couple of hours, reading and dipping in the water, and now we are off to dinner.
Journal Entry, August 9, 2002
Jason’s restaurant was even better the second time around- The first night in King’s Beach we had chicken strips, fish and chips, access to the salad bar and some ice cream for dessert. Last night we each had a salad. Mike ordered the shrimp and scallop garlic cream pasta entrée and I had chicken teriyaki and it was delicious! After our meal, we played a round of miniature golf and we had such a great time! The night was comfortably cool and the sky was colored with sherbet shades of vanilla, orange and crimson. We settled in our little Sea and Sand nest and watched a Law and
reconstruction, the nipple tattoo, and I could feel complete again.
Journal Entry, August 8, 2002
Today Mike and I are in King’s Beach, Tahoe. We arrived yesterday afternoon where we went shopping for a bathing suit, went on a short walk and then we took a dip in the Lake! It was so refreshing! We then had dinner at Jason’s and watched our television shows like: The West Wing and Law and Order. We woke up early today and walked four miles along the Rubicon Trail and it was beautiful! I think this was the first long haul I have taken since the surgery. Then we sat on the beach for a couple of hours, reading and dipping in the water, and now we are off to dinner.
Journal Entry, August 9, 2002
Jason’s restaurant was even better the second time around- The first night in King’s Beach we had chicken strips, fish and chips, access to the salad bar and some ice cream for dessert. Last night we each had a salad. Mike ordered the shrimp and scallop garlic cream pasta entrée and I had chicken teriyaki and it was delicious! After our meal, we played a round of miniature golf and we had such a great time! The night was comfortably cool and the sky was colored with sherbet shades of vanilla, orange and crimson. We settled in our little Sea and Sand nest and watched a Law and
Order rerun. Then we each did a little reading from my Jack London book
and Mike’s Chomsky book. We are so blessed that we enjoy such small
pleasures in life. Also, the dream I had last night was really strange. I was
in a department store, trying to buy make-up and other types of cosmetics.
Two attractive women, who appear to know me, said, “She’s gained all of
her weight back.” One girl rolled her eyes when I tried to explain that I did
not lose it the proper way through exercise and diet. I was unable to
convince them that stress and starvation was how I lost the weight. I felt
misunderstood. Then I find myself living in a dorm-type place with many
people. Someone is making sure that I clean up and get everything in order.
Somehow I end up with a skinny, funny, gay man and a very big-boned, tall,
masculine looking woman on the street of a popular area in San Francisco.
We were hanging out on a street corner, not as street people or homeless
people, but I felt like I had no home or no place to live.
I am now in my sixth week of recovery and with each day, I seem to be getting better and getting stronger. When I have a moment to stop and think about how my body feels- I sometimes get sad because I don’t really “feel myself”. It’s strange to be in your own skin and not feel like the same person- physically, spiritually and emotionally I have changed, but all in good, positive, reflective ways. I can only focus on the good things that have come out of the experience. I see clearly things that I guess I could not see
I am now in my sixth week of recovery and with each day, I seem to be getting better and getting stronger. When I have a moment to stop and think about how my body feels- I sometimes get sad because I don’t really “feel myself”. It’s strange to be in your own skin and not feel like the same person- physically, spiritually and emotionally I have changed, but all in good, positive, reflective ways. I can only focus on the good things that have come out of the experience. I see clearly things that I guess I could not see
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before because I had not gone through this particular journey- it’s “ all
good” really.
August 9, 2002: Lake Utica Trip
After our short trip in Tahoe, we drove to Lake Utica to meet our friends at an incredible camping site. We set up camp with Rob, Gabrielle, Michelle, Pete, Stefano, Didem and the Bernath family. Julie and Mark arrived the next day with their son, Benjamin. Mike Taylor and Andy Dale also had arrived late in the evening and started to set up their camp. Mirika and Mike Shaub also arrived who were people I had only met once or twice. Gab was about 8 1/2 months pregnant; Julie and Mirika were about 7 months pregnant. It was interesting to me to witness so many individuals at this site who were willing to take baths in the lake and a crap in the woods! I was so impressed with the courage of these pregnant women who were feeling discomfort and still were having the time of their life. It gave me much inspiration to embrace the same courage and possess the same positive attitude because I no longer felt alone in my recovery. It became a lot easier to take a crap in the woods once I discovered the other women had no problem with the same experience. We all spent the day near the lake swimming, kayaking, and sunbathing. We had an incredible escape! Michelle made me feel so good when she said, “Looking at you right now, you would never know what you have been through this last year and you
August 9, 2002: Lake Utica Trip
After our short trip in Tahoe, we drove to Lake Utica to meet our friends at an incredible camping site. We set up camp with Rob, Gabrielle, Michelle, Pete, Stefano, Didem and the Bernath family. Julie and Mark arrived the next day with their son, Benjamin. Mike Taylor and Andy Dale also had arrived late in the evening and started to set up their camp. Mirika and Mike Shaub also arrived who were people I had only met once or twice. Gab was about 8 1/2 months pregnant; Julie and Mirika were about 7 months pregnant. It was interesting to me to witness so many individuals at this site who were willing to take baths in the lake and a crap in the woods! I was so impressed with the courage of these pregnant women who were feeling discomfort and still were having the time of their life. It gave me much inspiration to embrace the same courage and possess the same positive attitude because I no longer felt alone in my recovery. It became a lot easier to take a crap in the woods once I discovered the other women had no problem with the same experience. We all spent the day near the lake swimming, kayaking, and sunbathing. We had an incredible escape! Michelle made me feel so good when she said, “Looking at you right now, you would never know what you have been through this last year and you
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look great!” I found myself wanting to share the amazing wonders of the
reconstruction of my breast to anyone who was willing to look beyond my
bandages. I was so happy that the reconstruction looked normal that I
needed the extra validation of others to say, “Hey, that looks great!” The
last night Mike and I danced to a song sung by Nat King Cole and for some
reason, we decided our firstborn child would be named Nat King Coleman. August 11, 2002: An ongoing cold and my emotional cliff
I was beginning to accept the fact that my summer was just about getting better. In addition to recovering from major surgery, I found myself catching every single virus every five days. I also seemed to be allergic to all different kinds of dust, hair, flowers, perfume, and the inside of my home. I was battling with my internal tissue healing and my external body appearing to reject any other form of healing. I became very depressed and felt somewhat unable to get out of my sad hole. Through the wonderful world of cable, I could not find comfort in channel switching or movie watching and although I knew I was sad, depressed and lonely and that this emotion would eventually pass, it really sucked being there. The only way I could overcome my depression was to force myself to go on daily walks and I did this two or three times a day. The episodes of “Sex and the City” did help to temporarily subside my depression, but it wasn’t enough because I just wanted to get better! Why couldn’t I just get better and feel better? I
reason, we decided our firstborn child would be named Nat King Coleman. August 11, 2002: An ongoing cold and my emotional cliff
I was beginning to accept the fact that my summer was just about getting better. In addition to recovering from major surgery, I found myself catching every single virus every five days. I also seemed to be allergic to all different kinds of dust, hair, flowers, perfume, and the inside of my home. I was battling with my internal tissue healing and my external body appearing to reject any other form of healing. I became very depressed and felt somewhat unable to get out of my sad hole. Through the wonderful world of cable, I could not find comfort in channel switching or movie watching and although I knew I was sad, depressed and lonely and that this emotion would eventually pass, it really sucked being there. The only way I could overcome my depression was to force myself to go on daily walks and I did this two or three times a day. The episodes of “Sex and the City” did help to temporarily subside my depression, but it wasn’t enough because I just wanted to get better! Why couldn’t I just get better and feel better? I
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felt like I was Wyle E. Coyote in one of those famous cartoons and I am
falling off a cliff trying to grasp on to the small branches that lay along the
steep ledge. But the branches are too weak for me to carry my weight and I
cannot find a strong enough branch to hold on to in order for me to feel
better. I just keep falling...
August 15, 2002: Follow-up with Dr. Esserman
Dr. Esserman greeted us with a ready smile and asked, “How’s my perfect patient?” Dr. Esserman had a new surgeon fellow tailing her lab coat as she rambled off some technical medical terms. When Laura looked at me she gently looked at the reconstruction that Dr. Anthony had done and did not notice that the tattoo was missing. She explained that the reconstruction gets better and better and that soon all this will be behind me. She instructed that she would like to see me in October and to also receive a mammogram. My husband and I hugged her and thanked her again for all of her support. Mike said, “Thanks for taking such good care of my wife.”
August 20, 2002: My personal challenges during therapy
My DCIS group had a couple more sessions left and I noticed that each time we met there was a new person that was introduced to the group. This became very difficult for me to adjust to because I felt more in a position of taking care of the “newbies” in the group instead of dealing with my own doubts, fears, insecurities and how to move on. I also felt that I spoke too
better. I just keep falling...
August 15, 2002: Follow-up with Dr. Esserman
Dr. Esserman greeted us with a ready smile and asked, “How’s my perfect patient?” Dr. Esserman had a new surgeon fellow tailing her lab coat as she rambled off some technical medical terms. When Laura looked at me she gently looked at the reconstruction that Dr. Anthony had done and did not notice that the tattoo was missing. She explained that the reconstruction gets better and better and that soon all this will be behind me. She instructed that she would like to see me in October and to also receive a mammogram. My husband and I hugged her and thanked her again for all of her support. Mike said, “Thanks for taking such good care of my wife.”
August 20, 2002: My personal challenges during therapy
My DCIS group had a couple more sessions left and I noticed that each time we met there was a new person that was introduced to the group. This became very difficult for me to adjust to because I felt more in a position of taking care of the “newbies” in the group instead of dealing with my own doubts, fears, insecurities and how to move on. I also felt that I spoke too
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much in the group and I suppose this was my own insecurity of “what
people might think about me.” I decided to just be in the moment of the 90
minute moment and maintain a positive attitude about the sessions.
August 26, 2002: Non-student Day
This day felt very normal even though I was very tired and overwhelmed by all the things I needed to do to get myself organized. I found myself being asked to introduce new people in our department and our first meeting being held in my room. Was I assuming the role of department chair? Other staff members had the same question. By the end of the day someone else in our department offered to be a co-chair and promised to help me in any way she could. I could use the extra money, but I was worried about the extra responsibility. It would all work out.
September 2, 2002: Our Two-Year Wedding Anniversary
This special day Mike and I went to the Rose Garden and put our rose petals from our wedding along the path of the rose bushes. Mike and I were able to have a nice visit with Vinny and Beverly and their two girls. Phil came over too and we offered to watch Dexter for about ten days. Laurie and I went to Billy’s new place in Piedmont. Although it was a busy day, it did not take away the special celebration we had two years ago.
September 5, 2002: Nipple Tattoo Rescheduled
minute moment and maintain a positive attitude about the sessions.
August 26, 2002: Non-student Day
This day felt very normal even though I was very tired and overwhelmed by all the things I needed to do to get myself organized. I found myself being asked to introduce new people in our department and our first meeting being held in my room. Was I assuming the role of department chair? Other staff members had the same question. By the end of the day someone else in our department offered to be a co-chair and promised to help me in any way she could. I could use the extra money, but I was worried about the extra responsibility. It would all work out.
September 2, 2002: Our Two-Year Wedding Anniversary
This special day Mike and I went to the Rose Garden and put our rose petals from our wedding along the path of the rose bushes. Mike and I were able to have a nice visit with Vinny and Beverly and their two girls. Phil came over too and we offered to watch Dexter for about ten days. Laurie and I went to Billy’s new place in Piedmont. Although it was a busy day, it did not take away the special celebration we had two years ago.
September 5, 2002: Nipple Tattoo Rescheduled
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I received a telephone call from Dr. Anthony’s office that they needed to
reschedule my tattoo appointment due to some insurance bureaucracy. Dr.
Anthony moved his office and started a private practice after my procedure.
I was assured that Dr. Anthony would still assist me and that my insurance
would cover the remaining procedures. The insurance contract had not yet
been renewed so they rescheduled my appointment for October 3rd. The
nipple tattoo would have to wait another month. This was frustrating for me
because I did feel incomplete and at the mercy of an insurance company to
feel more like a woman.
September 7, 2002: Belinis Bike Ride with Friends
Mike and I were invited to go on a bike ride with Patty, Todd, Andy, Pete, Michelle and Michelle’s sister, Diane. The day was incredibly warm, but not uncomfortable. I crashed on my first hill, but was distracted by the cows and the horses not effected by our caravan. At one point the boys wanted to go a little farther and intense ride up another hill. As the boys got lost in the collection of dust, I found myself sharing the reconstruction miracle on my chest with the girls left behind. Once again I heard the positive comments from the ladies about the amazing results of this intense surgery. That night I went to a crazy bar in the city with a bunch of other ladies at work to celebrate Sharon’s birthday. I had a social life. I was going out and enjoying myself. I was wearing a size 10 again!
feel more like a woman.
September 7, 2002: Belinis Bike Ride with Friends
Mike and I were invited to go on a bike ride with Patty, Todd, Andy, Pete, Michelle and Michelle’s sister, Diane. The day was incredibly warm, but not uncomfortable. I crashed on my first hill, but was distracted by the cows and the horses not effected by our caravan. At one point the boys wanted to go a little farther and intense ride up another hill. As the boys got lost in the collection of dust, I found myself sharing the reconstruction miracle on my chest with the girls left behind. Once again I heard the positive comments from the ladies about the amazing results of this intense surgery. That night I went to a crazy bar in the city with a bunch of other ladies at work to celebrate Sharon’s birthday. I had a social life. I was going out and enjoying myself. I was wearing a size 10 again!
September 9, 2002: Physical Therapy
I met my physical therapist for the first time not far from the place I had my mastectomy. The lady was very kind and funny. She commented on my ability to move my arm and the strength I possessed in my abdominal area. She said, “I rarely see this much flexibility in most of my patients, maybe in about 2%.” She instructed me to do some more intense exercises and asked me to come back in two weeks. She said I looked great.
Journal Entry, September 11, 2002
Everyday things seem to get a little easier
Everyday the shattered pieces seam to come together a little easier
I can only embrace the lives around me and only try to reach out to the ones who have found peace.
Today I cried too many times about the lives taken so quickly and, can I say, so “savagely”?
But the only emotion I can feel is the loss of so many fruitful lives.
There is no room in my heart for anger, only forgiveness...
But it will take sometime to mend my lost soul and to make some sense out this pain.
Try to embrace what you cherish most with tearful, hopeful eyes.
September 21, 2002: Mike’s Birthday
I met my physical therapist for the first time not far from the place I had my mastectomy. The lady was very kind and funny. She commented on my ability to move my arm and the strength I possessed in my abdominal area. She said, “I rarely see this much flexibility in most of my patients, maybe in about 2%.” She instructed me to do some more intense exercises and asked me to come back in two weeks. She said I looked great.
Journal Entry, September 11, 2002
Everyday things seem to get a little easier
Everyday the shattered pieces seam to come together a little easier
I can only embrace the lives around me and only try to reach out to the ones who have found peace.
Today I cried too many times about the lives taken so quickly and, can I say, so “savagely”?
But the only emotion I can feel is the loss of so many fruitful lives.
There is no room in my heart for anger, only forgiveness...
But it will take sometime to mend my lost soul and to make some sense out this pain.
Try to embrace what you cherish most with tearful, hopeful eyes.
September 21, 2002: Mike’s Birthday
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Mike had a wonderful celebration at our place where we had a BBQ and lots
of carrot cake. Mike went on a fun ride with some friends and soaked up
many rays of sunshine. Friends and family came in and visited with each
other throughout the whole day. Once again, we were reminded how
fortunate we are to have so much love around us. Didem and Stefano
announced that they were pregnant!
September 23, 2003: Physical Therapy and Veronica Shim
This therapy session was considered my last because I had exceeded the goals and I had achieved full flexibility. I was quickly dismissed from the session and commended for being so dedicated. I met Veronica for coffee and we spoke about my last session and what to do next. She said I looked great and wanted to know how my school year was. She asked about my husband and my sister and I filled her in on their current experiences. She told me that Mike and I were safe to start trying to have a baby if we wanted to. Then she informed me that she was taking a job with Kaiser in Oakland. My heart sank as she told me she was moving on, but I was moving on too. She promised to keep in touch with me and we said goodbye.
September 30, 2002: Sick Day
I was feeling ill so I decided to call off and sleep most of the day. In the middle of one of my many naps, Dr. Anthony’s office called and canceled my nipple tattoo appointment again. I felt like I was having a heart attack.
announced that they were pregnant!
September 23, 2003: Physical Therapy and Veronica Shim
This therapy session was considered my last because I had exceeded the goals and I had achieved full flexibility. I was quickly dismissed from the session and commended for being so dedicated. I met Veronica for coffee and we spoke about my last session and what to do next. She said I looked great and wanted to know how my school year was. She asked about my husband and my sister and I filled her in on their current experiences. She told me that Mike and I were safe to start trying to have a baby if we wanted to. Then she informed me that she was taking a job with Kaiser in Oakland. My heart sank as she told me she was moving on, but I was moving on too. She promised to keep in touch with me and we said goodbye.
September 30, 2002: Sick Day
I was feeling ill so I decided to call off and sleep most of the day. In the middle of one of my many naps, Dr. Anthony’s office called and canceled my nipple tattoo appointment again. I felt like I was having a heart attack.
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My insurance would still not approve my tattoo due to the “renewal
agreement” with Dr. Anthony. Being forced to wait, possibly, another
month to get this tattoo was trying my patience. I cried on the telephone and
I cried in my pillow until I fell back asleep.
October 1, 2002: Called Insurance Company
I was fortunate enough to contact an empathetic insurance agent who assisted in some implemental “leg work” to get my nipple tattoo approved. Between her telephone calls and the responses from my primary physician and the plastic surgeon, I was able to receive approval for the last part of the reconstruction. This process took two weeks to get all the kinks ironed out. This bureaucracy was making me cranky and I started taking it out on my classes. The new date was scheduled for October 24th.
October 2, 2002: Dr. Esserman & three month follow-up
Dr. Esserman greeted me with a ready smile and said, “You look great.” She told me to come back in March and if I was not pregnant by then to go see a specialist. She said we were not in a position to wait around, but I had not received total support from Mike about having children, or even trying. I shared with Mike what Dr. Esserman said and all he said was, “Let’s just hope for the best.” Mike was still unsure about whether having kids was really what we were meant to do.
I cried in my pillow until I fell back asleep.
October 1, 2002: Called Insurance Company
I was fortunate enough to contact an empathetic insurance agent who assisted in some implemental “leg work” to get my nipple tattoo approved. Between her telephone calls and the responses from my primary physician and the plastic surgeon, I was able to receive approval for the last part of the reconstruction. This process took two weeks to get all the kinks ironed out. This bureaucracy was making me cranky and I started taking it out on my classes. The new date was scheduled for October 24th.
October 2, 2002: Dr. Esserman & three month follow-up
Dr. Esserman greeted me with a ready smile and said, “You look great.” She told me to come back in March and if I was not pregnant by then to go see a specialist. She said we were not in a position to wait around, but I had not received total support from Mike about having children, or even trying. I shared with Mike what Dr. Esserman said and all he said was, “Let’s just hope for the best.” Mike was still unsure about whether having kids was really what we were meant to do.
October 3, 2002: Letter from a student
Dear Mrs. Coleman,
Right now I am in your class. I just want to say thank you. You cannot believe how much you have helped. You’re one of the greatest people I have ever met. You should give yourself more credit. I’m sorry for adding on some pressure to your life. Because I know that you have a lot already. You are a very strong person and I don’t know if you know it or not. You may or may not believe me but I want to be like you when I grow up. I really look up to you and this sounds funny, but I’ve tried to write this like 4 times. It just never came out right. But right now I don’t care. I know that when I’m out of high school I will always remember you!
October 5, 2002
I release all doubts and fears Allow yourself a week Celebrate on Friday
Maintain your professionalism Maintain your boundaries Keep it together
Right now I am in your class. I just want to say thank you. You cannot believe how much you have helped. You’re one of the greatest people I have ever met. You should give yourself more credit. I’m sorry for adding on some pressure to your life. Because I know that you have a lot already. You are a very strong person and I don’t know if you know it or not. You may or may not believe me but I want to be like you when I grow up. I really look up to you and this sounds funny, but I’ve tried to write this like 4 times. It just never came out right. But right now I don’t care. I know that when I’m out of high school I will always remember you!
October 5, 2002
I release all doubts and fears Allow yourself a week Celebrate on Friday
Maintain your professionalism Maintain your boundaries Keep it together
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Keep the Peace
All Is Well
Let Go and Let God
Frustrated about my health
Frustrated about my space or lack of...help me to find Peace Journal Entry, October 6, 2002
It seems appropriate that this entry is in red ink. This week sucked! There is way too much drama in my life and I need to release all this stress! All is well if I maintain my focus and certain individuals respect my space. Help me, Mom, to be strong and make the right decisions. Help me to have a great birthday week- please!
10/06/02: The Harvested Heart
My heart
My mind
My tears fall, but my pride subsides.
I walk, I step steep and I mind my thoughts Self-talking
All Is Well
Let Go and Let God
Frustrated about my health
Frustrated about my space or lack of...help me to find Peace Journal Entry, October 6, 2002
It seems appropriate that this entry is in red ink. This week sucked! There is way too much drama in my life and I need to release all this stress! All is well if I maintain my focus and certain individuals respect my space. Help me, Mom, to be strong and make the right decisions. Help me to have a great birthday week- please!
10/06/02: The Harvested Heart
My heart
My mind
My tears fall, but my pride subsides.
I walk, I step steep and I mind my thoughts Self-talking
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My way to strength
Help me to maintain my strength
My wall that binds my faith until the end
Bring me a cold, chilly day
So that I can embrace the warmth within
And celebrate the ability to
Stay!
Journal Entry, October 8, 2002
I walked along the sea wall today, just in time to glance at the sun setting, sizzling in the watery clouds. For a moment, everyone stopped around me to watch the sherbet ball fall in the sea- and it hit me- as a metaphor to life- to stop and watch a sunset- to stop and look at the beauty in the world- kind of like the infamous plastic bag that blows in the wind in “American Beauty.” I saw a lady setting up her tripod to take pictures and her furry black dog didn’t seem to mind the ocean air. I saw a couple setting two glasses of red wine on a park bench and breaking bread together. They were both smiling at the amazing colors the sun was casting along the skyline. I saw a woman wading her feet in the water and her dog was jumping over the waves- it was low tide with plenty of fine-grained sand- and so much beauty- so much love in this moment that I almost cried- it was so intense- I could not hide the
Help me to maintain my strength
My wall that binds my faith until the end
Bring me a cold, chilly day
So that I can embrace the warmth within
And celebrate the ability to
Stay!
Journal Entry, October 8, 2002
I walked along the sea wall today, just in time to glance at the sun setting, sizzling in the watery clouds. For a moment, everyone stopped around me to watch the sherbet ball fall in the sea- and it hit me- as a metaphor to life- to stop and watch a sunset- to stop and look at the beauty in the world- kind of like the infamous plastic bag that blows in the wind in “American Beauty.” I saw a lady setting up her tripod to take pictures and her furry black dog didn’t seem to mind the ocean air. I saw a couple setting two glasses of red wine on a park bench and breaking bread together. They were both smiling at the amazing colors the sun was casting along the skyline. I saw a woman wading her feet in the water and her dog was jumping over the waves- it was low tide with plenty of fine-grained sand- and so much beauty- so much love in this moment that I almost cried- it was so intense- I could not hide the
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smile on my face and all the insecurities and stresses of the day seemed to
become frivolous and melt away, just like the sun disappearing in the salty
water.
October 11, 2002: My 37th Birthday
For the first time in years I felt like a queen on my birthday. Co-workers and students gave me special gifts and expressed how special I was to them. My husband came to school during his prep period to make my celebration more complete. After school we drove up to Sonoma where we hung out with Michelle and Pete. We spoiled ourselves rotten with sauna treatments, eucalyptus body wraps and Swedish massages. We were in heaven!
Journal Entry, October 20, 2002
My heart is weeping for people in my life who appear to be in pain- and so distant. I really am unsure how I can be helpful, so I must refrain. I am worried about people who appear to be in these deep holes and unable to get out. They are too deep and feel that they are in control. I know I am not perfect and I have my vices, but I also seem to become less tolerant of others not taking care of themselves- or that I don’t have the time to hear the same cycles over and over again. This DCIS had made me a little more selfish about my needs and I don’t think that people are used to it. I want to stop the drama and I want to release what I cannot control. I thank you for my life.
October 11, 2002: My 37th Birthday
For the first time in years I felt like a queen on my birthday. Co-workers and students gave me special gifts and expressed how special I was to them. My husband came to school during his prep period to make my celebration more complete. After school we drove up to Sonoma where we hung out with Michelle and Pete. We spoiled ourselves rotten with sauna treatments, eucalyptus body wraps and Swedish massages. We were in heaven!
Journal Entry, October 20, 2002
My heart is weeping for people in my life who appear to be in pain- and so distant. I really am unsure how I can be helpful, so I must refrain. I am worried about people who appear to be in these deep holes and unable to get out. They are too deep and feel that they are in control. I know I am not perfect and I have my vices, but I also seem to become less tolerant of others not taking care of themselves- or that I don’t have the time to hear the same cycles over and over again. This DCIS had made me a little more selfish about my needs and I don’t think that people are used to it. I want to stop the drama and I want to release what I cannot control. I thank you for my life.
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Journal Entry, October 22, 2002
My tearful watery eyes bleed the droplets of streams of slated shades of glass. I take on all the internal pain and swallow the spoiled milk despite the putrid reality of my pride. Part of me wants to let go of what makes me, me. My empathy, but my enemy does not see this side- she sings to the wall and bleeds inside. Her dagger stabs my brain and my heart, but I manage to get up- stand up and remain the same- how will I regain my strength and spiritual sense?
October 24, 2002: Mammogram, Annual Check-up and Nipple Tattoo
My mammogram screening was my first appointment of the day. The technician who screened me last year was the same lady, so there was comfort in knowing her. However, I became melancholy about how lonely I felt last year. I was alone again, but the journey was behind me. The fear was behind me. Within ten minutes the test was done and they told me all was fine. I went to Dr. Milligan’s office where she checked all my vitals, weight, and the results of the mastectomy. She was amazed by the smoothness of the reconstructed breast and commented on how healthy I looked. She did not give me the “baby” speech, but she did say that if we wanted to have kids, we should start sooner instead of later. I had a little bit of time before my nipple appointment so I went to go visit Julie and her new son, Daniel. She asked me when we were going to start trying to have kids
My tearful watery eyes bleed the droplets of streams of slated shades of glass. I take on all the internal pain and swallow the spoiled milk despite the putrid reality of my pride. Part of me wants to let go of what makes me, me. My empathy, but my enemy does not see this side- she sings to the wall and bleeds inside. Her dagger stabs my brain and my heart, but I manage to get up- stand up and remain the same- how will I regain my strength and spiritual sense?
October 24, 2002: Mammogram, Annual Check-up and Nipple Tattoo
My mammogram screening was my first appointment of the day. The technician who screened me last year was the same lady, so there was comfort in knowing her. However, I became melancholy about how lonely I felt last year. I was alone again, but the journey was behind me. The fear was behind me. Within ten minutes the test was done and they told me all was fine. I went to Dr. Milligan’s office where she checked all my vitals, weight, and the results of the mastectomy. She was amazed by the smoothness of the reconstructed breast and commented on how healthy I looked. She did not give me the “baby” speech, but she did say that if we wanted to have kids, we should start sooner instead of later. I had a little bit of time before my nipple appointment so I went to go visit Julie and her new son, Daniel. She asked me when we were going to start trying to have kids
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and I felt a sense of anxiety about that decision. At 3:00pm I went to my
plastic surgeon where I finally received my tattoo. I felt a great sense of
relief that this was finally happening and then again, I felt a great sense of
emotion about the whole day and where I was a year ago. I was
overwhelmed with sadness and happiness. I was ready to go home. I
hugged my husband and told him I desperately needed to go on a walk. I
walked along the sea wall talking quietly in my mind to my Mom. I made it
all the way to the top of the hill where there was a small crest. It was warm
and the wind was mild. The sun was shining and getting ready to set. I sat
down on the soft grass and started to cry. I thanked the universe for helping
me get through this experience and all the people who were fundamental in
supporting me and I thanked my Mom for guiding me. This was the first
time that I had a moment to stop, sit, sink into the experience and I was still
so incredibly grateful, but overcome with so much emotion. When I got
home, I called Mama Coleman and told her about my day and thanked her
for all of her prayers- she was so glad it was behind me too. Mike and I had
a special dinner and thought about all the people who have been so
supportive in our lives. We felt so blessed to be alive.
Journal Entry, October 24, 2002
I took a long walk along the seawall and I managed to get to the top of hill just in time to see the sun set. The coolest thing was that the hill was all
supportive in our lives. We felt so blessed to be alive.
Journal Entry, October 24, 2002
I took a long walk along the seawall and I managed to get to the top of hill just in time to see the sun set. The coolest thing was that the hill was all
mine! No one in sight! It was my place for a short time and I started to cry.
I felt Mom’s presence very strongly and I thanked her for helping me to get
through this year. I thanked many for supporting me. The tears seemed to
be mourning and rejoicing at the same time because my day was filled with
so many appointments that were connected with my tough year. I feel as if I
am ready for a new challenge, but I am scared to death to have a child. I
don’t even think Mike wants to have kids, but yet I feel this amazing pressure
to have one. I am not getting any younger and time is no longer a luxury. I
asked Mom to give me guidance and the wisdom to help give me a peace in
my heart because I don’t think Mike wants kids. However, I am so glad that
all this DCIS- the worst of it, is behind me. When I got home, I called Mama
Coleman and told her about my day and I thanked her for being there for
me. I am such a lucky lady!
October 24, 2002 Journal Entry
In moments I will feel complete again. I cannot believe that a year ago all this started from a mammogram. I made it through this year and I cannot believe it! Today, I have been so incredibly emotional, but not in a position to cry or even want to. I am so relieved I lost eight pounds since last year. I only have five more to go. All is well in due time. I am doing everything I need to be doing- exercising, eating well, and being much more positive! 10/24/02: “Just Breathe”
October 24, 2002 Journal Entry
In moments I will feel complete again. I cannot believe that a year ago all this started from a mammogram. I made it through this year and I cannot believe it! Today, I have been so incredibly emotional, but not in a position to cry or even want to. I am so relieved I lost eight pounds since last year. I only have five more to go. All is well in due time. I am doing everything I need to be doing- exercising, eating well, and being much more positive! 10/24/02: “Just Breathe”
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Just Breathe
And Let me be
If I just breathe and remind myself of my inner peace
I can breathe
Every step I push forward in the darkness of my organs
I am reminded of the fragility of life and my purpose
How easily one can be crushed, changed or affected by Being How much of a difference is going on in my life and requires change-
Because nothing is ever constant
Breathing reminds me that I am alive another day and makes me grateful to have a Full life.
I am such a lucky girl.
10/24/02: Broken Winged Dove
Fly, broken winged dove, Fly
Fly to release yourself of the pain you have inherited as a result of your choices.
Freedom can only come to you if you want it bad enough
We tend to find comfort in what is comfortable
And Let me be
If I just breathe and remind myself of my inner peace
I can breathe
Every step I push forward in the darkness of my organs
I am reminded of the fragility of life and my purpose
How easily one can be crushed, changed or affected by Being How much of a difference is going on in my life and requires change-
Because nothing is ever constant
Breathing reminds me that I am alive another day and makes me grateful to have a Full life.
I am such a lucky girl.
10/24/02: Broken Winged Dove
Fly, broken winged dove, Fly
Fly to release yourself of the pain you have inherited as a result of your choices.
Freedom can only come to you if you want it bad enough
We tend to find comfort in what is comfortable
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Not always healthy...
Fly, broken dreams, Fly
You have inherited a new choice and creative possibilities Freedom can only come to you if you allow yourself to be Uncomfortable for a while
Sometimes we must suffer in order to heal again.
10/24/02: No More
No more sadness
No more pricklies
No more bloody tears
No more veins or petty long forms or red tape
It’s all melting away...
The Veil is lifted
The pain has subsided
The Stitches, fading
And the ropiness of my skin, smooth and soft
My eyes close with the ease and comfort of peace
At last
No more sadness in my heart.
Fly, broken dreams, Fly
You have inherited a new choice and creative possibilities Freedom can only come to you if you allow yourself to be Uncomfortable for a while
Sometimes we must suffer in order to heal again.
10/24/02: No More
No more sadness
No more pricklies
No more bloody tears
No more veins or petty long forms or red tape
It’s all melting away...
The Veil is lifted
The pain has subsided
The Stitches, fading
And the ropiness of my skin, smooth and soft
My eyes close with the ease and comfort of peace
At last
No more sadness in my heart.
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10/24/02: Forgive Me
Laurie, forgive me for my honesty
As I know that your heart is just as soft as mine- probably softer.
Forgive me for not knowing when to shut off my own pain and frustration because sometimes I have bad days too. Forgive me for getting angry at what I cannot change because I realize you are working very hard at having more good days than bad.
Forgive me for making your healing process more difficult as I really should be more patient with your efforts.
I want to take away all your fears, all your pains, and all your anxieties and wash them away with a magic wand
So that you are happier than sad,
Ambitious more than afraid,
As confident as you were on your Master’s Day
I remember you being the happiest THEN
Laurie, forgive me for my honesty
As I know that your heart is just as soft as mine- probably softer.
Forgive me for not knowing when to shut off my own pain and frustration because sometimes I have bad days too. Forgive me for getting angry at what I cannot change because I realize you are working very hard at having more good days than bad.
Forgive me for making your healing process more difficult as I really should be more patient with your efforts.
I want to take away all your fears, all your pains, and all your anxieties and wash them away with a magic wand
So that you are happier than sad,
Ambitious more than afraid,
As confident as you were on your Master’s Day
I remember you being the happiest THEN
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You had so much love around you- you were on top of the
world
I hope I don’t lose you
I love you...
Journal Entry, October 25, 2002
From this point on, I am going to try to start my daily journaling in order to purge my soul and become more freeing of my teacher tendencies. Overall, I had a good day- all my students were on task and maintained a level of focus. One troubled student has really turned around these last two days and I hope her focus continues. Being department co-chair has made me a little sad, as it appears as if some staffers are harboring my comments from last month’s meeting. Even though I communicated and asked if everything was “cool” I found out things are not “cool.”
10/28/02: Connected
We are all connected to one another and yet we are so concerned with what others will think if we don’t follow the will of the wind. How I want to allow my hair to have arms and extend into the sweet breeze and scented wind of my brain- I’m not atypical- I’m just tired and fearful that I shall never catch up on my sleep- I would love to clone my body so
I hope I don’t lose you
I love you...
Journal Entry, October 25, 2002
From this point on, I am going to try to start my daily journaling in order to purge my soul and become more freeing of my teacher tendencies. Overall, I had a good day- all my students were on task and maintained a level of focus. One troubled student has really turned around these last two days and I hope her focus continues. Being department co-chair has made me a little sad, as it appears as if some staffers are harboring my comments from last month’s meeting. Even though I communicated and asked if everything was “cool” I found out things are not “cool.”
10/28/02: Connected
We are all connected to one another and yet we are so concerned with what others will think if we don’t follow the will of the wind. How I want to allow my hair to have arms and extend into the sweet breeze and scented wind of my brain- I’m not atypical- I’m just tired and fearful that I shall never catch up on my sleep- I would love to clone my body so
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I could leave one here to take notes and be a good student,
while I snuggle at home in the warmth of my husband’s arms
and the song of my cat’s howl. How I long for the days of
restful sleep to keep me at peace and no longer feel the
challenge of my eyelids maintaining the stillness of my
attention- Only to live again, a brand new day.
10/28/02: Beyond My Brain
Beyond my brain
Beyond the top of this ceiling and, behold, for I cannot stop the thoughts of the loneliness of my life-
Wait!
Not only do adults in my life make this world worth living in But when I see my students smile, overcome a challenge or just want to see another day-
I dig being here
I so want to maintain their love and innocence, but the world is so big
And can do so much damage, if they allow for the cold choices to make them sad.
10/28/02: Beyond My Brain
Beyond my brain
Beyond the top of this ceiling and, behold, for I cannot stop the thoughts of the loneliness of my life-
Wait!
Not only do adults in my life make this world worth living in But when I see my students smile, overcome a challenge or just want to see another day-
I dig being here
I so want to maintain their love and innocence, but the world is so big
And can do so much damage, if they allow for the cold choices to make them sad.
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May they always have warm hands in the death of winter
And the calming cool effects of their decisions
In the heat of their hottest summers.
10/30/02: Celebrate
My eyes sting
My lips chapped
My nails bleed
My heart pushes the passion through
And I make up again to a new day,
With every step there is a stone that can wobble my path or persuade me to go in one direction.
Help me to feel at peace with the decisions I make and the waves I seem to tread about
I wait for the newness of the season and hopeful for a fresher year and a happier harvest for my family and friends
May we all collect our moments and share peace within ourselves and to one another
So we can celebrate!
Just celebrate!
In the heat of their hottest summers.
10/30/02: Celebrate
My eyes sting
My lips chapped
My nails bleed
My heart pushes the passion through
And I make up again to a new day,
With every step there is a stone that can wobble my path or persuade me to go in one direction.
Help me to feel at peace with the decisions I make and the waves I seem to tread about
I wait for the newness of the season and hopeful for a fresher year and a happier harvest for my family and friends
May we all collect our moments and share peace within ourselves and to one another
So we can celebrate!
Just celebrate!
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October 31, 2002
On the anniversary of last year’s spot compression, I felt I great sense of relief, but also a great sense of sadness. I felt the weight of the DCIS “survival mode” had transformed into an intense feeling of impatience. I wondered to myself, “Why am I still feeling so sad about my recovery when it’s over?” And it occurred to me that it’s not over. In fact, it’s just beginning. My healing process was just beginning despite the reconstruction and surgery had healed. I still had the emotional scars that had not yet healed. My support group had come to a close and for the first time I was considering seeing a therapist just to deal with my own emotional impatience. Some close friends had commented that I appeared “too together” and that maybe I had not really dealt with all the aspects of my DCIS. I started getting references from friends and family for a good therapist.
Journal Entry, October 31, 2002
Mike and I stayed at home (because of my lingering cold) and we listened to scary stories. While we waited for our trick-or-treaters we were commenting on how tired we both felt. I think maybe that the end of the first school quarter always brings on a sense of exhaustion. We always manage to flake on Phil and Stephie on this festive holiday because we are just so tired. Mike and I both feel so overwhelmed because there is so much that
On the anniversary of last year’s spot compression, I felt I great sense of relief, but also a great sense of sadness. I felt the weight of the DCIS “survival mode” had transformed into an intense feeling of impatience. I wondered to myself, “Why am I still feeling so sad about my recovery when it’s over?” And it occurred to me that it’s not over. In fact, it’s just beginning. My healing process was just beginning despite the reconstruction and surgery had healed. I still had the emotional scars that had not yet healed. My support group had come to a close and for the first time I was considering seeing a therapist just to deal with my own emotional impatience. Some close friends had commented that I appeared “too together” and that maybe I had not really dealt with all the aspects of my DCIS. I started getting references from friends and family for a good therapist.
Journal Entry, October 31, 2002
Mike and I stayed at home (because of my lingering cold) and we listened to scary stories. While we waited for our trick-or-treaters we were commenting on how tired we both felt. I think maybe that the end of the first school quarter always brings on a sense of exhaustion. We always manage to flake on Phil and Stephie on this festive holiday because we are just so tired. Mike and I both feel so overwhelmed because there is so much that
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needs to be done in the first two months of school! Anyway, despite our low
turn out of halloweeners, it’s nice to spend a quiet evening with my Hase.
We also missed out on Stefano’s party, but we’ll try to make it up next year!
11/4/02: Judgment Day
Waking and Processing
My ears burning
But I’m trying not to own it
Pain alone is tough enough
And when the bar is raised, how can I possibly obtain it if I’m not the one holding the pole?
There’s no way I will ever measure up, especially when it comes to someone else’s expectations of myself
And what I am capable of doing
How shall I ever overcome the judgment day?
11/5/02: Heavy Heart
My heart is very heavy today
My brain hurts today too
Too many meetings to relate to and be a part of- Why do I even care?
My apathy drains my veins
Waking and Processing
My ears burning
But I’m trying not to own it
Pain alone is tough enough
And when the bar is raised, how can I possibly obtain it if I’m not the one holding the pole?
There’s no way I will ever measure up, especially when it comes to someone else’s expectations of myself
And what I am capable of doing
How shall I ever overcome the judgment day?
11/5/02: Heavy Heart
My heart is very heavy today
My brain hurts today too
Too many meetings to relate to and be a part of- Why do I even care?
My apathy drains my veins
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And makes me want to soak my feet
Journal Entry, November 2, 2002: Blue and White Ball
It was so nice to have Mike by my side, holding my hand and hanging out with my friends. Although it did not appear that too many people came to this event, it was fun to see everyone outside of work. Mike cut the rug with Juanita and we went home to watch Saturday Night Live.
Journal Entry, November 3, 2002
As I sit in my comfy chair and watch the Raider/49er game, I sit in a way where I do feel comfortably numb. I worry about school and find myself absorbed with family guilt and concern. I find myself already worried about next year, my schooling and the holidays. But for the most part, I had a good week. Every aspect of my week, despite the audit, 1100.00 thank you very little, I had a good week. There is a part of me that feels pulled into things where I just don’t have the energy for anymore. I almost feel as if since the DCIS experience, I have become less tolerant of particular experiences. Although I may appear as selfish to some, I feel this is a good selfish. This selfish part of me needs to be put in myself, in my life. I am sure that to some people in my family and some of my friends think that I am someone who has changed for the worse, but that’s okay. I cannot change what other people think. I remembered a breast cancer survivor explained to me that she became more selfish about her needs and was less tolerant of
It was so nice to have Mike by my side, holding my hand and hanging out with my friends. Although it did not appear that too many people came to this event, it was fun to see everyone outside of work. Mike cut the rug with Juanita and we went home to watch Saturday Night Live.
Journal Entry, November 3, 2002
As I sit in my comfy chair and watch the Raider/49er game, I sit in a way where I do feel comfortably numb. I worry about school and find myself absorbed with family guilt and concern. I find myself already worried about next year, my schooling and the holidays. But for the most part, I had a good week. Every aspect of my week, despite the audit, 1100.00 thank you very little, I had a good week. There is a part of me that feels pulled into things where I just don’t have the energy for anymore. I almost feel as if since the DCIS experience, I have become less tolerant of particular experiences. Although I may appear as selfish to some, I feel this is a good selfish. This selfish part of me needs to be put in myself, in my life. I am sure that to some people in my family and some of my friends think that I am someone who has changed for the worse, but that’s okay. I cannot change what other people think. I remembered a breast cancer survivor explained to me that she became more selfish about her needs and was less tolerant of
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the drama in her life. Then she said, “It’s a good selfish because I never
allowed myself to think of myself first.”
November 21, 2002: Dr. Anthony’s Final Appointment
This day was a great day because it marked the last of the DCIS appointments. Dr. Anthony checked the reconstruction stitching and the color of the nipple tattoo. He said that everything was healing in an amazing way. He said that he would see me in about six months, unless I am happy with the results of the breast. I bought some special cream for my scars and found myself feeling sad that this was the end of my appointments. I would truly miss this part of the care because they helped so much with my ability to feel like a woman again.
Journal Entry, November 21, 2002
Today I was supposed to start my period so I decided to take an EPT. It was positive! I can’t believe it! I am going to take it again tomorrow because maybe I did it wrong. What will Mike say if I am? I am terrified!
Journal Entry, November 22, 2002
At school I asked Kendra and Sharon what I should do about the test. Both Kendra and Sharon were bouncing up and down and screaming about the pregnancy possibility. They told me to tell Mike as soon as possible. I guess I misused the new birth control we started using instead of the pill. I called my doctor and she estimated that I would be due July 31st. Then she gave
November 21, 2002: Dr. Anthony’s Final Appointment
This day was a great day because it marked the last of the DCIS appointments. Dr. Anthony checked the reconstruction stitching and the color of the nipple tattoo. He said that everything was healing in an amazing way. He said that he would see me in about six months, unless I am happy with the results of the breast. I bought some special cream for my scars and found myself feeling sad that this was the end of my appointments. I would truly miss this part of the care because they helped so much with my ability to feel like a woman again.
Journal Entry, November 21, 2002
Today I was supposed to start my period so I decided to take an EPT. It was positive! I can’t believe it! I am going to take it again tomorrow because maybe I did it wrong. What will Mike say if I am? I am terrified!
Journal Entry, November 22, 2002
At school I asked Kendra and Sharon what I should do about the test. Both Kendra and Sharon were bouncing up and down and screaming about the pregnancy possibility. They told me to tell Mike as soon as possible. I guess I misused the new birth control we started using instead of the pill. I called my doctor and she estimated that I would be due July 31st. Then she gave
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me names of some good baby doctors. I was freaking out! When I got
home, Mike was in the worst mood, so I figured I should wait to give him the
news. While he was yelling many profanities at the computer, I took another
EPT. It was positive again! I saved the two sticks of evidence and just
waited for Mike to calm down. Four hours later, at about 8:30pm, I told
him I thought we were pregnant. He slowly smiled and said, “You are going
to be such a great Mom.” Then he cursed the diaphragm and prayed that he
would be as good a Dad as his own.
November 28, 2002: Thanksgiving
We were blessed to spend another sunny holiday with Phill, Stephie, and Cole in Pacifica. We reflected on how grateful we were that we were all healthy and happy. We were glad that DCIS was behind us. Instead of praying for a benign spot compression, we were praying for a healthy pregnancy.
Journal Entry, November 29, 2002
Thanksgiving week was incredible because I am so grateful to have the DCIS behind me. I am really glad that I am in the clear and that I can keep my mind on the future and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I am about 150 pounds and I feel really good. My body seems to be experiencing many sharp pains more often than I am used to, but all is well. Dr. Anthony said my body is still adjusting to all these recovery changes, but it’s totally
November 28, 2002: Thanksgiving
We were blessed to spend another sunny holiday with Phill, Stephie, and Cole in Pacifica. We reflected on how grateful we were that we were all healthy and happy. We were glad that DCIS was behind us. Instead of praying for a benign spot compression, we were praying for a healthy pregnancy.
Journal Entry, November 29, 2002
Thanksgiving week was incredible because I am so grateful to have the DCIS behind me. I am really glad that I am in the clear and that I can keep my mind on the future and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I am about 150 pounds and I feel really good. My body seems to be experiencing many sharp pains more often than I am used to, but all is well. Dr. Anthony said my body is still adjusting to all these recovery changes, but it’s totally
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normal. Laurie was unable to make it to our Thanksgiving dinner and also
had a panic attack about her medicine. Carlos came by and gave the pills to
her and spent a little bit of time with her. Both Billy and I are really worried
about her and I guess we always will. P.S. Michelle and Pete are pregnant,
so is Aimee and Gary.
Journal Entry, December 7, 2002
This week I was sicker than a dog! But I guess this was my body’s way of saying, “I need rest.” It all started with feelings of congestion and bad headaches- then I got progressively worse! I had to go to school on Monday because I had several meetings, but because I could not take any medicine (boy, do I love Thera-Flu) so I had to just let my body drain. Boy did I suffer! However, I bought a humidifier and my doctor did prescribe Claritin- she said it would not cause harm to the baby. I finally got my energy back on Thursday, but boy did the cats love my company.
Journal Entry, December 15, 2002
Yesterday I spent the whole day taking the CLAD and I really hope that I passed it so that I do not have to take it again! I felt better about my pacing and how I processed the information. I think I did okay with the essays too. But I felt I great sense of prayers and peace around me, like people were blessing me the whole day to do well. I hope I did okay. It is very interesting to me that I was in a much better space to process the
Journal Entry, December 7, 2002
This week I was sicker than a dog! But I guess this was my body’s way of saying, “I need rest.” It all started with feelings of congestion and bad headaches- then I got progressively worse! I had to go to school on Monday because I had several meetings, but because I could not take any medicine (boy, do I love Thera-Flu) so I had to just let my body drain. Boy did I suffer! However, I bought a humidifier and my doctor did prescribe Claritin- she said it would not cause harm to the baby. I finally got my energy back on Thursday, but boy did the cats love my company.
Journal Entry, December 15, 2002
Yesterday I spent the whole day taking the CLAD and I really hope that I passed it so that I do not have to take it again! I felt better about my pacing and how I processed the information. I think I did okay with the essays too. But I felt I great sense of prayers and peace around me, like people were blessing me the whole day to do well. I hope I did okay. It is very interesting to me that I was in a much better space to process the
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information just because I had time. The free time just reduced my anxiety
and I was able to focus on the content of the questions. A great reminder
about what my kids go through every day.
Journal Entry, December 22, 2002
A fond memory I have regarding my Mom was taking me to Winchell’s Doughnut shop. I would always order the monster brownie and some whole milk. The brownie was always too big for me to finish and it would always make me sick to my stomach because it was so rich and sweet. Yet I always went back to ordering the same item hoping that someday I could actually finish the huge block of chocolate. I never did.
Journal Entry, December 31, 2002
Today Mike and I went to our first baby appointment. The doctor determined that we were about 9 1/2 weeks pregnant. We heard the heartbeat and got extremely excited! We had lunch and made our way up to Sonoma to celebrate the good news with Michelle and Pete. We called our family and friends all the way up to wine country. As the reality hit us about the possibility of being parents, suddenly we felt compelled to look into housing, finding new jobs and how to fund daycare. We suddenly felt the overwhelming burden of intense stress. There is so much stuff to sift through and so many decisions to make. I hope that everything works out for the best and that we have enough money to do this. It would be nice if our
Journal Entry, December 22, 2002
A fond memory I have regarding my Mom was taking me to Winchell’s Doughnut shop. I would always order the monster brownie and some whole milk. The brownie was always too big for me to finish and it would always make me sick to my stomach because it was so rich and sweet. Yet I always went back to ordering the same item hoping that someday I could actually finish the huge block of chocolate. I never did.
Journal Entry, December 31, 2002
Today Mike and I went to our first baby appointment. The doctor determined that we were about 9 1/2 weeks pregnant. We heard the heartbeat and got extremely excited! We had lunch and made our way up to Sonoma to celebrate the good news with Michelle and Pete. We called our family and friends all the way up to wine country. As the reality hit us about the possibility of being parents, suddenly we felt compelled to look into housing, finding new jobs and how to fund daycare. We suddenly felt the overwhelming burden of intense stress. There is so much stuff to sift through and so many decisions to make. I hope that everything works out for the best and that we have enough money to do this. It would be nice if our
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landlord would be willing to reduce our rent! It will all work out, I’m sure
of it.
My December Dream
Mike and I are on an exotic vacation spot and we are close to the waves on sharp, curved rocks.
The waves are calm and we are enjoying the sunshine and the clear day.
All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave comes before us and I am beginning to feel nervous, but then I look at Mike and he is as cool as a cucumber.
He says to me, “Hold your breath.”
We hold hands and look straight on into the incredible wave thinking,
“It’s probably nothing.”
I think to myself, “We can do this.”
My December Dream
Mike and I are on an exotic vacation spot and we are close to the waves on sharp, curved rocks.
The waves are calm and we are enjoying the sunshine and the clear day.
All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave comes before us and I am beginning to feel nervous, but then I look at Mike and he is as cool as a cucumber.
He says to me, “Hold your breath.”
We hold hands and look straight on into the incredible wave thinking,
“It’s probably nothing.”
I think to myself, “We can do this.”
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A special thanks to my doctors, nurses, family, friends, colleagues, students
and pets for all their love and support!
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